Big Questions in Life to be answered

Today's BT runs an article "A Good Death" and discusses what constitutes a Good Death and not how the poet Dylan Thomas described as "Rage, rage against the dying of the light".

The chief of clinical affairs, Tsao Foundation opined that a good death is "one with a good mind, one that is peaceful and one that has closure. All the big questions in life have been answered..."

When I read the last bit I can not help but let out a cynical snort. "All the big questions in life have been answered?" Can anyone really achieve that? Maybe if the person does not have really BIG questions.

Reading on the good doctor talks about how one should prepare for a good death. For a start one has to live a responsible and conscientious life so as not to depart with regrets and guilt. Perhaps that is what he means by the big questions eg. have I been a good parent, child, sibling or person in the world?

He then goes on to say that those who are prepared are usually contented, accepting and also grateful. To achieve this, groundwork has to be laid in various aspects, financial, legal, psychological, medical and spiritual. Whilst the first 2 are more manageable I feel the later ones require longer duration of effort and good cultivation. Whilst the drawing of a will and the making of an AMD cum LPA  can be done quickly when one stops procrastinating, how does one prepare psychologically for the physical pain accompanying illnesses prior to death. In particular what strategy does one adopt if the lucid mind is aware of its gradual decline into unawareness.

In addition psychological and spiritual preparation may not be so simple. One wakeful night from an overdose of caffeine I stared into the ceiling and asked myself in all honesty what I believe will happen after death. I had pursued bible studies in school and attended Buddhist classes decades later. Whilst the idea of returning home to a beloved father is comforting , the principle of cause and effect and the resultant reincarnation from the seed of  consciousness seems more tenable. Yet there are doubts and anguish which need to be resolved and processed. These in my mind are the Big questions in life that must be answered.

Having said that what is equally important is to be at peace and find gratitude in THIS life. It is looking through life nearing death and said I have been true to myself and have done what I could to bring some sunshine into the lives of others.

Indeed all are big questions but not so easily answered.

Living with boredom has to be learnt

Two days ago I conducted story telling at the Library. The story like many fairy tales has a repeated storyline. It is about a poor fisherman, having caught a golden fish and releasing it back into the sea, was granted wishes. In the story he was sent by his wife 5 times to ask for more riches and power till finally they were restored to their original state after the wife asked to be the queen of the sea.

It is very common to find repeated scenes or repeated actions in fairy tales and children stories. So they are many fairy tales where the main character has to undergo several challenges to triumph over evil. A simple animal story would also have one baby animal approaching several other different animals with the same question to solve a mystery.

However like my session two days ago I observe increasingly that young children get quite restless and start fidgeting when they sense a repeated sub plot or storyline. I have been conducting story telling for close to 10 years and find it more difficult to select story books that can hold the children's attention. In other words I feel today's children seem to be easily bored. That is why I have to look for books which I can dramatise into the like of a  TV show or computer game.  Children story books have repeated phrases or scenes with the intention for children to retain the words or theme. However today's children may be so smart that this may not be necessary.

Seems to me technology has created so much fun for children there is no chance for them to experience delayed gratification ie. they do not have opportunity to live with boredom. "Free baby sitting services" provided by technology has blasted their minds with visual and audio stimulation unmatched by print media. Moreover parents are quick to offer alternatives once their kids complain about an activity being uninteresting.

So last Tuesday I have some parents walking out halfway through the story because their kids found the story too boring and started to be restless. I think they have no patience for the fisherman's wife to build up her ambitions. They want their children's wish to be answered immediately.

My advice to these parents. Better train their kids to fold clothes or do so household chores, ie. to learn to live with boredom.

Grasping in a dream?

Buddhism is now embraced by many Westerners in the US in particular South California. Quite a number of Buddhist podcasts originated from there. From these Buddhist talks I observe that they downplay the concept of reincarnation whilst promoting Buddhism as a practical philosophy of achieving happiness and skilful living. They approach 'karma' the law of cause and effect more from a scientific perspective and focus on the basic Buddhist tenets of dukha (sufferings arising from desire, aversion and ignorance), impermanence and non self.

At one of the talks a teacher used a metaphor when someone in the audience remarked that it is difficult to accept the fact that we cannot remember our past lives. The teacher described reincarnations as dreams. Just as we are not able to remember our dreams likewise we fail to remember our past lives.

Whilst I was having some quiet time, I reflected on this metaphor of dreams. On the hypothesis that there is reincarnation and our past lives are like the multitudes of dreams that arise and fade away, then one can see there is really nothing to hold onto so tightly in this life. Dreams can be very vivid and whilst in the dreams we do not know we are dreaming. They always seem so real. Yet most times we cannot remember them the next morning or may remember them only as fuzzy fragmented stories. If we see this life as one dream out of thousands we may not grasp onto it as if it is the be-all and end-all.

In the historical TV drama 雍正王朝 which depicts the life of emperor Yungzhen, there is a scene which remains imprinted in my mind. The scene shows the emperor in his study late at night. Earlier on he had received news about the passing of his eighth brother. This brother was his greatest rival for the throne whom he defeated. Before his death, he wrote Yungzhen a letter. As the emperor read the letter in his study, the ghost of his brother appeared pacing the text of the letter. In the letter the brother told Yungzhen he was holding on too tightly and should learn to let go. It did not matter whether one won or lost for everything is transient as a fleeting cloud. 过眼云烟 The scene was so well done with images of mist and candles blowing out, a true representation of life.

Rescue the Rescuer

As a sandplay therapist I sometimes meet parents of my clients to provide feedback on my observations about them. As such I also learn about the kinds of challenges these parents are facing in life. Furthermore I am also aware of the circumstances which landed the kids in the children's home I am volunteering in. All these associations sometimes make me very philosophical about life and in the mood to search for meaning.To be honest I am sometimes affected and have to make a conscious effort to be detached. That is the reason why counselors need a lot of resourcing and by the way I think they are grossly underpaid.

 What I fail to understand however is why even in my choice of books or literature to read I would inevitably favour those that describe lives under challenging social settings. So recently I borrowed a book which is a collection of the best American essays published in 2016 across various states' magazines and newspaper. The essays give a glimpse into various facets of American life. Some are quite funny and entertaining whilst others are sadly engaging. Those that remain in my mind are the ones that describe intense emotional struggles. In particular is one where the writer gives a poignant account of her parents' pain and sacrifices in bringing up an autistic sibling in the 1960's.

My son ascribes this character trait of mine to the water sign I am born under, Cancer. According to the horoscope Cancerians are said to be deeply sympathetic and emotionally vulnerable in that they are very sensitive to other peoples' feelings.

Looks like this rambling is going nowhere (lol). How did it begin anyway? Ah I remember. I was asking myself this morning why I am so affected by the Lee family squabble. I told myself "I hate bullies" that's why. That started this self conversation wondering about my sense of sympathy for people who either are victims of social ills and injustices or who suffer some misfortune.

 Perhaps I should have more sympathy for Myself too. Maybe I should further analyse the "rescuer" personality in me. Could there be an imprint from way back as early as childhood?  From a positive angle it could be a nurturing trait developed since childhood having to take care of either parents or siblings' emotional needs. From a negative approach it could well be an attempt to rescue the self from some painful past, projected onto others and hence a form of self-healing.

Looks like I got to rescue myself from the need to rescue others.