No case notes, just PLAY

A pair of siblings, a boy aged 10 and a girl aged 7, are in my sandplay therapy program in the Malay Children's Home. Typically a sandplay therapy session is a one-to-one engagement where the therapist provides a safe and secure environment for the child to explore self. Hence the child is told that the time and space is totally his. In short he/she is free in his/her own world. For many sessions, the boy had selected action figures to enact fierce one on one fighting manoeuvres in the sand or multitudes of soldiers and artilleries to create some elaborate battles. This is often viewed as the child trying to combat and process internal threats and anger. The sister on the other hand has without fail played at cooking for little baby figurines whom she would put to sleep after the meal (probably part of the inner desire to be nurtured or self assurance she would be). Often when I enquire of the girl whether she will look for her brother for comfort when she is unhappy she would reply that her brother does not care about her. As for the boy he thinks his sister is often miserable, angry, throwing tantrums and uncontrollable. Yet this is the boy who froze and was instantly saddened once during therapy when the noise of a commotion created by her sister filtered into our therapy room. Though living in the same children's home I doubt they have much private time together. As the boy is still very angry with his mother he does not join in when the mother occasionally brings the younger child out.

At the last sandplay session, I deviated from the one to one engagement format. As the older brother was back from school early which is hard to come by, I asked the younger sister's permission to shorten her session in order that her brother can have a session too. The sister agreed but when her brother arrived she refused to leave the therapy room. To avoid her kicking a huge tantrum which she is capable of,  I suggested they played in separate corners of the room which I thought was necessary given the diverse play they usually engage in. The toy kitchen sets, toy food and tea sets were still lying in and around the sand tray. I told him we should clear them so he could build his own story. To my huge surprise he said he did not mind playing with his sister at cooking to which her sister squealed with sheer delight. 

So the siblings took turns to play as chief cook with the other as assistant in cooking meals which I was instructed to order as the customer. Watching the pair of siblings playing whilst "waiting for my food" I could sense the little girl's great joy. You can say I am one huge happy customer observing my little chefs cooking my favourite food. Yet a tinge of sadness pulled my heart a little when I realised how deprived they were ie. deprived of just a normal home setting to play together on their own.

Sometimes I am in a dilemma between doing as the theory and text teach me or just throw them into the wind and act according to what my heart tells me. Before they left big brother asked me "when is it my turn again?" "You want to play with your sister again?" I asked. He nodded shyly.

OK, sandplay therapy is also used for couples in conflict where each partner creates a sand picture or story and describes it as the other partner listens in silence. No, my sibling clients are never going to carry out such a process. They are just going to play like any brother and sister. I will let them and probably play along. 

Sorry no case notes! We are just happy playing together!

Bullying in Singapore schools

" I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?"

My 15 year old client recited the above verse from "Merchant of Venice" and described himself as Shylock in Nazi Germany. Of mixed Caucasian-Chinese parentage and from a single parent family, he is the only white boy in his neighbourhood school. He has to defend himself against rumours and being made fun of.

The Sunday Times on 20 August 17 reported that Singapore has the third highest rate of bullying globally in a study carried out by OECD. Six types of bullying were mentioned involving physical, verbal and relational/social bullying. In Singapore the top 3 prevalent forms of bullying are being made fun of, being left out on purpose and having nasty rumours spread about them.

The study suggested that bullying in Singapore can be more frequent in schools with poor disciplinary climate. Indeed that is the sense I get when I enquire of my client what actions the teachers usually take when a case of bullying is reported. From his account I imagine an environment where the teachers seem either to have lost control or adopt an indifferent attitude.

Way back when I was working as a part time school counsellor in a neighbourhood school I already noticed the struggle the school seemed to have in managing this problem. Looks like far from improving the situation may have worsen. To be ranked third in the world for bullying is really shocking.

My client has described to me the different cliques that exist in class along racial and national divisions. So there is the predominant local Chinese clique, the Malay clique, the China National clique all of which he finds difficult to penetrate. Does that mean all those wayang wayang (drama) about racial harmony has gone down the drain?

In the same report our students are also found to be suffering from high levels of anxiety. I was wondering whether this correlates to high incidence of bullying. However South Korean students who are also renowned to be high stressed are rank the lowest in rate of bullying. It then must be attributed to inadequacy in character development of our young. Are our schools too focused on academic achievement at the expense of moral education?

