Things that never cross your mind when well

The prescription of 2 antibiotics for 2 weeks renders me weak and tired. Having Diverticulitis with pain on one side of the abdomen meant I have to forgo the usual bone building exercise class and refrain from strenuous activities. The mind also becomes a little fuzzy.

Waking up from afternoon nap and wanting to linger in bed, staring up at the ceiling, the mind drifts and wanders. Thoughts about my brother who died of cancer kept coming back. Even at the radiology unit, as the CT scan machine slid my flatly laid body under the arch of steel and panels and then jerked me forward and backward before the robotic voice told me to hold my breath, I had wondered how my brother would have felt during the numerous times he underwent this procedure. Lying listless in bed at home, feeling drained of energy, I knew I was experiencing a slight fraction of how he lingered during his last days. Sadness crept in and my mind wondered how the final days would be like for me, would l I be able to manage a major illness?  Dark thoughts but having googled and discovered that mood changes is one of the side effects of the antibiotic I snapped out of it and got up to review the stock market. As mercenary as it sounds, reviewing my investments does pump me up. A friend who was a lecturer developed an interest in stock investment during his final days battling a cancer.  Perhaps it was something tangible he could relate to in a world that seemed dissolving before him.

Paul Kalalithi in his book When Breath Becomes Air lamented that his illness not only 'limits' his time on earth but also 'limits' his energy. Kalalithi's wife in the epilogue of his book described how mental acuity was his top concern during his final days, "the prospect of losing meaning and agency agonizing".

This is something to think about for people helping others in end of life care. This too is something for us to think about and prepare, things which will not cross our mind when we are well and busy with our routine..