Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl- This is truly a book worth reading. Frankl is a psychiatrist who survived but lost his wife and children in the holocaust. First part of the book he described the mental state and processes of the prisoners in the Nazi Concentration Camps, what kept them going and how characters changed under such severe physical and mental stress, suffering, and constant danger.
In second part of the book, he described his very own approach towards modern existential analysis which he called logotherapy. Basically it is a "meaning" centred psychotherapy helping the patient understands the meaning in his existence which will keep him going. I won't attempt to describe the book in a couple of paragraphs but would really like to pull out some excerpt which I find worthy.
Fankl frequently mentioned a quote from Nietzsche :" He who has a WHY to live for can bear almost any HOW " He observed that amongst the prisoners, those who found a reason to stay alive often survived, be it for a loved one who might be waiting, an unfinished piece of work or just the challenge of suffering proudly.
Frankl also expounded that in modern man, existential vacuum ( the feeling of void and emptiness within) often results in neurosis. Existential vacuum manifests itself in Boredom. As an example, he cited "Sunday neurosis", a kind of depression which afflicts people who feels the void when freed from the rush and rountine of the work day. In addition to mask this emptiness, the will to Meaning is often substituted with the will to Power or the will to Money, ie, taken over by the will to Pleasure.
Frankl described how he helped his fellow prisoners with this advice " We had to teach the despairing men that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. "
Not only is the meaning of life unique to each individual it changes all the time. He used a very good analogy that asking the question "What is the meaning of life?" is like asking a Chess grandmaster how to win the game. There is no universal answer. However Frankl believed we can usually discover our own meaning through 3 different ways:
1) creating a work or doing a deed
2) experiencing something or encountering someone ( like experiencing love, goodness, truth or beauty as in nature or art )
3) attitude we take towards unavoidable sufferings, for example that suffering has a meaning
" For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment. "
" What is to give light must endure burning. "
Viktor E. Frankl
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Knowing & Rebalancing your Needs
Taking the free time to refresh my memory and to read up a bit more on counselling skills (for children) before I start work.
I thought it may be good to share William Glasser's theory of basic needs(American Psychiatrist who expounded the Choice Theory). They are;
1. Survival (food, shelter, health, sex)
2. Love & Belonging (love, friendship, company)
3. Power (recognition, success, achievement, importance)
4. Freedom (choices, independence)
5. Fun (laughter, enjoyment, learning, growth)
Whilst all of us are born to have these 5 needs, the degree of each need varies with different individuals. Thus the weightage that we place on each of these needs determine the choices we make in life. So if you value survival intensely you may not be comfortable to take too much risk. If you need to be loved you would be prepared to give more of yourself and so on. I guess knowing your needs bring about greater self awareness and the goals you pursue in life.
Recognising that we are programmed to have all these 5 needs will however serve as a reminder to rebalance occasionally, before being too carried away.
As for me I am not sure whether I am entering into second childhood. Reviewing my situation I conclude I do not have enough FUN probably, especially entertainment. Somehow I have always been putting entertainment under tight scrutiny of whether it is worth spending the time, like watching a silly but amusing TV program for instance. I guess it is high time for me to address more of this need!
I thought it may be good to share William Glasser's theory of basic needs(American Psychiatrist who expounded the Choice Theory). They are;
1. Survival (food, shelter, health, sex)
2. Love & Belonging (love, friendship, company)
3. Power (recognition, success, achievement, importance)
4. Freedom (choices, independence)
5. Fun (laughter, enjoyment, learning, growth)
Whilst all of us are born to have these 5 needs, the degree of each need varies with different individuals. Thus the weightage that we place on each of these needs determine the choices we make in life. So if you value survival intensely you may not be comfortable to take too much risk. If you need to be loved you would be prepared to give more of yourself and so on. I guess knowing your needs bring about greater self awareness and the goals you pursue in life.
Recognising that we are programmed to have all these 5 needs will however serve as a reminder to rebalance occasionally, before being too carried away.
