Connection through listening

At the start of each meditation session, our teacher will say a few phrases in Chinese to the effect that "Thoughts are related to or can not depart from (离不开) the past, the future and the present. Thoughts are just thoughts. When thoughts come to your mind, just lightly blink your eyes and drop them." We are then told to focus on our breadth feeling the air in and out of the nostrils touching the upper lips. When aware that thoughts arise and having noticed them, gently drop them and refocus on our breadth.

For me, the start of the session is usually fine. Somewhere in the middle I can be lost in thoughts even though I am still feeling the breadth. I will then go on a rendezvous before finally become aware again of the drifting mind.

Of late I gather from another source that when the mind keeps on drifting during meditation, one can try listening to surrounding sounds intently to achieve mindfulness before reverting back to the breadth or whatever point of focus. So I tried it. The host of multiple sounds in any one short duration was amazing. First there was the whirling fan and the tickling clock in my house. I could identify not less than 5 types of birds calling, some from the trees and poles nearby and others somewhere in the distance. A car, a truck, a motorcycle passed my house. I could hear the backdoor of my neighbour being closed. Some faint drilling sound floated in. Footsteps and people's banter passed my front gate. A far away child's high pitched short cry was matched by a single pounding from a distant construction site. The quiet stretching of my cat brings me home again.

Suddenly I feel me, my cat, the birds, my neighbour's maid, the passers by, the child and the one who drills, the one who pounds, the one who drives the car, the truck, the motorcyclist and in fact all the birds, all my neighbours, all the workers in the construction site and all the people in the vicinity are "engaged" simultaneously in the world.

A strange but somewhat good feeling. Is this what they call being connected?

A daily reminder

"Huh? Certainly not" was my answer to my daughter's question whether I was afraid of getting old. Other than the monthly facial therapy, I do not spend much money trying to retard the aging process, not even on food supplements. I am certainly no ageist, so I thought. Well, not until I applied for the senior citizen concessionary card.

One can apply for this card online through the Transit Link website. After you have input your particulars, scan your IC and upload your digital photo, and key "next", a preview of the concessionary card complete with your name, IC No. and photo appears. The words "Senior Citizen" printed boldly at the bottom of the card stared starkly into my face. "Gosh I am now a Senior Citizen" I exclaimed and started laughing. My daughter who was nearby remarked that my laughter seemed nervous. It was more of unpreparedness than nervousness, I guess.

A couple of days later after my annual bone density scan, the doctor suggested medication to stagnate the deterioration in my bone density. He reminded me of my age and its associated risks. Looks like  crossing over to the age with a '6' prefix is quite significant in the eyes of many.

True to form nervousness did arise after reading an extract from "At Home in the Universe" forwarded by a friend. Describing the concept of Karma the text suggests that 'the thoughts, feelings and deeds of one life- our relationships to other people, events and surroundings in this life -determine the talents, dispositions, places, and whom and what we meet in the next'. It dawns on me that if it is true, I have (upon reaching 60) precious little time to rectify any unskillful habits of thoughts and feelings plaguing my entire life so far; just so that they would not be carried forward to the next. Do I want to plague my next life with negativity and anxieties for example? If I desire a happier disposition then I have to start cultivating a healthier frame of mind with urgency. It reminds me to take care of whatever remains of ME and whatever I wish and admire in a person, I should start working on it.

In the photo memoir which my daughter presented me as a birthday gift was a picture of me sorting out the little figurines I used for sandplay therapy with the caption "It's never too late to change course or go after a dream". This shall be my daily reminder.

Taken off the Shelf

Recently there is a huge controversy over 3 children's books being taken off the shelves by our library following complaints raised by certain people that the books have same sex partners in their story. The National Library withdrew the books citing their 'pro-family' policy.

Now I recall during one of my story telling session reading a children book picked up from the library about a little girl preparing for a school project with the help of mum and her female friend who stays with them. There wasn't a father in the story. Halfway through the story I instinctively could feel the dynamics and was glad no parents rolled their eyes. Thinking about it now, is it really not appropriate for children to be exposed to the real world where some families consist of single parents and sometimes mum or dad has a good friend who stays in to help out? I am not sure how explicit the 3 hotly debated books are about same sex partners but in this one which I read it is really subtle and may not even have such implications depending on how one reads it. If children are too sheltered and unexposed will they become unsympathetic and prejudiced against peers from less than so called 'normal' families.

Another thought came to my mind. Often whilst choosing books for story telling, I come across many Children books with Christian settings and have to give them a miss respecting the varied religious background of the audience. Apart from the actual Bible stories, there are also many children books with Christmas and Easter as the backdrop. It is a marvel that nobody complains that the library is trying to convert our children into Christians with the disproportionately large collection of children books with Christian orientation. Indeed I have told a very touching story taken from a library book about a troll who plucked up enough courage to knock on the window of the village church whilst the villagers were having a service on Christmas Day. I remember how quiet and anxious the children looked as I narrated with exaggerated drama the troll's fears and how their faces subsequently lightened up when the villagers in the story embraced the troll.

Yes, this story irrespective of culture and religious orientation instills the virtue of acceptance, where humans being humans accept even a troll as one of them. Fortunately no one has asked this book to be taken off the shelf.

Out shopping

I told myself to pamper 'ME', go shopping and get something I really like, no budget constraint. So I did but nothing really excites me. Gosh isn't it scary? You walk the stores and nothing interests you, passionless. I thought of commenting on my niece's facebook "Lust for your branded bag. Enjoy your passion as long as it lasts".

Fortunately with further probing I know I still enjoy an aromatic massage; and yes little toy figurines still put a smile on my face (supposedly for my sandplay therapy but has developed partially into a hobby collecting them).

Well it's not every approaching birthday that stirs reflection, but certainly those that ends with the big zeros. If 30 marks the last of youth, what marks twice of that? So I go back to this book "The Veiled Pulse of Time" by William Bryant, recommended by our lecturer during the Holistic Counselling Course. The book describes life cycles, the 7, 12 and 30 year cycles. A few statements strike me.

Describing the 7 year phase between 56 to 63, there is this statement I can relate to, "We are not so easily fooled into believing that every problem has a fixed and instant answer". Yes, I think eventually everyone will learn this through the hard way. We will also experience each problem as a "process" "working itself out" and that ultimately every one has his or her own pilgrimage to follow.

About this cycle Byrant also says sickness, bereavement and loneliness are typically challenges which "demand a response from the soul" and "The last great victory is their endurance".  I like this because too often we view and expect ourselves sailing into the sunset being influenced by such silly cliches. So when such things happen we are resistant and angry, we thought it only happens to others. This is something I must remind myself constantly, to be mentally prepared. As Byrant further remarks "Aging helps us to sense that our biography is an inner journey through the outer world".


Maybe because of all these reflections I had a strange dream yesterday. Someone had prepared the dough for a cake but the oven was spoilt. I told him I will try to use the last remnants of my charm to persuade some chef in a restaurant to make use of his oven. Now the cake in the dream is just an association and shouldn't be of much significance (because lots of cake references lately). The idea behind is really something that must be brought to fruition, that must be baked, the last and most important step, and I need to use whatever remaining wit and charm.

Ah if only wisdom can be bought!