Effective drivers or the lack of

I am approached from time to time whether I would consider working full time in a social service setting. Many times I just declined promptly out of sheer intuition that I have no energy to take on a full time job.

I am now attending a short course at SACE on Resolving People Problem. Last week there was some useful tips on motivation. The lecturer drew a triangle with the words "Effective Drivers" inside the triangle and along the sides of the triangle the words 'should', 'would'' and 'could'. To be motivated for a course of action a person rationalises the benefits and whether he 'should' go for it. He then asks whether he has the ability to pursue it and ticks the 'could' if he has. Eventually he must ask whether he 'would' do it ie. whether he has the desire to do it.

Using this process to decide on a full time employment, I apply the above 3 tests. I guess with some effort to learn on the job and pick up additional skills I 'could' do it. The 'should' involves asking about the benefits. The monetary rewards is of no incentive and so if I think I 'should' take it up it would be coming from intentions to do something good. The overriding driver is whether I have that desire ie.'would I do it?'.

I then fall back on the checklist of job motivation namely, "achievement', 'affiliation' and 'power'. To process the checklist I ask the 3 associated questions of myself. Do I have a strong need to accomplish challenging goals? Do I value belonging to a group of colleagues? Do I want to control and influence others? Sad to say I end up with 'nay' for all 3.

Thus when asked why I would not take up a full time job my justifications is often about having other commitments. However with a friend I would follow up with a lament "Actually I am lazy lah" My intuition has done the analysis subconsciously.

Its not pervasive

Reading the book "Option B" by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant  for a book club meet. In the book there is mention of the 3 Ps that often hinder a person's recovery from grief or loss. They are 1) personalisation 2) pervasiveness and 3) permanence. Personalisation refers to self blame (my fault). Pervasiveness is the belief that the event affects all aspects of one's life. Permanence is the belief that the grief or aftershock will last forever.

I shall focus my thoughts on "pervasiveness". Sheryl Sandberg's (COO of Facebook) husband died of a sudden heart attack and she had to manage not only her own grief but that of her children. I have recently blogged about how she learnt from Adam Grant (pyschologist) to build resilience in her children.

Sandberg relates how going back to work helped with pervasiveness. She describes that in the Jewish tradition there is intense mourning for 7 days upon a death in the family after which regular activities are supposed to resume. At first she was in a complete haze but slowly moment by moment starting from seconds when she was drawn into a discussion when she forgot about her husband's death, she managed to regain her routine. Appreciating one's blessings despite the misfortune also helps tremendously. She also noticed that children seem less affected by pervasiveness. For instance she observed in relief that her child was actually enjoying a birthday party thrown for her.

Like the children many among us can intuitively manage pervasiveness when hit by an unhappy event. We seek resourcing through nature or engage with activities which take our minds off it. One Buddhist teacher suggests when we are down to state the negative feeling followed by something nice that you notice eg. 'there is sadness in the heart and the sky is blue' or 'there is anger in me and I am quite a good gardener'.

Yesterday I followed a podcast that teaches one to meditate by "breathing up the spine from the base to the neck and into the space behind our mouth". I tried it. Whilst taking deep breaths I imagined the breath in front of my spine moving slowly upwards. I had started off with some pain in my lumbar region and I felt it strongly. However as I focused on the feelings on the spine as the breath moved upwards these feelings took over and the initial lumbar pain seemed to have lessened or probably were sidelined. It reminded me that even in our body we have to be aware of parts that feel good or neutral and not focus only on those parts that feel uncomfortable.

 "But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed"-Kahlil Gibran on joy and sorrow.

20 years to do what?

The package tour to Ningxia China which I joined some weeks ago comprised mainly of retirees. The favourite topic of conversation inevitably was about travel. I found out that for a few of them travelling is almost a routine taking place every other month if not more often.  The common refrain is having nothing much to do in life.

Just a couple of days ago a friend returning from a short stay at his friend's second home in Perth described how that retired couple shuttle between their 2 homes in Singapore and Perth. They usually spend less than 3 months in their Singapore home. Apart from Perth this couple also take long cruises all over the world in cruise ships.They told my friend that taking cruises can actually work out to be less costly than staying in old folks' home! Apparently frequent cruisers who book a year in advance are given steep discounts. According to them one only pays about S$150 per pax per day on an average to go for long cruises consecutively. Considering that food, lodging and entertainment are taken care of and with doctors on board it is definitely more appealing than an old folks' home.

Wow I have never thought this can be an alternative lifestyle for us retirees. During some weekend stays in Malaysia though, I have actually given thought that long term hotel stays in Malaysia can be cheaper than living in Singapore. For  a couple's room of S$80 a day a sumptuous breakfast buffet is included which means one need only to spend on dinner. With the SGD being 3 times stronger than ringgit, a couple can live comfortably hopping from hotel to hotel for just over S$100 a day, no need to cook and do household chores too.

The over riding concern however is whether this is living listlessly. Honestly when the tour participants shared that they travel to pass time it gives me a shudder. No doubt travelling is an experiential activity that opens the mind but don't we need to develop some core vocation/hobby/activities that occupy us even into old age when travel may be inhibited.


Vatican City, Jul 14, 2014 -Organizers for the first-ever audience to be held between a pope and the elderly population have revealed that a central reflection will be the active vocation of the aged in the Church and in society. 
“We have given 20 years of life to old people now (in Western countries), but 20 years to do what?" That was the big question that meeting wanted to discuss.

That is a very relevant question for people to think about even before they become senior citizens.

Where Genghis Khan once tread

Last week I joined a package tour to Nngxia, China which shares a boundary with Inner Mongolia. It was really quite a historical tour with visits to the Western Xia Tombs. the Shuidonggou Civilization and carvings at the Helan Mountain by ancient nomads more than 2000 years ago. The highlight for me was the ride across the Tengger desert to an oasis like pond.

For this tour we had to travel by couch from north to west and then onto the southern region of Ningxia. Sometimes we were on the roads for about 6 hours a day through miles of miles of arid land in the horizon. The local tour guide could not have chosen a better video on the bus to entertain us, Genghis Khan. Genghis Khan's last conquest before his death was the invasion of 西夏, Western Xia. The video was very detailed about his invasions and there were scenes after scenes of battles and hordes and hordes of horses racing across the region stirring up dust storms. Watching the video and looking out of the bus window into the horizon of sand that hanged in the air was kind of surreal. You are on the very grounds where lives were lost and battles won. The story depicted how the women of those days were treated as spoils of battle. Genghis Khan's wife was kidnapped by the Tartars before she was rescued. As a result their firstborn, born 9 months after her rescue, was the victim of  suspected lineage resulting in a lot of pain for himself and his mother (this is true and not fictional). Indeed the story portrayed the physical vulnerability but inner strength of many female characters. Although the subplots were half fictional it is not very far from the reality of those times. Maybe watching the show in that environment created the surreal setting that reminded me that hardship and pain is a fact of life from time immemorial. The resilience of the characters who bore the pain and took things in their stride inspired me.


 It is funny but I always have a penchant for history. History reminds us of how people used to live as compared to how we presently live. We see how things change and why they change. Above all or at least for me it reminds me how people live their lives, be it wisely or not so wisely.