Yet another beautiful book

This afternoon I have a story telling session at NLB. Of late to save time I tend to select picture books with less words but with a good story line. A less wordy book needs less preparation as one can impromptu as one reads from the book. However for today's session I borrowed quite a wordy book but with lovely drawings enitled "Laura's Secret". So I kind of need to rehearse a bit ie. turning it more into a story telling rather than a half read and half story tell session. To save time I practice whilst doing housework.

Err...another child's storyline (so read only if you can spare the time) but can be quite inspirational. Basically Laura and brother spent quite a bit of effort and time making a kite. However at the park, brother was mocked and bullied by a group of school friends as their kite didnt take off. He was tripped by one of the bullies, fell and broke his kite. Both went home feeling sad and downhearted. Laura however has a secret. She talks to the star every night from her bedroom window. She shares with the star everything, her joy, her sadness and her hopes and she always feel good after that.

That night Laura asked the star for help. Nothing happened and she fell asleep. In the middle of the night, her room was aglowed with starlight. The glow not only filled her room but made her wide awake. Suddenly she felt the energy rush and she got up to repair the kite, mending it with much stronger material and drawing teeth to make the kite look braver and bold. On top of that she saw the star sprinking stardust onto the kite such that it shone in the dark as if like magic.

Next day she told her brother that believing in something, wishing and working for it hard enough could make it happen. (haha very cliche i know). Well how the story went was the kite flew so high that the string became too taut to hold. "Then maybe you should let it go...Maybe a kite as special as this one needs to be free". So they let go of the kite and Laura asked the kite to reach for the star.

You see a children book just like adult books needs more than one reading to feel the magic or essence. I think I want to purchase this book. It will be good for me to use with my child clients, if not to just cheer them up, may also sprinkle some "hope" in them. I often believe HOPE is so essential to catharsis and story telling is often a media used for child counselling to get them to choose their desired ending. Even I myself am lifted by reading this book (but of course I am always easily delighted by children stuff!). I think parents of toddlers must really read to their kids to inspire not only their imagination and creativity but to ground them in values, hope and the love of life. I wish I have done more for my kids. But even you adults, if you feel moody or neurotic or what have you, take a trip to the children's section of the library. I guarantee you, some of the books will give you a lift!

Teach them to Love

Chatted with an old friend who is now into his 70s. He had returned from a trip to his father's village in China. He lamented how closely knit his cousin's family was compared to his own in Singapore. Apparently he could feel the warmth and noticed how well his China cousin could communicate with his (adult) children. This affected him quite a bit when he returned to Singapore where differences lie abundant in his own family, especially in the way his grandchildren are being brought up. Throughout the years my friend has always been very proud of his children's achievement and they have not let him down. One of his daughters is accomplished in her own field and also married an equally accomplished surgeon. Problems arise when they threw wind to his complaints about the grandchildren's behaviour. Relationship starts to strain and communication is hampered.

Thinking about Life's 5 needs which I blogged about on 18 June I try to see what ails my friend. The 5 needs are survival (food, shelter etc), love, power, freedom (choice and independence) and fun. Perhaps when his opinion is disregarded he feels a loss in power ie. a loss of recognition and importance in the family. Also my friend grew up in a traditional extended family where showing respect means love. Thus his children's lack of attention or indifference may be construed as lack of love.

I have in my last blog talked about Frankl's subject of "having the past to live for" and "the meanings that have been fulfilled". I guess as we grow older we have to recognise we do not need to be so important all the time. We should recognise we have fulfilled them already.

But on the disparity between the circumstances around him and his cousin, I also empathise with his feelings. It is not unimaginable that the more successful the children are the less time they will have for their parents. So I remarked that his children holding such demanding jobs will tend to be rather stressed and highly strung. He cant compare that to life in a small town in China. Having said that however, I also feel the value of filial piety is not consciously taught or ingrained in our younger people in Singapore. I don't think this was taught in school (civics and moral education period often hijacked for exams preparation) and very few parents really bother to talk about it at home (myself included).

That reminds me of one situation I encountered. I was in a mrt train where I watched with amusement a young mother trying to hot house her toddler, a sweet little girl. She was pointing out the signs and advertisements displayed and explaining every new word to the child. The little girl is pretty bright and I am quite sure will be a RGS girl, hahaha. The mother gave me a smile and I realised I must have been smiling at the little girl. Co-incidentally we got off at the same station. Suddenly I have the impulse to follow them and tell the young mother "Your child is very bright. You need not worry. But don't forget to teach her to LOVE".

