My brother left in a jiff

My younger brother left in a jiff, yes he left us just like that, I mean he passed away so quickly, in just over a month after they found his primary cancer (which was supposedly well rid off) had spread to other organs. What I really mean is he just like walked out of this world into who knows where.

(To my friends reading this, I am ok , no worries, no need to contact me) I just need to vent it out somewhere. You see thoughts and feelings at this stage seem so scattered. So I shall just describe my behaviour, feelings and thoughts just like when they suddenly creep up out of nowhere. They include:

-Sighing often and involuntarily
-Muttering to myself out of the blue in the middle of some chores "Can you believe it, he is not around anymore?"
-Recollecting, "Wah just last Tues he was doing this and that, 2 Thurs ago we were just talking about this and that, just this CNY we were playing mahjong etc etc
-"If only we had done this and that maybe he would live longer bla bla bla"
-"Hey this bird in my garden, never seen such bird before, can it be him?"
-Impatient and short fused with people around you- "why are people so freaking stupid, so inefficient?etc etc"
- Heart suddenly feels so heavy, then it goes away, then out of nowhere heavy again
-"Gosh this pain in my lower jaw, is it something sinister to worry about?"
-"Hey where are you ah?" and then realising with a bang there is really an impregnable divide between the 2 realms

Yes as any counselling book will tell you the above is the grief process, denial, anger, sadness before acceptance


Oh by the way I find the best way to distract your mind is number 1 gardening and number 2 counting money, yes updating your asset portfolio, no joke very therapeutic.

Oh just a day or 2 before his death, I came across a moth in the kitchen which gave me a shock. After he passed away, I found the moth dead on the floor.

My brother was a man of great humour. My last conversation with him before he was suddenly hooked up with tubes and devices, was when he teased me about my bossy behaviour being the reason for the hospital not letting me in during non visiting hours.

Also when I was with him during the last 2 weeks before he passed on, he kept telling me my car is so ugly and that I should buy a better car. Co incidentally for the first 4D draw after his funeral my car number came out first prize ibet. Of course I didn't bet but that's the joke you see, he knows I don't bet. It's just his way of bidding farewell as usual teasing me.

I told my sister in-law I feel comforted that he is still in a light and jest like mood.

"Yes, He'll be fine" I told her.