About 4 years ago in 2007, there were many farewells for me. I resigned from the company which I worked for almost 30 years, bidding goodbye to many close colleagues. In the same year, my daughter left home for college education in the states. My maid for more than 12 years went home to Sri Lanka. My neighbour who shared the same backyard fence sold her house; whilst the neighbour on my left who is a diplomat was posted to Laos and moved there with his entire family. I can still remember waving to his adorable 5 year old son when the car left for the airport.
This diplomat neighbour has returned after a 4 year posting and is moving in next week after renovating his house. Tonight I am going to the States to attend my daughter's convocation. If she decides to accept a job offer in Singapore, she too would be back. In a flash, I think of this 4 year period like a chapter in a book. During this period I had to struggle to re-establish a new identity within myself. There was lots of time for reflection and letting the real needs surface. Though I can't say that I really know myself now, I think I am at least a bit closer to my inner self than before.
Also in a homecoming of sorts, I have in my book shelf amongst many old and brownish looking books one titled "Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoyevsky. When I was reading a book introducing existentialism a few months back, there was mention that Dostoyevsky, the Russian writer is one of the early existentialists. Hence my interest was stirred and I picked up the book by Dostoyevsky to read "again" with very little recollection of having read it before. The first page on the left upper corner was my signature and the date "7-6-76". I bought the book some 35 years ago! The book has 382 pages. To help me appreciate the book better I also surfed the net for some critical analysis and was surprised when someone mentioned that the book has 900 pages. Perhaps the guy had one with large fonts because mine has really very small font. However when I was about 50 pages to the end I became puzzled that the story was no where ending. I then scrutinized the faded cover only to discover there was a faint and almost invisible "1" after the title, denoting it to be volume 1. I told my son about it and he remarked that I set a guiness record for taking 35 years to read a book only to realise it is half way through. Somehow I feel it is also symbolic of me realising that I still do not know how my own story should be after 35years.
I went to the library to borrow the complete volumes and have just finished reading it. I realised that 35 years ago I abandoned the book half way which explained why I did not proceed to buy the second volume. In retrospect it was a good thing because I would never have appreciated the book as a young person of early twenties. Now with an additional 35 years of meeting, observing and engaging with various types of people, as well as my own self reflection, I can relate more to this epic novel about 4 brother who are each trapped in their own way, one a prisoner of passion and sensuality, one of intellect, one of spirituality and one of dire external circumstances. In a way my finishing this book after 35 years adds on to my recent feeling of homecoming.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Reformation
On the nite when the election results were being broadcasted, my daughter was having an election party with some friends in NY. I was trying to update her through email the latest news available at the various websites and CNA, when she called to say my news was outdated. She confirmed WP's victory in Aljunied, apparently from twitter sources, at just after 11 pm. I could hear a lot of excitment in the background. My husband and I then left for the Hougang Stadium to join in the jubilation. That probably was the first time in decades that I literally leapt up into the air and punched my fist.
My nephew-in-law made a comment on his facebook before election day that he was puzzled why so many people are angry with PAP. He then followed with a reminder of the great work that PAP has done. His comments drew an avalanche of comments from my other nephews and nieces and mine as well about the PAP's serious shortcomings. Sentiments and emotions aside, I am also quite puzzled at the spectrum of people against the ruling party, at least amongst those I know off. They range from my taiji classmates (a SME business man and woman, taiji coach, and even an ang moh retired teacher married to a Singapore man and who has taught in our schools before) to some colleagues in my school, to rich friends who live on passive income, to unionist secretly, to my husband's relatives who had been bullied and robbed off their farmland and livelihood as farmers and given pittance as compensation decades ago, to many young tertiary educated people and not to mention many overseas students. Many people have reminded me prior to polling day of the privilege I have to vote in Aljunied and trust that I would vote wisely.
I am glad I did my part. My only regret is that BG Yeo described as a man with IQ, EQ and CQ (cultural quotient) lost his minister post. I commented in the yahoo site that I respected him a lot but I had no choice. It was necessary to give strong signals to PAP to reform its modus operandi and attitude. It is quite frightening to see PAP's inability to draw good young people with passion into its party. I am really happy that the 6% drop in their winning margin will see some reformation in the Party. Hopefully a reformed and just PAP will start to attract the young again, without which one can hear the death knell of decadence in the distance. So, I am happy with the election results for it spells hope and renewal.