I debated within myself whether to follow my impulse. Something urged me to do it. In the end I didn't. To this day I wonder how the mother will react if I did.

Having a WHY to Live (contd)

Continuation from previous blog, passages from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E Frankl worthy of quote:

Another good analogy about meaning(s) in life which Frankl used is that of a movie with thousands of pictures, each has a sense and meaning. However the meaning of the whole film can only be understood at the end. He then posed a question whether or not the final meaning is then also dependent on the meaning of each situation in life. Thus the meaning of each suffering moment may not be understood but will soon unfold at the end.

Moving on to the subject of having the past to live for, he saw no reasons why people pity the old for their infirmities. "Instead, young people should envy them. It is true that the old have no opportunities, no possibilities in the future. But they have more than that. Instead of possibilities in the future, they have realities in the past- the potentialities they have actualized, the meanings they have fulfilled, the values they have realized- and nothing and nobody can ever remove these assets from the past."

"But today's society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently it adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young. It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness."

Having a WHY to Live

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl- This is truly a book worth reading. Frankl is a psychiatrist who survived but lost his wife and children in the holocaust. First part of the book he described the mental state and processes of the prisoners in the Nazi Concentration Camps, what kept them going and how characters changed under such severe physical and mental stress, suffering, and constant danger.

In second part of the book, he described his very own approach towards modern existential analysis which he called logotherapy. Basically it is a "meaning" centred psychotherapy helping the patient understands the meaning in his existence which will keep him going. I won't attempt to describe the book in a couple of paragraphs but would really like to pull out some excerpt which I find worthy.

Fankl frequently mentioned a quote from Nietzsche :" He who has a WHY to live for can bear almost any HOW " He observed that amongst the prisoners, those who found a reason to stay alive often survived, be it for a loved one who might be waiting, an unfinished piece of work or just the challenge of suffering proudly.

Frankl also expounded that in modern man, existential vacuum ( the feeling of void and emptiness within) often results in neurosis. Existential vacuum manifests itself in Boredom. As an example, he cited "Sunday neurosis", a kind of depression which afflicts people who feels the void when freed from the rush and rountine of the work day. In addition to mask this emptiness, the will to Meaning is often substituted with the will to Power or the will to Money, ie, taken over by the will to Pleasure.

Frankl described how he helped his fellow prisoners with this advice " We had to teach the despairing men that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. "

Not only is the meaning of life unique to each individual it changes all the time. He used a very good analogy that asking the question "What is the meaning of life?" is like asking a Chess grandmaster how to win the game. There is no universal answer. However Frankl believed we can usually discover our own meaning through 3 different ways:
1) creating a work or doing a deed
2) experiencing something or encountering someone ( like experiencing love, goodness, truth or beauty as in nature or art )
3) attitude we take towards unavoidable sufferings, for example that suffering has a meaning

" For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment. "

" What is to give light must endure burning. "

Viktor E. Frankl

Knowing & Rebalancing your Needs

Taking the free time to refresh my memory and to read up a bit more on counselling skills (for children) before I start work.

I thought it may be good to share William Glasser's theory of basic needs(American Psychiatrist who expounded the Choice Theory). They are;

1. Survival (food, shelter, health, sex)
2. Love & Belonging (love, friendship, company)
3. Power (recognition, success, achievement, importance)
4. Freedom (choices, independence)
5. Fun (laughter, enjoyment, learning, growth)

Whilst all of us are born to have these 5 needs, the degree of each need varies with different individuals. Thus the weightage that we place on each of these needs determine the choices we make in life. So if you value survival intensely you may not be comfortable to take too much risk. If you need to be loved you would be prepared to give more of yourself and so on. I guess knowing your needs bring about greater self awareness and the goals you pursue in life.

Recognising that we are programmed to have all these 5 needs will however serve as a reminder to rebalance occasionally, before being too carried away.

As for me I am not sure whether I am entering into second childhood. Reviewing my situation I conclude I do not have enough FUN probably, especially entertainment. Somehow I have always been putting entertainment under tight scrutiny of whether it is worth spending the time, like watching a silly but amusing TV program for instance. I guess it is high time for me to address more of this need!