The Sunday Times interviewed a 25 year old lady who described being ostracised when she was in Sec 3. "I remembered not looking forward to recess because I didn't have any friends to sit with, and I would make up all kinds of excuses to avoid facing the loneliness and shame at school". "...it can be hard to truly gauge and understand how much a person is suffering inside."

My client has described to me that he feels he is "not alive" in school "dragging himself through classes". When I went home to google more on Shylock's speech in Merchant of Venice I found the following lines:

"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"

Yes, in fact my little Shylock was sharing with me about plotting revenge against the Nazis. Sigh....

Malay vs Chinese fruit buyer

Recently I joined my sister in law for a durian trip to Johor organised by her company's recreational club. The Malaysian Chinese local guide is full of humour and entertained us with jokes and anecdotes on Malaysian life.

In one of his so called observations he said that the Malays in Johor are economically better off than before. When they go shopping they are not so concerned with the prices. He made a comparison of the consumer behaviour between a Malay and a Chinese at a fruit stall. The Malay customer will ask for a kg of this fruit and that before knowing the price. A Chinese consumer however will be poking at the fruits with her fingers or asking for free tasting. She will then criticise the fruit for lack of freshness or sweetness. Then she starts haggling for a better price quoting a lower price which another stall down the road is selling. Well it may be true to an extent and all for a good laugh,

However his observation does remind me of a natural feeling or inherent belief I have growing up in Malaysia. To be frank I feel more at ease transacting with a Malay than a Chinese. For instance I will trust that a Malay taxi driver will not purposely take a longer route to the destination just to earn a dollar more. Apparently TJ Newbold, a traveller and orientalist who worked with the East India Company in the early 20th Century remarked that the local Malays are " much more honest than the natives of China and of India" in commercial dealings, "by whom, however, he is far surpassed in industry and perseverance."

So that's a fact. Chinese are industrious and perseverant but, in my opinion, to a point of pragmatism that fringes competitiveness at all cost . I guess a lot of it has to do with the collective endurance of hardship throughout history. The Malays on the other hand are less competitive and more relaxed and gentle in manner. Ian Lloyd a National Geographic photographer who spent a long time in Malaysia said "Malaysians have an enviable sense of contentment, unusual in today's frenetically paced world....the soul of the country still resides in the kampongs, or villages, where traditional values and caring for the community are what counts.."

When I visit the Malay Pertapis Children's Home for sandplay therapy with the kids, I usually offer them sweets at the end of the session. During the fasting month of Ramadan I refrained from doing that. On one visit during Ramadan I informed the kids I was unable to visit the following week as I had to see a child at another center whom I had not met for months. One Malay kid asked me whether the child I would be seeing is Chinese or Malay to which I replied she was a Chinese girl. The Malay kid then added "then you must remember to bring sweets for her because Chinese do not fast".

I wonder whether a Chinese kid would remind me had the situation be reversed. Maybe I am biased but I really doubt so. Who knows a Chinese kid, like the Chinese fruit customer, may even ask that I accumulate her entitlement of sweets each week till Ramadan is over!

Nonchalance

Recently I encountered 2 young men who were quite impolite in a matter of fact way. One was at Cold Storage Supermarket the butchery department. I asked the young butcher (probably in his early 20's) whether he could help cut the ribs into smaller pieces. He asked me with a blank face "Who will pay my medical cost if I cut my fingers?" "Of course your company," I laughed. He was not amused but just went on to say that he couldn't cut them any smaller.  I was taken aback by his poor customer service attitude but was not angry, only slightly put off. Instead I walked away a bit puzzled and strangely enough with a bit of admiration for such youthful nonchalance.

It happened again today in the wet market. The son of the old vegetable seller was manning another section of the stall. He seemed to be in really bad mood and was pulling a long face. He called the attention of the customers next in line for payment by tapping his fingers impatiently. The customers seemed to be afraid of him. When it was my turn I asked him to include some scallion and celery. He said he only had short celery. "Oh those aren't yours?" I pointed to 2 baskets close to his stall. "What do you think?" he said. "I don't know," I said. I exchanged a glance of disbelief with another customer. Again I wasn't angry but more surprised by the "Can't care two hoots" attitude from the young man.

I find that whilst I like people who are warm and friendly I have always admire people with a nonchalance air around them.

Ogden Nash (American poet) wrote:
"I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance (unconcern)
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance (nuisance)"
He seems to be alluding to how work gets in the way of a carefree and heedless lifestyle

Maybe nonchalance and insouciance have always been part of my alto ego, which my conscious self is not brave enough to embrace. The defiant attitude of the 2 youngsters reminds me of my shadow.