My nephew-in-law made a comment on his facebook before election day that he was puzzled why so many people are angry with PAP. He then followed with a reminder of the great work that PAP has done. His comments drew an avalanche of comments from my other nephews and nieces and mine as well about the PAP's serious shortcomings. Sentiments and emotions aside, I am also quite puzzled at the spectrum of people against the ruling party, at least amongst those I know off. They range from my taiji classmates (a SME business man and woman, taiji coach, and even an ang moh retired teacher married to a Singapore man and who has taught in our schools before) to some colleagues in my school, to rich friends who live on passive income, to unionist secretly, to my husband's relatives who had been bullied and robbed off their farmland and livelihood as farmers and given pittance as compensation decades ago, to many young tertiary educated people and not to mention many overseas students. Many people have reminded me prior to polling day of the privilege I have to vote in Aljunied and trust that I would vote wisely.
I am glad I did my part. My only regret is that BG Yeo described as a man with IQ, EQ and CQ (cultural quotient) lost his minister post. I commented in the yahoo site that I respected him a lot but I had no choice. It was necessary to give strong signals to PAP to reform its modus operandi and attitude. It is quite frightening to see PAP's inability to draw good young people with passion into its party. I am really happy that the 6% drop in their winning margin will see some reformation in the Party. Hopefully a reformed and just PAP will start to attract the young again, without which one can hear the death knell of decadence in the distance. So, I am happy with the election results for it spells hope and renewal.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Cooling Off
Hmmm...I think I better practise Chinese calligraphy tonite prior to tuning in for the GE 2011 results to "cool off". Should WP fail to win Aljunied I would be so disheartened and vexed that I would probably punch the person nearest to me who is most likely to be my husband.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Release of my Repressed Anger
Haha I was asked why I have not blogged for days. As you could have imagined the past week I have been occupied with "national issues". I have acquired a new addiction of posting comments about GE 2011 on some websites including Yahoo Singapore.
It all started last Thursday. I was having a quick dinner at home with my brother and sister-in-law who have travelled all the way from Bukit Panjang to accompany me to the WP rally, when the door bell rang twice with no one in sight when I went to check. At the 3rd ring, a group of PAP people were outside the gate announcing the arrival of the PAP MP (the first 2 rings I supposed were pressed by the lackeys in preparation). The conversation went as follow:
MP: Oh you are having dinner?
Me: Ah yes, we are having a quick dinner and rushing off to attend the rally at Hougang Central
MP: Are you a WP supporter?
Me: Yes
MP: Are you going to reconsider?
Me: That's why we are going to attend the rally to see what they've got to say
One PAP lackey: Aren't you afraid your estate will be downgraded?
Me: Sometimes we got to sacrifice a bit what
I related the conversation to my children over skype and they could not believe that the PAP lackey was so dumb as to threaten voters. I told them the ministers are doing it too. Sure enough 2 days later, MM used the word "repent" for Aljunied voters who vote for WP (I am in Aljunied). Fueled by the sentiments at the rally I spent quite a bit of time at home visitng websites and venting my angry comments as well.
I find that I am especially emotional about the unfair play. So I have a comment which went like "I can not understand why anyone will support a party that not only cultivates personal self interest,but practices foul play in broad daylight (rezoning constituencies and using tax money to their political advantage)". I also have some comments about the party's haugtiness, arrogance, insensitivity etc. What surprises me is that whilst I write I am really very vexed and I feel hot and flustered.
Reflecting upon my emotions I suspect I may be projecting my repressed anger (over unfair play) on the PAP. As a child I received my primary education in a very prestigious school attended by many rich girls. Many teachers were obnoxious. They not only favoured those rich girls but also bullied the children from poor families who of course also never fared that well academically. A few of such hurtful incidents are still fresh in my head after almost half a century! Looks like the PAP is now offering me a chance to vent my long repressed anger and a chance for closure.
It all started last Thursday. I was having a quick dinner at home with my brother and sister-in-law who have travelled all the way from Bukit Panjang to accompany me to the WP rally, when the door bell rang twice with no one in sight when I went to check. At the 3rd ring, a group of PAP people were outside the gate announcing the arrival of the PAP MP (the first 2 rings I supposed were pressed by the lackeys in preparation). The conversation went as follow:
MP: Oh you are having dinner?
Me: Ah yes, we are having a quick dinner and rushing off to attend the rally at Hougang Central
MP: Are you a WP supporter?
Me: Yes
MP: Are you going to reconsider?
Me: That's why we are going to attend the rally to see what they've got to say
One PAP lackey: Aren't you afraid your estate will be downgraded?