Mulling in Beijing

Amongst many enjoyable moments during my carefree stay in Beijing, 2 mornings deserve further mention. Beijing has so many vast natural parks. After a few days of visits to tourist attractions, one morning I decided to take it easy and made my way to the nearest park to just sit down and read a book. Though the temperature hit 31 degree, positioning myself in a densely shaded area provides cool comfort in the breeze. I spent the whole morning reading whilst occasionally amusing myself with evesdropping. A group of 4 elderly men and women were playing some form of card game in the vicinity, spicing the quietness with occasional laughter and laments. Nearby a grandma and her daughter were playing with a toddler, delighting at his antics and bantering about his mischiefs. The sound of a Chinese flute wafted in the breeze. These 2 set of people were there at the same spot the whole morning . Though I have not stayed long enough to form a conclusion, my first impression after visiting this park as well as the one at Tian Tan and GongWangFu is that people seem pretty relaxed especially the elderly. Groups and groups are scattered all over practicing choral singing, dances, various chinese musical instruments not to mention the taiji groups and various other exercises. There were also many grandma and grandpa taking their grandchild (I notice all came with one kid) for a walk/run in the parks whilst amusing themselves chatting with their peer.

Although I must confess I do not frequent the parks in Singapore often enough, just by a proportinate estimate that BJ's population of 17 million is 3 to 4 times that of Singapore, I know instinctively our engagement in cultural activites in the park is absolutely rare in comparison. Maybe we practice indoors because we are more shy haha. Mind you quite a number are of very high standard. At Tian Tan I watched a choral group of 6 women who harmonised so well accompanied by a man playing erhu and their instructor who was the flutist as well. I sat at a bench next to them and had a morning of free entertainment. I often wonder whether having gone through various hardship including the cultural revolution from 1966 to 1976, these older folks now appreciate the peace they now can enjoy.

Another day found me at a deserted inner court of GuGong (The Forbidden City)wondering how many women wasted their lives in that court, which supposedly facing north east with its cold dampness, was meant for the forgotten concubines of the emperor. The trees which were hundreds of years old would have borne witness to the tears that flowed in these chambers. I wondered how they coped with life without a future. I imagined many would also have found a way to find peace within themselves through acceptance and living for something else worth living for.

On my trip back, I was reading an article in the Herald Tribune entitled "The Joy of Less" by Pico Iyer. He began with a quote from a young Dutch woman Etty Hillesum on the way to her death in the Nazi camp: "The beat of my heart has grown deeper, more active, and yet more peaceful, and it is as if I were all the time storing up inner riches...My (life) is one long sequence of inner miracles."

Pico Iyer then went on to describe how when he travelled to off beaten tracks, he noticed that the people he met who are mired in difficulties and often warfare seemed to have more energy and optimism than the friends he grew up with in privileged, peaceful Santa Barbara, California, many of whom were on their fourth marriage and seeing a therapist. The gist of the article is about happiness being the pursuit of what really matters ie. according to him happiness "arose out of all I didn't want or need, not all I did." Somehow when reading this article, my mind kept on seeing scenes of the old folks' contented faces in the parks of Beijing. I also wondered whether the forgotten concubines rationalised to arrive a similar conclusion to sustain their existence.

Second home?

I have been in Beijing for almost 2 weeks. The take away from this trip for me is to consider setting up another home outside Singapore. I think when we live in more than 1 country we will not only have more experiences but will learn to be more alert. This may perhaps help to keep dementia a bit further abay.

'Helping' my daughter moved into a friend's vacant apartment involved liasing with the local Chinese to set up facilities like utilities, internet etc. Their heavy BJ accent added to the difficulty in understanding the differences in the way things work. Moving around on my own, using the subway and taking buses, struggling to blend in so as not to be identified as "wai di ren" (foreigner), trying hard to differentiate between body lotion and shower cream (with my limited chinese) keep my mind active all the time. Needless to say one will be forced to learn Chinese to make life easier.

In Singapore, I would just drift into the MRT and instinctively turn right or left without the need to think. You go to the same shop or supermart to get your stuff and know which row and shelf holds the items you need. Life runs like a program within a 'comfort' zone. Most activities do not need much thinking other than new experiences actively sought after, like new jobs etc.

However in a new land, you have to be alert all the time. You wonder who you can trust and who you have to be wary of. You wonder whether the way you respond is impolite and you are observing people all the time. Even watching people in the park, in the streets, in the train set you wondering what their lifestyle is like and what values are most dear or detestable to them. In short it is quite refreshing.

So instead of being holed up in Spore, one can really consider downgrading into a smaller abode as a foothold in Spore and explore what is a good alternative to spend a couple of months a year outside for a breath of "fresh air".

ps. the bigget drawback in BJ is the polluted air. So BJ is not a good second home though the food is so cheap. Watching groups and groups of people practicing their dance, singing, all forms of martial art and exercise as well as just listening to people chat and enjoying the cool air underneath the shaded trees (yes even in summer) is so enjoyable though.