Expectations

An article in today's Mind and Body mentioned a couple when asked the secret of their 35 years happy marriage  replied "Low expectation". Indeed lowering one's expectation in life seems to be the formula for a happier state of mind.

Now some surveys have shown that Singaporeans are quite an unhappy and dissatisfied lot despite all the basics like housing and medical care being well provided relative to any other country. It strikes me that the cause may lie in the very essence of its success and written in our national pledge "so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation". It has been ingrained in us the dire need to be competitive, to be better than most and to be almost flawless to survive given our lack of resources in the global arena. It's not a bad thing, this mentality, for it has catapulted us to a living standard beyond the previous generation's imagination and to an almost flawless state run organisation. However there may also be some unwholesome psychological and social by-products. We expect high standards of everything almost to a point of frenzy, we are fearful of not being better than others, and most important we are puzzled why happiness is missing in the same platter that served prosperity and progress. In short we can not take shortcomings in our stride including the very fact that life is never perfect. In addition the Millennial generation was  also brought up to believe they can always achieve anything that they set their mind on and very often that's almost everything. In itself aiming high is not bad but when carried too far without doses of reality it is dangerously unhealthy.

Nevertheless as we mellow with age we will learn through the hard way to live and let live, especially with things beyond our control. I also believe that Gen Y will acquire great wisdom along the way (albeit the painful way) and eventually develop a healthy wholesome outlook surpassing that of their parents, and in the process realising that some of their wild ambitions are delusional.

As the following quote will remind us:
 "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you have decided to look beyond imperfections",
we will sing along with the Beatles : 'Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be'

Mother of Universe

I had a challenging client yesterday morning.. When I went to the Home for my first session with this girl, she was nowhere to be found. They had to track her down. When she entered the room she just plonked herself angrily on the chair, staring into space, seemingly oblivious to the vast collection of colourful symbols, figurines and little toys displayed on the table in front of her. I remarked softly that she seemed to be a bit upset and that it was ok for her to sit there as long as she wanted. I sat a metre away to gave her space. Awhile later I drew my seat a bit closer but remained quiet. I was reminded of Robin William in "Goodwill Hunting" and psycho myself that it was ok to sit with the client without uttering a single word for the whole session.

We sat there in silence and through the glass doors stared at the heavy rain beating onto the floor of the basket ball court outside. It was a gray and wet morning somehow befitting the mood of the teenage girl whose face gradually looked more sad than angry. "Being there for the client" I experienced this at another level yesterday.

Gradually she gingerly poked one finger into the sand tray, drawing patterns on the surface with it. With a bit of prompting she progressed to engaging a hand and then both hands. There is something about the texture of sand that draws people in once they touch it. From then on it was a lot of feeling, lifting, sprinkling, scooping, sculpting and shuffling with both hands. Younger kids sometimes tell you straight in the face that they love the sand or they want to eat it or they want to step into the tray and bury their whole body in it. Perhaps it is some form of tactile connection with nature or earth or perhaps it is like letting go and trusting Mother Universe to take us into her charge when we are lost. Almost inevitably there will be some ease and some relief.The girl went on to select a few symbols to place in the sand, all rather reflective of her inner issues.

I walked out that morning with ease and quiet peace because the picture of her last tray bears much hope despite the hurt reflected in the interim trays. The last tray was that of levelled sand adorned with a myriad of colorful marbles and topped with a glass prism. When reviewing a Sandpicture there is a checklist to guide therapists. Under a sub heading called 'Therapist's feeling response" is one which prompts the therapist to recall any image emerging in his or her mind.

For me the last tray was like a universe of planets and stars. It lifted me and I hope  her too.

Early retirement?

25 responses were published yesterday in response to Straits Times' question 'At what age do you wish to retire, and why?'

I did a brief summary of them. Out of the 25 replies, 7 or 35% targeted 60 as the age they want to retire. At the same time another 7 do not wish to retire at all ie. preferring to work as long as health permits albeit at a slower pace when age catches up. 2 remark that a person should look for a job which one is passionate about so that it does not seem like work quoting Confucius "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." At the other extreme 3 out of 25 want to call it a day at 45 so that they can travel and indulge in their hobbies. To complete the statistical count, another 3 wish to retire at 50, 2 at 55 and 1 at 65. It seem that 60 is the most desired retirement age with a minority targeting to retire younger.

