No Perfect Couple

According to Mary Pipher in her book "Women Rowing North" long duration marriages do not arise from perfect relationship but more from a commitment to stay married by the couple. Having to stick to their decision, these married couples find their own way to navigate through frustrations and frictions.

Some strategies and self learned tactics practiced by them include:

1. Being accommodating or adopting habitual quick resolutions to conflicts (like talking through disagreements)
2. Allowing emotional and social space
3. Listening and empathizing without giving advice and knowing what not to say
4. Communicating needs 
5. Balancing each other in behaviour but not remaining too stuck
6. Modifying expectations
7. Ignoring small stuff and focusing on the positive traits of the spouse

The book is about "navigating life's currents and flourishing as we age". Given that average life span has increased married couples must consciously learn to live more happily together.

Thinking in terms of my husband first I feel he needs to step up on number 3 above. At the least he should learn what not to say. Maybe I am a hypochondriac but what I hate most is when he brushes my medical concerns aside as "imaginations" and "all in the mind".

On my part, I should practice modifying expectations and communicating my needs. I must always remember my husband is no mind reader especially so when he is the type who displays very little emotion. I should stop hoping girlishly for surprised gifts and just be direct and instructional on what I want for special occasions for instance. Likewise I need to bury lingering expectations that a leopard can still change its spots and close one eye on his bad habits focusing instead on his traits that gel with harmonious family living. For example I must never forget how he patiently put up with my leaky gut and joint aches during our travels and literally lifts me up during hikes to view awesome scenery

After all I have to admit that we still manage considerably well as co-CEOs running the household despite the frustrations we present each another. As Rita Rudner an American comedian once said, "I love being married. It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".

Meaning in the mundane

How does a retiree make his/her daily routine more invigorating? Apart from the hobbies or activities that we pursue which are in line with our interest or passion, a large part of daily life is occupied by mundane tasks. Unlike a working person where household chores can be a channel to take the mind off work, a retiree has no such need.

I have often wondered for instance how a home maker finds content doing household chores and cooking for the family her entire life. What kind of motivation sustains such repetitive chores. For my part I resort to listening to podcast to raise my pain threshold for household chores. Yet I see women everywhere doing the same household chores without grudges or for that matter embracing a routine life in their stride.

The book "Ikigai- The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life" gives some glimpses into the secret of enjoying mundane tasks. It gives the example of a lift attendant at a department store doing the same job for years with enthusiasm. Upon careful observation one realizes the job involves several detail processes each with a purpose, bowing and greeting the customers warmly, gracefully pushing the lift buttons, announcing the floor level and bowing when they exit, quite similar to that of the Japanese tea serving ceremony. The authors describe it as turning routine tasks into 'moments of micro-flow'. It also helps being present on the job and constantly seeking ways to improve and then taking pleasure in a job well accomplished, much like a sushi chef in a restaurant consistently creating the perfect sushi.

Perhaps that is the reason I find gardening so therapeutic because my mind is totally engaged trying to create a more beautiful garden which seems a never ending task. Perhaps that is also the reason why my mother-in-law is one happy woman cooking for the family for decades. Not only does she tries new recipes but more importantly she adheres to the all encompassing purpose to make sure her family eats well. Yes, purpose can be found in small ways.

As Stacey Peterson, Resiliency Specialist at Mayo Clinic said:
When you can identify and incorporate a personal sense of meaning into your daily life, even in small ways, you're more likely to feel content, fulfilled and at peace.

Presenting Facts of Life to a Child

I am now refreshing my mind with the content for another workshop for kids from divorced families. The prescribed workbook has a page with the bold headline "Why aren't some families together?"

The first line following the heading reads "One of the facts about life that you have discovered by now is that things change". I laughed out loud, a spontaneous response. It is like preaching the concept of Impermanence to a child. Yes honesty is perhaps the best way forward to tell the child about changes but the sentence sounds so jaded.  Fair enough that the writer went on to say that some changes are good and some are bad. Yet the phrase 'Facts about life' sounds so philosophical and so resigned. The phrase 'You (would) have discovered by now' also seems to add years onto their childhood. A sentence like "We can see a lot of changes in the world around us" may sound more appropriate.

Perhaps for a start, this workshop facilitator should walk the talk first and learn to embrace change. At 65 I am still 'discovering' with shock,  this 'fact of life'.  I am surprised by loads of things that change rapidly including

- these body parts that malfunction suddenly
- this mind that doesn't deliver as before
- the change in values that threatens my entrenched worldview
- the grim future from climate change
- the unintended consequences of social media
- the changes in lifestyle brought about by AI and digital technology

If a 65 year old is still grappling with uncertainties that changes may bring about what more do young children facing the loss of a routine family life which is their anchor of security. If my 65 year old habitual mind which longs for certainty in a comfort zone needs meditation to calm the mind and accept Impermanence how much assurance does a young feeble mind needs to feel safe amid change.

I guess some kids have to face reality and the 'facts of life' at younger age than others and we have to help them stay resilient but avoid developing a pessimistic outlook which douses the child like spirit.

Passion or Interest

We are often asked to follow our passion to live a fulfilling life. However we may look very hard for our passion to no avail. Tips like asking yourself what subject you can read 500 books about without feeling bored or remember what you love doing when you were a child may lead you nowhere.

Paul A O'Keefe, an assistant professor of psychology at Yale NUS gives us hope when he suggests that interests and passion aren't waiting to be found or revealed. Instead we have to actively develop them through effort and commitment. He goes on to illustrate how the advice to 'find' your passion can actually mislead you into thinking that once the interest is found pursuing it will be a breeze. Thus when you face difficulties in the process you conclude that it isn't your passion after all and give it up. 'Finding your passion' mindset also constrains one into believing that interests are fixed and inherent in a person.

'Developing your passion' on the contrary is a 'growth' mindset encouraging one to explore by trying different area of interests. With a 'developing' attitude one willingly puts in more effort, commitment and perseverance.

In my case I know clearly I am no good with my hands and art thus ruling out many area of interest. Hence there is no need to waste time exploring pottery, cookery, painting etc. I sense I am good with children and have a bit of imagination. Thus story telling comes quite easy and engaging with children is mostly a pleasure. However it can not be described as a consuming passion. But does a passion need to be all consuming? Does it need to take center stage of our life? It has often been said that your passion is the purpose you are in this world. It can then be quite disheartening if one fails in finding one's passion.

Just the other day I was at the Children's Home engaging with a boy and a girl. It is common for children at the Children's Home to fortify a play home with walls and fences to protect the toy children figurines  within. The boy was busy looking for items to create a solid boundary for his home. The girl was constructing another home using lego blocks. I joined in the play by building blocks of lego wall for the boy's play home. The three of us were engrossed working quietly together. Momentarily I became aware of the state of complete ease and enjoyment I was experiencing. I realised that feeling was what people often describe as being in the flow.

I guess it doesn't matter what you call it, be it consuming passion or mere interest. One should aim to explore activities  that generate such enjoyable absorption and foster being with the present moment.