When "No" means "Wait"

 

In the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI top hostage negotiator, he advocates that we should aim for our opponent to say "No" as a first step in negotiation. This contradicts our instinct to seek a 'Yes" to our terms.

According to him getting the other party to say "No" for a start puts them in a less defensive stand. The whole idea is to make them feel safe, secure and in control. It is a first step in getting them to engage and listen. After feeling they have protected themselves by saying "No" our counter party can then open up for discussion and understanding options available.

The difficulty however is in our entrenched habit of wanting to hear "Yes". He suggests that we learn to hear "No" calmly. In Voss' words " "No" is not a failure....it really often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that"......Used strategically it's an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you're no longer horrified by the word "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is "No", you can't negotiate. You're the hostage of "Yes". You're handcuffed. You're done".

Personally I find this useful advice in interacting with family members too. Any "No" from my husband usually enrages me and triggers an argument or war of ego. I will then use either passive aggressive behavior or threats to get my way which is quite upsetting. It is true I must learn to accept "No" for a start calmly. Quite often after feeling like he is in charge my husband will come around to hear or offer options, out of guilt perhaps. 

Maybe for a start I must train my mind to think "Wait lah" when I hear "No" from my husband to release the self hostage.

Left and Right brain in counselling

 

Returning from counselling sessions with 2 clients I felt rather drained. The head felt tight. To find some relief I turned to my laptop and instinctively pulled up my equity portfolio. I believe I need to work the left brain to balance the exhausted right brain.

Indeed a counselling session calls for a lot of intuition and creativity ie. working the intuitive right hemisphere of the brain. I have a hunch I use quite a fair bit of intuition in several ways during a counselling session. For example in assessing why a client reacts in a certain way in a given situation and how to draw a client to see their blind spot. I also think it is my right hemisphere brain that absorbs the body language and tone of voice and then helps me speak in a manner that connects with the client. At times I am amazed how suddenly a creative idea pops up in my mind which furthers the therapeutic process. Often the strategies I have planned to apply using my thinking mind are thrown out the window as the client presents new concerns or change in attitude/behaviour. To me counselling is more of an art though supported by science based psychological theories and evidenced based intervention practices. However I often feel unsure of my intuitive strategies when they do not fall into well recognised techniques/practices.

The fact that I pulled out my equity portfolio file instinctively as a source of relaxation could well signal that I have taxed my intuitive mind and needs some rational thinking to derive a mind equilibrium.

"There is an art to science, and science in art; the two are not enemies but different aspects of the whole"- Isaac Asimov