As for me I am not sure whether I am entering into second childhood. Reviewing my situation I conclude I do not have enough FUN probably, especially entertainment. Somehow I have always been putting entertainment under tight scrutiny of whether it is worth spending the time, like watching a silly but amusing TV program for instance. I guess it is high time for me to address more of this need!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Mulling in Beijing
Amongst many enjoyable moments during my carefree stay in Beijing, 2 mornings deserve further mention. Beijing has so many vast natural parks. After a few days of visits to tourist attractions, one morning I decided to take it easy and made my way to the nearest park to just sit down and read a book. Though the temperature hit 31 degree, positioning myself in a densely shaded area provides cool comfort in the breeze. I spent the whole morning reading whilst occasionally amusing myself with evesdropping. A group of 4 elderly men and women were playing some form of card game in the vicinity, spicing the quietness with occasional laughter and laments. Nearby a grandma and her daughter were playing with a toddler, delighting at his antics and bantering about his mischiefs. The sound of a Chinese flute wafted in the breeze. These 2 set of people were there at the same spot the whole morning . Though I have not stayed long enough to form a conclusion, my first impression after visiting this park as well as the one at Tian Tan and GongWangFu is that people seem pretty relaxed especially the elderly. Groups and groups are scattered all over practicing choral singing, dances, various chinese musical instruments not to mention the taiji groups and various other exercises. There were also many grandma and grandpa taking their grandchild (I notice all came with one kid) for a walk/run in the parks whilst amusing themselves chatting with their peer.
Although I must confess I do not frequent the parks in Singapore often enough, just by a proportinate estimate that BJ's population of 17 million is 3 to 4 times that of Singapore, I know instinctively our engagement in cultural activites in the park is absolutely rare in comparison. Maybe we practice indoors because we are more shy haha. Mind you quite a number are of very high standard. At Tian Tan I watched a choral group of 6 women who harmonised so well accompanied by a man playing erhu and their instructor who was the flutist as well. I sat at a bench next to them and had a morning of free entertainment. I often wonder whether having gone through various hardship including the cultural revolution from 1966 to 1976, these older folks now appreciate the peace they now can enjoy.
Another day found me at a deserted inner court of GuGong (The Forbidden City)wondering how many women wasted their lives in that court, which supposedly facing north east with its cold dampness, was meant for the forgotten concubines of the emperor. The trees which were hundreds of years old would have borne witness to the tears that flowed in these chambers. I wondered how they coped with life without a future. I imagined many would also have found a way to find peace within themselves through acceptance and living for something else worth living for.
On my trip back, I was reading an article in the Herald Tribune entitled "The Joy of Less" by Pico Iyer. He began with a quote from a young Dutch woman Etty Hillesum on the way to her death in the Nazi camp: "The beat of my heart has grown deeper, more active, and yet more peaceful, and it is as if I were all the time storing up inner riches...My (life) is one long sequence of inner miracles."
Pico Iyer then went on to describe how when he travelled to off beaten tracks, he noticed that the people he met who are mired in difficulties and often warfare seemed to have more energy and optimism than the friends he grew up with in privileged, peaceful Santa Barbara, California, many of whom were on their fourth marriage and seeing a therapist. The gist of the article is about happiness being the pursuit of what really matters ie. according to him happiness "arose out of all I didn't want or need, not all I did." Somehow when reading this article, my mind kept on seeing scenes of the old folks' contented faces in the parks of Beijing. I also wondered whether the forgotten concubines rationalised to arrive a similar conclusion to sustain their existence.
Although I must confess I do not frequent the parks in Singapore often enough, just by a proportinate estimate that BJ's population of 17 million is 3 to 4 times that of Singapore, I know instinctively our engagement in cultural activites in the park is absolutely rare in comparison. Maybe we practice indoors because we are more shy haha. Mind you quite a number are of very high standard. At Tian Tan I watched a choral group of 6 women who harmonised so well accompanied by a man playing erhu and their instructor who was the flutist as well. I sat at a bench next to them and had a morning of free entertainment. I often wonder whether having gone through various hardship including the cultural revolution from 1966 to 1976, these older folks now appreciate the peace they now can enjoy.
Another day found me at a deserted inner court of GuGong (The Forbidden City)wondering how many women wasted their lives in that court, which supposedly facing north east with its cold dampness, was meant for the forgotten concubines of the emperor. The trees which were hundreds of years old would have borne witness to the tears that flowed in these chambers. I wondered how they coped with life without a future. I imagined many would also have found a way to find peace within themselves through acceptance and living for something else worth living for.
On my trip back, I was reading an article in the Herald Tribune entitled "The Joy of Less" by Pico Iyer. He began with a quote from a young Dutch woman Etty Hillesum on the way to her death in the Nazi camp: "The beat of my heart has grown deeper, more active, and yet more peaceful, and it is as if I were all the time storing up inner riches...My (life) is one long sequence of inner miracles."
