My brother left in a jiff

My younger brother left in a jiff, yes he left us just like that, I mean he passed away so quickly, in just over a month after they found his primary cancer (which was supposedly well rid off) had spread to other organs. What I really mean is he just like walked out of this world into who knows where.

(To my friends reading this, I am ok , no worries, no need to contact me) I just need to vent it out somewhere. You see thoughts and feelings at this stage seem so scattered. So I shall just describe my behaviour, feelings and thoughts just like when they suddenly creep up out of nowhere. They include:

-Sighing often and involuntarily
-Muttering to myself out of the blue in the middle of some chores "Can you believe it, he is not around anymore?"
-Recollecting, "Wah just last Tues he was doing this and that, 2 Thurs ago we were just talking about this and that, just this CNY we were playing mahjong etc etc
-"If only we had done this and that maybe he would live longer bla bla bla"
-"Hey this bird in my garden, never seen such bird before, can it be him?"
-Impatient and short fused with people around you- "why are people so freaking stupid, so inefficient?etc etc"
- Heart suddenly feels so heavy, then it goes away, then out of nowhere heavy again
-"Gosh this pain in my lower jaw, is it something sinister to worry about?"
-"Hey where are you ah?" and then realising with a bang there is really an impregnable divide between the 2 realms

Yes as any counselling book will tell you the above is the grief process, denial, anger, sadness before acceptance


Oh by the way I find the best way to distract your mind is number 1 gardening and number 2 counting money, yes updating your asset portfolio, no joke very therapeutic.

Oh just a day or 2 before his death, I came across a moth in the kitchen which gave me a shock. After he passed away, I found the moth dead on the floor.

My brother was a man of great humour. My last conversation with him before he was suddenly hooked up with tubes and devices, was when he teased me about my bossy behaviour being the reason for the hospital not letting me in during non visiting hours.

Also when I was with him during the last 2 weeks before he passed on, he kept telling me my car is so ugly and that I should buy a better car. Co incidentally for the first 4D draw after his funeral my car number came out first prize ibet. Of course I didn't bet but that's the joke you see, he knows I don't bet. It's just his way of bidding farewell as usual teasing me.

I told my sister in-law I feel comforted that he is still in a light and jest like mood.

"Yes, He'll be fine" I told her.

How long can this go on?

Almost a year ago on 29 April 2015 I blogged about my intuition of an impending black swan event. I ended my blog with these words:
"My intuitive feel of a black swan is a revolutionary change in the social and value system that will address the great divide between the rich and the deprived and mend fragmented societies. I have a feeling it may give rise to a new era, although in what exact form I do not know, but it may be something like the Renaissance that came after the Dark Ages. Perhaps our children will see this awakening".
In the same blog I also had this comment: " The world can not go on depleting the earth's resources just to get satisfaction in possessing that additional consumer product. Maybe the next generation will awaken to this predicament and bring about revolutionary changes to the world's spending habits".

These thoughts recently resurfaced when Bob Geldof, the Irish humanitarian and music veteran delivered a talk in Singapore. He said  " We live, bizarrely, in a world of surplus and yet, people die of want. That is economically ridiculous. It is intellectually absurd and it is morally repulsive." He went on to add "We need to have different models. We can still make money, that's not a problem, but having reduced the idea of human progress to the economic model of growth, we are now just using growth as a euphemism for more of everything".

I am not a deep thinker but am always baffled by this economic model called growth which seems so crucial for employment and the so called well being of the world citizens. Yet it comes at the expense of depleting the earth's resources through fueling the insatiable needs for consumerism. If people stop spending, there will be over capacities, less consumer goods will be needed, production is cut back and people will be thrown out of job. What then is the model that can give people jobs to sustain their livelihood but not through quenching material needs of the world citizens? Already the world over will be facing structural unemployment when jobs creation lags behind technology advancement.

Perhaps a model may emerge focusing on enriching lives though creative and inner pursuits, stepping away from hedonism. If material pursuits is reduced people can afford to work less hours which means jobs can be shared resulting in less unemployment. People will have more time to pursue other creative and enriching activities. Hmm.....sounds too much of an utopia in this world of insatiable desire to spend? Yet we must always remember what we are actually doing as per the famous quote:

 “spending money you don’t have for things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like.”

How long can this go on?

Squabbling siblings

I am not here to debate whether the commemoration of LKY on the first anniversary of his death is appropriate or tantamount to hero worship or an intention to propagate a dynasty as declared by Lee Wei Ling. What stumped me is the inability to resolve differences in opinion within the walls of the home of our nation's first family. Never mind how the father would have winced at an image created out of thousands of erasers by school kids. What would really have saddened the father would be the public lashing of the brother by the sister. Gosh this is the first family of the nation and you would have thought that decorum would be of highest order. I have always followed LWL's column admiring how she always holds fast to her principles, her determination and grit (albeit tainted with streaks of stubbornness) and her kindness at heart.  Now I wonder whether age has caught up with her such that her rational mind may be impaired by her deep desire for so called truth and honesty. Does she not see how this public dispute would have affected her dad? LSL could well have find her a painful sibling.

But don't we all have so called 'painful' siblings. I am quite sure my siblings find me painful at times bossing around nagging at them etc. Those people who have siblings with the same temperament, same religious beliefs, same values, same pursuits in life and who are like their best friends are really lucky. Yet as my sister-in-law teaches her children "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family", we have to love our siblings no matter what. For they are the very people whom we grow up with in the same household through thick and thin. Perhaps it is precisely this underlying love that could have caused distress in some families because people expect more from their family members than from friends. Hence differences amongst family members is seemingly more pronounced. Furthermore when siblings age together, irrational or weird behaviour will increasingly surface making things more tricky haha.

Anyhow even first families are human by nature underlying the fact that family squabbles are inevitable. The dust will always settle somehow.

Bigger fool "suffering no lesser fools"

Our preconceived ideas about a person often block our objectivity and we view his/her actions and words with a filter, tainting their true meaning. But my question is how much chance do we give the person before we find ourselves back to wearing the same filter ?

I had an exchange with someone yesterday and bull dozed my way insisting I was right. In my opinion this person always views the world through a narrow frame. Later on when skyping with my daughter I brought up the same topic but did not let her know that I had cross words with another person on this subject. When my daughter cautioned my approach on the topic as not totally sound I was all ears, listening intently on her counter argument and reasoning. (One thing I am secretly proud of is my children's more in-depth analytical ability than mine maybe because they are more well read). After hearing her I realized I didn't even give that person a chance to develop his argument. Now I wished I had not cut him short and had let him develop his case. Now I find myself curious to know where he is coming from and wanting to hear yet another opinion about this topic which I was so confident of. I guess I need to swallow my pride to approach him.

With this episode I start to wonder why I often lack the patience to hear people out, especially those whom I have branded as "clueless". How ah? How to correct this type of arrogance and "suffer no fools" attitude? Does it require many encounters of discovering I am actually the bigger fool "suffering no lesser fools" to correct this behaviour? OK at least I am aware of my shortcoming which may be a good start. Patience is another virtue I need to develop. I have to constantly remind myself that golden words do follow ramblings. If golden words are not forthcoming I then have to check whether I was listening correctly with an unfiltered mind. Lastly if ramblings continue I perhaps have to psycho myself "Better luck next time!"

Oh but how many next times? (still the arrogance...sigh)

(Oh what a co-incidence! It was April's fool day yesterday!)