Me: Sometimes we got to sacrifice a bit what
I related the conversation to my children over skype and they could not believe that the PAP lackey was so dumb as to threaten voters. I told them the ministers are doing it too. Sure enough 2 days later, MM used the word "repent" for Aljunied voters who vote for WP (I am in Aljunied). Fueled by the sentiments at the rally I spent quite a bit of time at home visitng websites and venting my angry comments as well.
I find that I am especially emotional about the unfair play. So I have a comment which went like "I can not understand why anyone will support a party that not only cultivates personal self interest,but practices foul play in broad daylight (rezoning constituencies and using tax money to their political advantage)". I also have some comments about the party's haugtiness, arrogance, insensitivity etc. What surprises me is that whilst I write I am really very vexed and I feel hot and flustered.
Reflecting upon my emotions I suspect I may be projecting my repressed anger (over unfair play) on the PAP. As a child I received my primary education in a very prestigious school attended by many rich girls. Many teachers were obnoxious. They not only favoured those rich girls but also bullied the children from poor families who of course also never fared that well academically. A few of such hurtful incidents are still fresh in my head after almost half a century! Looks like the PAP is now offering me a chance to vent my long repressed anger and a chance for closure.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Awaiting the phone call
The whole of Thursday (my off day), I was waiting for a call from school. I was mentally prepared for a complaint against me by the father of one of my student clients. This primary 5 boy was referred to counselling by his form teacher last year for making small cuts on his hand. His mother claimed that he was stressed out from exams. Mum also shared with me that he often threatens to hurt himself if he does not get what he wants. We discussed and wondered about the anger within him and mum also shared her fears that the boy may be unduly worried that his parents are heading for divorce. She revealed that there is often much argument between her and her husband. During a more recent conversation she spoke about her trip to India praying for the child to be less rude to her.
Yes the boy is a perfectionist trying to excel in everything, hence the stress, but from my engagement with him I also understand more about his family background. The family is quite well off and travels often visiting rich relatives in Australia and India. The boy admires his father, apparently father reads widely and has a wall to wall shelf of books, father does very well in school, father this and father that. AND, father also mentions often that his son (the boy) is the head of the household when he is not around, a role which he takes seriously. The trigger to the boy's angry outbursts is usually when the womenfolk , ie. his elder sister and mother ignore him or are slow to agree with him or abide by his requests.
During the recent one month break mum brought him and sister to India for a grand tour of temples. The boy informed me that they visited 30 temples (could well have been an exaggeration though). I told the boy I was really impressed by his mum's devotion and commitment and wondered what mum prayed for mainly. The boy replied promptly that she prayed for the family's happiness. We then discussed what for mum was the family's happiness. He wasn't sure but when asked what actions of his would make mum happy, all he could think of was him doing well in exams and performing on stage. He couldn't think of anything else. Ok, I then asked him what actions of his will make his mum unhappy, to which he replied when he is angry and shouts at her. I then explored further (which can be rather tricky because children often do not like such probing and I have to stop or refrain depending on their body language) as to how he feels when seeing mum being unhappy. He thought very hard and with a shrug said "nothing". I persisted and showed him a chart with lots of feeling words. From a long list he picked "guilty". I then went on to affirm his good values etc etc.
Actually from what the boy shared with me over several sessions, I form the impression that the father is very male chauvinistic and although mum mentioned about the frequent argument between the couple, I suspect it is the husband who has angry outbursts most of the time. Although in my conversation with mum I have suggested that she advised her husband to refrain from mentioning about his son assuming the role of head of household, I doubt she even dared to bring that up to her husband.
The scope of a school counsellor does not include family therapy, although one can stretch the limit to include some advice when talking to parents. As mentioned in the consent form my contact with the family is the mother.
So on Wednesday I got the boy to work on some Activity Worksheets entitled good and bad habits, starting with his personal habits and moving on to family habits. So he has to draw good habits that he practises before moving on to the not so good ones. Then I got him to work on a worksheet with the following wordings on the left side of the page "Bad Habits can become very difficult problems! My family has a problem that is hard to talk about (draw the problem). The right side of the page is fully filled with a huge dream bubble. Below the bubble, these are the words "This is what I wish could happen (draw and fold).
