Each own equilibrium

Continuing from the last blog about my stay in Perth I must relate some interesting eavesdrop conversations. On our trip to the Airport we found ourselves squeezed with 2 Caucasian couples in a small van shuttle service. After some brief where-from and where-to  introductions the other 2 couples found some very common topics of conversation. Both coincidentally just got off from the 'Princess' cruise liner at Fremantle. The British couple are probably in their sixties whilst the New Zealand couple appear to me to be much older, probably in their late sixties or early seventies. It is difficult though to tell the age of Caucasians. I feel they generally look older than their age.

So there was an animated exchange of complaints and grouses about their cruise experience frequently punctuated with "we paid them good money right". However what really amused me was their shared complaint about the lack of interesting activities and the average age of the crowd. They were aghast that the average age of the passengers was 75 and they were frustrated with the bean bag throwing exercises. The New Zealand woman said she approached the staff to introduce more interesting programs like Ballroom dancing perhaps but was told that the cruise had to cater to the preferences of the majority. Then they complained about a virus which spread like wildfire keeping 7 out of 10 away from one of their dinner tables. The New Zealand man apparently was recovering after paying a few hundred bucks on doctor's fees. They joked that the doctor on the ship probably made the most money.

What I found so amusing is what I would describe as the elderly being ageist themselves. The sixties complained about the behaviour of the seventies and probably the seventies about the eighties and so on. I laugh because I find myself being one occasionally. For instance at large company AGMs I literally squirm when a retiree investor implores the board for more dividend or tries to create some jokes with ridiculous questions. I perceive these people as 以老卖老  (flaunting one's age or seniority by ignoring manners and appropriateness ) . I also accuse older people of incorrect memories (especially my sisters') when I myself am the culprit. My biased perception tends to question theirs because they are older.

However those eavesdropped conversations en-route to the airport conjures  the picture of a van of drifters (including my husband and me ) always in search of interesting experiences. Not a bad thing except that they are fleeting and often fall short of our expectations. We need to return home to a base with a sense of purpose. It can be derived from simple things like taking care of grandchildren or a pet, being involved in some community services or religious institutions or pouring our energy into a hobby like gardening which I so admired observing the hosts of my Airbnb stay in Perth (as described in my previous blog).

As retirees we are free to choose the mix that fits us best, the balance between finding purpose and just relaxing; for each their own equilibrium.

Being alive

My first Airbnb experience was wonderful. The air fare to Perth was so attractive that I had to find something worthwhile to do there. Googling images of Perth in spring gave rise to the purpose of seeing wild flowers. Indeed the pictures of bright yellow Canola fields and the wild flowers along walking tracks provided tips on the destinations I should be heading for.

So I chose an accommodation in Kalamunda (an hour from Perth) which was near the start of a hiking track and also not too far from the town called York which is in the vicinity of Canola fields amongst other farms. Kalamunda itself is a wooded hilly region which one can see from Perth city in the horizon.

Little did I know I was checking into a mini botanical garden nurtured by an elderly couple. The room with an ensuite living area was on the second floor with a separate entrance from the main entrance. As the house was perched on a hill slope, the window views look directly into the tree tops giving one the feeling of staying in a tree house. What is most remarkable however is the great variety of trees, plants and flowers that the couple so painstakingly cultivated. There was a prune tree in full bloom which looks like cherry blossom and we could help ourselves to the lemons from the lemon tree. A great number of the species we subsequently spotted during our short hike and in Perth's King's park can be found in the hosts' garden. In fact they even have some rather unique plants. Kangaroos were hopping outside the fence and you can actually see very colourful birds perching on the trees from the bedroom window.

Before I am too carried away by the premise I must rave about the  hosts. They are probably in their late sixties or early seventies but what strikes me is their full commitment and zest in tending their plot of land. The irrigation system, the nursery patches, the compost yard, the protected seedlings in little cages, various types of enclosure, the wild flowers and trees that blend into the surroundings and various gardening tools bear traces of the effort and energy they have put in. Their eyes light up when they speak about their plants. At any time be it in the morning, afternoon or evening they are somewhere outside the house in boots, dirty gloves and pants. I find them very inspiring in that there have found a purpose to indulge in which keeps their retirement living alive. Yes 'alive' is the right word. Though they are a quiet couple they really look alive. Right, we are talking about a passion again and it does not have to be anything sophisticated.

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years"

Feel the feelings

In my earlier blog I shared about the workshop session for children of divorced parents which I was assisting in.  In the third and final session, a 11 year old hyper active boy was really a handful refusing to sit at his place and distracting the other kids.

A lot of emphasis is in getting the children to acknowledge their feelings. Activities were designed to normalize the fear, sadness, anger and worry the children are feeling when their parents decide to end their marriage.

The hyper active boy declared loudly he does not feel anything and refused to complete his worksheet. I have to pull him to a corner as he was starting a playful fight with a younger boy. I tried to have a quiet one to one talk with him about his feelings but he again told me in exasperation "I really don't feel anything". The children were also asked to think of a message to their parents expressing feelings and wishes when forced to act as a go between  (I hope you will tell daddy yourself given as an example). The boy filled the sentence starting with "I hope....." as "I hope you will never talk to me forever". This shows there is anger although he declares he has no feelings, a clear denial.

I did a bit of research on why some people do not reveal their feelings or are unable to feel.  Below are a few factors I found which may relate to this boy:

1) The fear that revealing their feelings may make them not only appear weak but may actually make them feel weak and powerless. They avoid dialogue which may end up making them feel worse.

 2) They don't trust that others will respond in caring and supportive ways and fear giving others the opportunity to make them feel worse

3) While some will become withdrawn with an inherent subconscious message "I'm not going to risk your hurting me", there are others who will on the contrary become restless or hyper. This type of people are trying to distract themselves from the hurt inside.

The mind certainly can come up with defensive mechanisms to protect a person from hurting. I certainly hope the boy is just concealing his feelings and has not actually turned numb to stop his pain.

Let the myths linger awhile.

I am helping out in a workshop designed for children from divorced families. During the first session the children learnt about myths and truths. It seems to me one of the hardest truth for the kids is "My parents will never be together again" and the myth that "My parents will be together again" is the most difficult myth to be thrown to the wind.

The second session is about being caught in the middle. The children were asked to express their feelings when used by parents as a go between messenger or when they have to put up with the bad mouthing as well as bearing the brunt of each parent's anger. The children were taught how to send out "I" messages in a tactful way expressing how they feel when caught in these situations. So a worksheet that goes like "I feel........when you........" followed by "I hope..........."  is handed out. Examples were given like "I feel scared when you ask me to tell daddy he can't have time with me next week. I hope you can tell daddy yourself".

However one child insists on writing on the worksheet " I hope you and daddy will be together again" after filling up the first part. The social worker asked him isn't that a myth which was learnt last week. The boy retorted that he always tries to bring his parents together again. When the social worker asked him whether he succeeded he replied "No, but we have to keep on trying". The child is 9 years of age.

In my sandplay engagement with a little girl, it took her more than 10 sessions to finally acknowledge the fruitlessness of hoping for a reconciliation and that was after her mother remarried. Her second last session with me was a poignant sand story about a child and her mother being transported to a new world. The child in the story was petrified that her mum had totally lost all her memories of the old world. Though my client is experiencing a new life with her new dad there is the lingering fear that mum will totally forget the old world they once lived in with her own dad. As I told her mum those memories meant a lot to her.

I guess even when we must learn to live with truths, we can let happy myths linger till its time for them to fly away.