Fear of Regrets

Michael Lewis' book "The Undoing Project" told the fascinating story of Amos Tversky and Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman who carried out studies on our decision making process and debunking the assumption that we make choices based on economic rationality. The book describes an unusual collaboration so close that they themselves couldn't tell who originated with which idea.

One of their findings which really stood out for me is that of "minimizing regret" versus "maximizing utility". They found that for many people the fear of regretting a certain action drives the decision making process more than the desire to maximize utility.

I think this human behaviour applies to me. For me the emotional experience of regret is very unpleasant. It is especially so if it involves a sense of responsibility. So for example, the sense of regret and self blame for giving wrong advice to my husband on an investment seems to be edged in my memory perpetually, resulting in fear and wariness when deciding on further similar investments.

Likewise when choosing between say a branded product versus one which is cheaper, the potential of self blame in "I should have known better" ( should the cheaper product turns out inferior) usually deters me from trying out the new product.

Studies have also found that an undesirable outcome can be experienced with different levels of painful regret depending on how easy it is to imagine that things might have turned out differently. So if I missed a bus by 1 minute I would have bashed myself more for not walking a bit faster versus if I missed it by 10 minutes.

Ultimately self blame and an overly strong sense of responsibility leading to fear of regret may deter ourselves from choices which could lead to substantial gain.

As Rafael Nadal once said "Losing is not my enemy...fear of losing is my enemy"

The Art of Giving

I purchased a pot of peach blossom for CNY at a nursery. The lady proprietor quoted $38 and I asked for a discount. The lowest price she said she could sell was $35. I told her I'd pay $36 as it's a more auspicious number unless she didn't mind $33. She frowned but when she gave me the change for $50 I got $17 back.

This has been what I observed for quite a long while. When you give in a bit you receive more in return. It could be that people feel it's an obligation they have to repay.

After I quit my former finance job I pursued a Master in Counselling which required me to chalk up certain practicum hours in one-to-one counselling before I could pass out. I managed to intern at a family service center. However I needed to do administrative and reporting work as an intern, the hours of which were not counted as practicum hours. Some days I was given one counselling session with a client, some days none. I was also roped in to do survey work. In fact I had to find other sources to achieve my practicum hours. At the end of the internship however they offered me a job and when I declined the full time work the director recommended me for a part time school counselling job. Again I feel it was like an obligation on her part to pay me back for the hours I put in.

Nothing however can match what I receive from the voluntary sandplay session I offer the children at the children's home. Once I was having a session with a boy when we were suddenly disturbed by sounds of screaming and wailing piercing through the room. The boy's demeanor changed and he looked instantly disturbed. I asked what could be the matter. He told me it was his sister crying and she was quite likely being bullied. The social worker later told me that the boy had begged her to send his sister home so she won't be bullied. He could stay put in the home if their parents couldn't afford to have both of them back. So last week I asked for special permission to have a sandplay session with the sister who is 6 years old. The intensity she engaged with the play pulled my heartstrings.  I offered her a reassuring presence and tried my best to create a an enveloping atmosphere of safety and care.

Why I say I receive much more is this indescribable feeling you walk away with. When you show a child you care and you could tell from their response they felt it, the inner peace/content or perhaps the quiet joy is such a blessed gift you receive in return. Simply put you are happy because you make somebody happy.

So if giving something tangible can be like an investment yielding returns (sometimes playing on human psychology), giving from the heart yields much much more for your heart.

"The heart that gives, gathers"- Tao Te Ching

Ceasing to understand the times in which we live

I can relate to what Norman Fischer, Zen Buddhist priest, said at the Stanford graduation ceremony 2014:
We older people don't really know what the world will require in the coming times – and we are a bit bewildered, and unsure, though we hate to admit it. To grow old is to gradually cease to understand the times in which you live. "

Yes so true. Each day as the world news whirls around me I feel more and more resigned to not getting a grasp of the logic, the rationale or some world order which gives meaning to the events which unfold. I used to believe the only way to figure out is to read and gather as much information so to get a glimpse of some grand plan. If I am confused it must be due to the lack of adequate knowledge. Many believe that the only way to be safe is through "thinking to death".

As I grow older I become not only more resigned but more willing to let go and accept the inability to understand "the times in which we live". Buddha has once advised against spending time thinking about the 4 imponderables, 2 of which are the origin of the world (metaphysics) and the precise working of karma.

Watching a documentary on BBC Earth which traces the history of China from 2000BC with the rise and fall of empires and endless warfare, reminded me there were countless periods in history when people must have also felt they "ceased to understand the times in which they live".

Instead directing the focus on living in the present moment with as much love, compassion and good intention that we can manage as a human being would be more promising than "thinking to death".

Peace-
"It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble and hard work. It means to be in a place with those things and still to be calm in your heart."

Spring cleaning and impermanence

Nothing reminds you of impermanence more than when you are spring cleaning, especially if you don't do  it regularly enough. So today I was on a rampage of throwing unwanted stuff at home and it was like rummaging through a time capsule. Boxes of floppy disk, Nokia phone chargers and Kodak films had to be tossed into the trash bag. The fact that at their purchase the buyer could not envisage their imminent obsolescence was symptomatic of the speed of change. The instruction manuals traced the progression from desk tops to laptop, from VHS to laser disk to CD and to DVD players.  Dictionaries are retained more for sentimental reasons than for actual usage. A whole set of health encyclopedia went to the karang guni man. It didn't seem so long ago that they were often referred to whenever someone in the family was unwell. Who now carries a bulky copy of these when a touch on the iphone answers all you need to know.

The accolades in the form of trophies, certificates and medals reminded of moments of pride and glory but at the same time how no one remembers them now, not even yourself. A letter dropping out of a well loved book marked how friendship once so strong was lost forever. You see that stack of diaries and know they harbor tears as well as eclipses of joy and love; and yet they too have vanished in smoke. 

Needless to say the photo of my mother's baptism (when she became a Catholic at  70+) and where in the photo 2 loved ones have now passed on struck me vividly the impermanence of all things, all things.