Our friend drew 2 pictures, one depicting a table filled with plates of food (he said his family overeats) and another a picture of 4 stick figures with speech bubbles containing the word "shouting". He then shared that father shouts the most. In his dream bubble he drew 4 smiling stick figures and a drum. His wish was for the family to stop shouting and the drum describes his wish for everyone to sit down quietly and listen to him beating his traditional drum. Oh, he ever demonstrated to me once and the rythmn was so enchanting.
I asked whether he would like to show the worksheet to his parents. He said he would and I encouraged him. When he left the room I reviewed the wording of the worksheet "my family has a problem....". Will the parents take offence? Will the parents accuse me of trying to influence the child into thinking the parents have problems? Whatever the consequence I still feel that the parents must wake up to the environment their children are brought up in.
No one called. Maybe not yet or maybe the mother stopped him from showing his father the activity worksheet.
Yes the boy is a perfectionist trying to excel in everything, hence the stress, but from my engagement with him I also understand more about his family background. The family is quite well off and travels often visiting rich relatives in Australia and India. The boy admires his father, apparently father reads widely and has a wall to wall shelf of books, father does very well in school, father this and father that. AND, father also mentions often that his son (the boy) is the head of the household when he is not around, a role which he takes seriously. The trigger to the boy's angry outbursts is usually when the womenfolk , ie. his elder sister and mother ignore him or are slow to agree with him or abide by his requests.
During the recent one month break mum brought him and sister to India for a grand tour of temples. The boy informed me that they visited 30 temples (could well have been an exaggeration though). I told the boy I was really impressed by his mum's devotion and commitment and wondered what mum prayed for mainly. The boy replied promptly that she prayed for the family's happiness. We then discussed what for mum was the family's happiness. He wasn't sure but when asked what actions of his would make mum happy, all he could think of was him doing well in exams and performing on stage. He couldn't think of anything else. Ok, I then asked him what actions of his will make his mum unhappy, to which he replied when he is angry and shouts at her. I then explored further (which can be rather tricky because children often do not like such probing and I have to stop or refrain depending on their body language) as to how he feels when seeing mum being unhappy. He thought very hard and with a shrug said "nothing". I persisted and showed him a chart with lots of feeling words. From a long list he picked "guilty". I then went on to affirm his good values etc etc.
Actually from what the boy shared with me over several sessions, I form the impression that the father is very male chauvinistic and although mum mentioned about the frequent argument between the couple, I suspect it is the husband who has angry outbursts most of the time. Although in my conversation with mum I have suggested that she advised her husband to refrain from mentioning about his son assuming the role of head of household, I doubt she even dared to bring that up to her husband.
The scope of a school counsellor does not include family therapy, although one can stretch the limit to include some advice when talking to parents. As mentioned in the consent form my contact with the family is the mother.
So on Wednesday I got the boy to work on some Activity Worksheets entitled good and bad habits, starting with his personal habits and moving on to family habits. So he has to draw good habits that he practises before moving on to the not so good ones. Then I got him to work on a worksheet with the following wordings on the left side of the page "Bad Habits can become very difficult problems! My family has a problem that is hard to talk about (draw the problem). The right side of the page is fully filled with a huge dream bubble. Below the bubble, these are the words "This is what I wish could happen (draw and fold).
Our friend drew 2 pictures, one depicting a table filled with plates of food (he said his family overeats) and another a picture of 4 stick figures with speech bubbles containing the word "shouting". He then shared that father shouts the most. In his dream bubble he drew 4 smiling stick figures and a drum. His wish was for the family to stop shouting and the drum describes his wish for everyone to sit down quietly and listen to him beating his traditional drum. Oh, he ever demonstrated to me once and the rythmn was so enchanting.
I asked whether he would like to show the worksheet to his parents. He said he would and I encouraged him. When he left the room I reviewed the wording of the worksheet "my family has a problem....". Will the parents take offence? Will the parents accuse me of trying to influence the child into thinking the parents have problems? Whatever the consequence I still feel that the parents must wake up to the environment their children are brought up in.
No one called. Maybe not yet or maybe the mother stopped him from showing his father the activity worksheet.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Feeling the loss of a Mentor
In the Chinese historical drama "Voyage of Admiral Zheng He", the emperor Yongle had a confidant who was a Buddhist monk whom he always bounced off ideas and got advice from whenever he was troubled or in a dilemma. The monk was able to offer unclouded and objective views from a detached onlooker perspective, albeit a wise one. He often empathised with the emperor's pain of being misunderstood whist introducing visionary policies for the good of the country. At one stage the emperor questioned in jest why he had to bear all the miseries whilst the monk kept his peace and calm.