Pico Iyer then went on to describe how when he travelled to off beaten tracks, he noticed that the people he met who are mired in difficulties and often warfare seemed to have more energy and optimism than the friends he grew up with in privileged, peaceful Santa Barbara, California, many of whom were on their fourth marriage and seeing a therapist. The gist of the article is about happiness being the pursuit of what really matters ie. according to him happiness "arose out of all I didn't want or need, not all I did." Somehow when reading this article, my mind kept on seeing scenes of the old folks' contented faces in the parks of Beijing. I also wondered whether the forgotten concubines rationalised to arrive a similar conclusion to sustain their existence.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Second home?
I have been in Beijing for almost 2 weeks. The take away from this trip for me is to consider setting up another home outside Singapore. I think when we live in more than 1 country we will not only have more experiences but will learn to be more alert. This may perhaps help to keep dementia a bit further abay.
'Helping' my daughter moved into a friend's vacant apartment involved liasing with the local Chinese to set up facilities like utilities, internet etc. Their heavy BJ accent added to the difficulty in understanding the differences in the way things work. Moving around on my own, using the subway and taking buses, struggling to blend in so as not to be identified as "wai di ren" (foreigner), trying hard to differentiate between body lotion and shower cream (with my limited chinese) keep my mind active all the time. Needless to say one will be forced to learn Chinese to make life easier.
In Singapore, I would just drift into the MRT and instinctively turn right or left without the need to think. You go to the same shop or supermart to get your stuff and know which row and shelf holds the items you need. Life runs like a program within a 'comfort' zone. Most activities do not need much thinking other than new experiences actively sought after, like new jobs etc.
However in a new land, you have to be alert all the time. You wonder who you can trust and who you have to be wary of. You wonder whether the way you respond is impolite and you are observing people all the time. Even watching people in the park, in the streets, in the train set you wondering what their lifestyle is like and what values are most dear or detestable to them. In short it is quite refreshing.
So instead of being holed up in Spore, one can really consider downgrading into a smaller abode as a foothold in Spore and explore what is a good alternative to spend a couple of months a year outside for a breath of "fresh air".
ps. the bigget drawback in BJ is the polluted air. So BJ is not a good second home though the food is so cheap. Watching groups and groups of people practicing their dance, singing, all forms of martial art and exercise as well as just listening to people chat and enjoying the cool air underneath the shaded trees (yes even in summer) is so enjoyable though.
'Helping' my daughter moved into a friend's vacant apartment involved liasing with the local Chinese to set up facilities like utilities, internet etc. Their heavy BJ accent added to the difficulty in understanding the differences in the way things work. Moving around on my own, using the subway and taking buses, struggling to blend in so as not to be identified as "wai di ren" (foreigner), trying hard to differentiate between body lotion and shower cream (with my limited chinese) keep my mind active all the time. Needless to say one will be forced to learn Chinese to make life easier.
In Singapore, I would just drift into the MRT and instinctively turn right or left without the need to think. You go to the same shop or supermart to get your stuff and know which row and shelf holds the items you need. Life runs like a program within a 'comfort' zone. Most activities do not need much thinking other than new experiences actively sought after, like new jobs etc.
However in a new land, you have to be alert all the time. You wonder who you can trust and who you have to be wary of. You wonder whether the way you respond is impolite and you are observing people all the time. Even watching people in the park, in the streets, in the train set you wondering what their lifestyle is like and what values are most dear or detestable to them. In short it is quite refreshing.
So instead of being holed up in Spore, one can really consider downgrading into a smaller abode as a foothold in Spore and explore what is a good alternative to spend a couple of months a year outside for a breath of "fresh air".
ps. the bigget drawback in BJ is the polluted air. So BJ is not a good second home though the food is so cheap. Watching groups and groups of people practicing their dance, singing, all forms of martial art and exercise as well as just listening to people chat and enjoying the cool air underneath the shaded trees (yes even in summer) is so enjoyable though.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Mommy is Magic
Last Friday I resumed story telling at the library after taking a 4 month break to concentrate on my studies and practicum. I prepared 2 interesting stories. When I left 4 months ago my audience consisted a mix of older children 6 and above and younger preschoolers. Used to be when I first started more than a year ago the audience was predominantly primary school children who enjoyed tales with twists and turns and would hold their breath when the story is exciting.