Amongst the reasons for wanting to retire, the most often quoted is the longing to travel, followed by the wish to spend more time with family and the urge to do community or volunteer work. The wish to continue working on the other hand is supported by the need to be socially engaged, to stay relevant, to keep the mind and body alert and to impart their know how.

Placing myself against the above sampling, I belong to the minority having retired below 55. There were more push factors than pull factors in my case. The benefits of early retirement are indeed as described by these people; more frequent travel and more importantly travel without a worried work- burdened mind, certainly more time with family (including extended family) and of course more time for volunteer work.

On the flip side of the coin, although I went on to pursue some studies, I must admit that only a demanding job can keep the mind really rigorous and alert. Even ST journalist Dennis Chan had to admit in today's Sunday Times that nearing 50 he is now no longer so presumptuous as before that his cognitive faculties will forever prevent him from falling prey to swindlers out to cheat old folks of their money. I think the surest way to keep the brain cells active is  having to solve daily work problems. Just a stormy weather forecast from your boss' secretary will keep your brain juice churning summoning all your EQs and IQs  on how best to avoid being caught in the storm. On the other hand one must of course be aware there is a wealth of data to show that stress is harmful to the brains.

At the end of the day I will still opt to enjoy the benefits of retirement, forgo the stress and just find happier ways to stimulate the mind. My only challenge is disciplining myself to engage in daily  activities that keep the brain juice churning and minimise  lazy hobbies like watching TV dramas.

Musical Evening

Reluctantly I accepted 2 tickets from my sister for the Harmonica nite. She performed in 3 items including the first. During the first piece when certain high notes almost pierced my ear drums I whispered to my husband that I have never liked harmonica music and I needed to brace myself for a tough evening. I was even contemplating an excuse to leave after the break if I could meet her during the interval. As the majority of the performers were senior citizens, the audience also comprised largely of middle aged and senior citizens with some grandchildren in the crowd.

Surprisingly as the evening progressed the expected boredom that I perceived turned to light merriment. In fact I must say my husband who grew up listening to folk/old songs over Chinese radio stations seemed to be enjoying himself. What a far cry from the deadpan look and steady stream of yawns during Western concerts which I used to drag him along in a blue blue moon. To be fair to my initial misjudgement , the first item had the disadvantage of teething mike adjustments and my sister's group was relatively amateurish. As better trained and more experienced harmonica players took the stage, some good pieces were show cased. A more youngish group put up a remarkable composition of  斗牛士进行曲 (les toreadors) and other popular western classical favourites. What was more unexpected was the spontaneity of the audience. All the 'uncles', 'aunties', grandpa and grandma clapped along when told to do so. I also found myself singing along with many others when even my sister's amateur group struggled to keep the right tempo whilst playing TV themes and karaoke favourites like 万水千山总是情  and 越来香.

One item which left an impression on me was a rock and roll piece performed by a male soloist in his early forties. It was not perfect harmonica music but it was his total enjoyment delivering it accompanied by his own choreographed movements, the authentic joy exuding from his whole embodiment that led to a roar of applause from the audience. The guy's 2 young daughters were excitedly taking snapshots of him downstage, what a gift from dad.

He expressed the joy in music and I was reminded of it and wondered why I had abandoned it. Andrew Lloyd Webber was once my favourite and I often remarked to my children "What would the world be without Andrew Lloyd Webber!".  I used to love singing, was in a choir once, had the dvd player on whilst bathing or sang in the bathroom. Somehow along the way everything stopped beginning when the nature of my career took a very busy turn. Inexplicably the pleasure of music just floated away in thin air.

The evening ended when the combined groups, for encore played 高山青 to the delight of the audience who spontaneously sang along in great merriment. Think again if you think our generation and that before us are not sporting at performances!

Yesterday I was reminded "What would the world be without music"