The presence of an adviser to the emperor in historical dramas always offers some kind of relief in an otherwise heavy and serious story.
Our PM was recently asked whether after LKY, the post of MM (Minister Mentor) will be filled by another person. He replied that the post was personal to LKY as he was a "precious resource". Although in the net there are lots of critiscms and jokes about the PM's high esteem for his "eminent father", I personally feel it is of great benefit for the ruling party to bounce ideas off a visionary mentor. The only drawback of course is,unlike the monk who is detached, the MM may be conflicted in some ways or affected by emotions from his past deeds and experiences.
In many ways I feel it is the same with every individual. I think it is a blessing to have someone whom you can share your most intimate thoughts and troubles; needless to say you will be double blessed if that someone is wise. Visiting my mother's niche during Qing Ming reminds me of the loss of my confidant. Even though I often discounted or ignored her advice (because being of the previous generation she was often too pragmatic for my liking), she was some one whom I was not afraid to tell my troubles and problems. Of course there were also times when I walked off feeling worse or more angry than before for feeling misunderstood or let down by her practical and materialistic approach towards life. However looking back, she was on the whole more of a comfort than pain. It is unrealistic to have a mentor who is wise, with clarity in thoughts arising from calm detachment; and yet loves you much the same.
The presence of an adviser to the emperor in historical dramas always offers some kind of relief in an otherwise heavy and serious story.
Our PM was recently asked whether after LKY, the post of MM (Minister Mentor) will be filled by another person. He replied that the post was personal to LKY as he was a "precious resource". Although in the net there are lots of critiscms and jokes about the PM's high esteem for his "eminent father", I personally feel it is of great benefit for the ruling party to bounce ideas off a visionary mentor. The only drawback of course is,unlike the monk who is detached, the MM may be conflicted in some ways or affected by emotions from his past deeds and experiences.
In many ways I feel it is the same with every individual. I think it is a blessing to have someone whom you can share your most intimate thoughts and troubles; needless to say you will be double blessed if that someone is wise. Visiting my mother's niche during Qing Ming reminds me of the loss of my confidant. Even though I often discounted or ignored her advice (because being of the previous generation she was often too pragmatic for my liking), she was some one whom I was not afraid to tell my troubles and problems. Of course there were also times when I walked off feeling worse or more angry than before for feeling misunderstood or let down by her practical and materialistic approach towards life. However looking back, she was on the whole more of a comfort than pain. It is unrealistic to have a mentor who is wise, with clarity in thoughts arising from calm detachment; and yet loves you much the same.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Woman's Story
I love watching historical dramas from China. I appreciate their attention to details to build up the atmosphere in every scene and the very professional acting skills. The currently running serial "Voyage of Admiral Zheng He" is one example. In one recent episode I was almost brought to tears in a scene which showed the empress visiting a widowed palace maid who had earlier became the concubine of the emporor's rival in a political move. In a very touching scene, the empress whilst fighting tears shared with the maid her own heart rending worries about her two sons feuding against each other for the position of crown prince. She reminisced the happy days when they were young and described how all her life she had worked tirelessly for the family to be happy. Whilst both women wiped away their tears she stoically said that perhaps that was every woman's "ben fen" (responsibility and duty).
This is a common story that is ingrained in many women, especially Asian women. Is it really "nu ren de ben fen" to work tirelessly to ensure happiness amongst all her family members? Isn't that a tall order? There is also a common quote that "You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child". As long as women hold this belief and abide by the story that their happiness can only be achieved through the happiness of their children, it will be a long tough perilous road.
I went on to research a bit into history on what historically took place. Apparently the eldest son, Hongxi became the next emperor but did no harm to his brother. However it was Hongxi's son, upon succession tortured his uncle to death. Of course the empress had passed on by then, as much as she tirelessly wanted to do "nu ren de ben fen" in her own lifetime.
This is a common story that is ingrained in many women, especially Asian women. Is it really "nu ren de ben fen" to work tirelessly to ensure happiness amongst all her family members? Isn't that a tall order? There is also a common quote that "You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child". As long as women hold this belief and abide by the story that their happiness can only be achieved through the happiness of their children, it will be a long tough perilous road.
I went on to research a bit into history on what historically took place. Apparently the eldest son, Hongxi became the next emperor but did no harm to his brother. However it was Hongxi's son, upon succession tortured his uncle to death. Of course the empress had passed on by then, as much as she tirelessly wanted to do "nu ren de ben fen" in her own lifetime.
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