Last Friday only about 9 children turned up (which the librarian thought was due to exam period). What I did not expect was a majority of nursery and kindergarten kids who are Chinese nationals and whose command of English is rather low. The trouble is you can't really tell who your audience is until they walk in. There were however 2 older girls about 8 years old. I had to make my story easier to understand and added a lot of sound props and actions. I lost the attention of 3 younger children completely although I noticed 2 other China National girls who were very well behaved listening intently and trying to grasp the story.
Only the 2 older Spore girls liked the story. When I finished the first story I told the 2 older girls that there being so many smaller kids around I have to read a picture book. So I casually picked one from the books being displayed. It caught my eyes because the cover has a big drawing of a mother and a little girl and the words "My Mommy is Magic".
Little did I expect the magic of such a simple book with only a few words in each page. In the book a little girl speaks about the magic of her mommy because mommy kisses away the pain in her finger, knows what she wants to whisper in her ear, chases away the monster in her nightmare etc etc. Few words but when read with the right intonation and expression sparks the feelings of awe and love everytime we read together the last line in each page "Mommy is Magic". What was more surprising, even the 2 older girls seemed to enjoy doing that.
What I gathered from that session is that to have an enjoyable session for the kids, it does not necessary have to be a story that is content based. Something simple which the children can relate and which can stir the magical feelings of wonder will be equally good if not better. Being philosophical I just keep thinking it is the same with life. We do not need to pack it with interesting events or accomplishment all the time. Sometimes we can allow ourselves to dream and wonder at simple things like feeling the care shown us by our loved ones.
Only later did I realise with a smile, it coincided with MOTHER's DAY WEEKEND :D
Last Friday only about 9 children turned up (which the librarian thought was due to exam period). What I did not expect was a majority of nursery and kindergarten kids who are Chinese nationals and whose command of English is rather low. The trouble is you can't really tell who your audience is until they walk in. There were however 2 older girls about 8 years old. I had to make my story easier to understand and added a lot of sound props and actions. I lost the attention of 3 younger children completely although I noticed 2 other China National girls who were very well behaved listening intently and trying to grasp the story.
Only the 2 older Spore girls liked the story. When I finished the first story I told the 2 older girls that there being so many smaller kids around I have to read a picture book. So I casually picked one from the books being displayed. It caught my eyes because the cover has a big drawing of a mother and a little girl and the words "My Mommy is Magic".
Little did I expect the magic of such a simple book with only a few words in each page. In the book a little girl speaks about the magic of her mommy because mommy kisses away the pain in her finger, knows what she wants to whisper in her ear, chases away the monster in her nightmare etc etc. Few words but when read with the right intonation and expression sparks the feelings of awe and love everytime we read together the last line in each page "Mommy is Magic". What was more surprising, even the 2 older girls seemed to enjoy doing that.
What I gathered from that session is that to have an enjoyable session for the kids, it does not necessary have to be a story that is content based. Something simple which the children can relate and which can stir the magical feelings of wonder will be equally good if not better. Being philosophical I just keep thinking it is the same with life. We do not need to pack it with interesting events or accomplishment all the time. Sometimes we can allow ourselves to dream and wonder at simple things like feeling the care shown us by our loved ones.
Only later did I realise with a smile, it coincided with MOTHER's DAY WEEKEND :D
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day- Reflection
Yesterday my husband's extended family went out to celebrate mother's day. My "elder" sister-in-law (wife of my husband's elder brother who is actually a year younger than me) was busy chasing her grandson round the restaurant. My sister-in-law is from a very different background as me. In my generation, in many cases depending on the academic achievement, siblings from the same family can land up in vastly different segments of society. My husband's elder brother was not good in his studies and hence worked as a fisherman, construction worker amongst many other occupation. To make ends meet, my sister-in-law worked very hard to supplement the family income. She brought up her 3 sons well and they appreciate her struggles(because their father used to gamble his income away). Throughout the years, we often heard from my mother in law about the troubles in that family and how my sister in law held the family together. Now things are much much better. My elder nephew is a policeman whilst the other 2 signed on with the army.
Yesterday when I saw my sister-in-law running after her grandson and her joy when inviting us to the ROM ceremony of her second son, I felt she really deserved all this happiness.
I now cast the scene to my family. I of course married late and my children have not even completed their studies. But the difference is more than that. My children, especially my son caution me against transference and projection onto others. So I am reminded to look for fulfilment in my OWN life and not through my children, ie. I should not feel happy or fulfilled only when my children are happy or fulfilled. In short I have to "regain the experience of myself...as the creative bearer of my own life" (Eric Fromm).
Goodness me, what a grilling! I told my children many women, especially Asian women center their lives on their children. I am not alone in having feelings which highly correlate with that of my children. Isn't that part of MOTHER nature? Ha, apparently that is what my children hate ie. when I always say "many people are like that too". They say I need to have more focus and determination to be different and what the herd does is not an excuse for being lazy to change.
Reflecting on what they say it is not without logic. I think whilst being a good mother is to bring up children to be wholesome and happy individuals (to our best ability and knowledge, don't kill yourself if you don't have much haha), we should also look to our inner self to find our own fulfilment. However if fulfilment is running after your grandson like my sister-in-law, just be joyful about it.
Yesterday when I saw my sister-in-law running after her grandson and her joy when inviting us to the ROM ceremony of her second son, I felt she really deserved all this happiness.
I now cast the scene to my family. I of course married late and my children have not even completed their studies. But the difference is more than that. My children, especially my son caution me against transference and projection onto others. So I am reminded to look for fulfilment in my OWN life and not through my children, ie. I should not feel happy or fulfilled only when my children are happy or fulfilled. In short I have to "regain the experience of myself...as the creative bearer of my own life" (Eric Fromm).
Goodness me, what a grilling! I told my children many women, especially Asian women center their lives on their children. I am not alone in having feelings which highly correlate with that of my children. Isn't that part of MOTHER nature? Ha, apparently that is what my children hate ie. when I always say "many people are like that too". They say I need to have more focus and determination to be different and what the herd does is not an excuse for being lazy to change.
Reflecting on what they say it is not without logic. I think whilst being a good mother is to bring up children to be wholesome and happy individuals (to our best ability and knowledge, don't kill yourself if you don't have much haha), we should also look to our inner self to find our own fulfilment. However if fulfilment is running after your grandson like my sister-in-law, just be joyful about it.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
HOPE
Today whilst watching the programme "! Say- Episode 2 " which talks about leaders and people who show resilience in overcoming crisis, something which William Tan (the neuro-scientist who overcome polio to run marathon etc) stikes me.
He said he is blessed with one parent who " embraces HOPE...who shifts mindset from despair, pain and anxiety to HOPE "
I thought to myself this is the most valuable value which any parent can impart to their children. I know I did not. Often I was embroiled in anxiety and despair at the smallest obstacle and whined my way through my difficulties. Sigh....but it is not too late for me and my children (haha) to learn.
I also recalled during a few supervision sessions with my counselling supervisor and the consultant in the Family Service centre (where I interned), they asked me how I will proceed with my clients (after discussing "difficult" cases which I am at a lost). I remembered saying something to the effect of instilling HOPE in my client or making sure the client doesn't lose HOPE.
Going forward I shall use this as my guiding principle working with all my clients. (Yipee I am offered part time counselling job with a primary school starting new school term).
Other than meeting the child's goal, my modus operandi shall be:
To enable the child to feel good about themselves &
To enable the child to accept their limitations and strengths and to feel OK about them and
to share with the children the resilience of William and a phrase often quoted by him:
"Tough times never last but Tough people Do"
He said he is blessed with one parent who " embraces HOPE...who shifts mindset from despair, pain and anxiety to HOPE "
I thought to myself this is the most valuable value which any parent can impart to their children. I know I did not. Often I was embroiled in anxiety and despair at the smallest obstacle and whined my way through my difficulties. Sigh....but it is not too late for me and my children (haha) to learn.
I also recalled during a few supervision sessions with my counselling supervisor and the consultant in the Family Service centre (where I interned), they asked me how I will proceed with my clients (after discussing "difficult" cases which I am at a lost). I remembered saying something to the effect of instilling HOPE in my client or making sure the client doesn't lose HOPE.
Going forward I shall use this as my guiding principle working with all my clients. (Yipee I am offered part time counselling job with a primary school starting new school term).
Other than meeting the child's goal, my modus operandi shall be:
To enable the child to feel good about themselves &
To enable the child to accept their limitations and strengths and to feel OK about them and
to share with the children the resilience of William and a phrase often quoted by him:
"Tough times never last but Tough people Do"
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