Get Real on Mother's Day

Many many years ago I went to a hawker centre for lunch with 2 colleagues. It was packed and with permission we joined a lady (maybe in her mid 30s) seated with 2 young kids at her table. Her food came before ours, a bowl of noodle which the 2 kids shared. That was all. Our food came and we ate in silence whilst aware that she was watching the children eat. When they left we shared our common impression that she could only afford one bowl of noodle. Actually I was quite sure all of us had thought of offering to buy food for them but were wary that we either misinterpreted the situation or would hurt the lady's pride. On this Mother's Day I wish this mum and her 2 by-now grown up daughters well and happy together. If buying mum a good dinner seems like loads of 'crab' conjured out of retailers' greed, for this family at least it would be very meaningful.

I also hope that the lady, though remembering her sacrifices, would be content with her children however they have become. So very often we are disappointed when our children fall short of our expectation because they foil our effort in proving to ourselves and the world that we have been good parents and that we have done things correctly; successful parenting that is. 

Taken in by ST writer Cheong Suk Wai's 'must read' recommendation of "Far from the Tree" by Andrew Solomon, I borrowed a copy from the Library. In her article, CSW quoted Andrew Solomon's remark "Centuries of linear thinking have conditioned people to see children who conforms to society's norms as good apples and those who do not, or most often cannot, as bad ones". The book describes the experiences of parents who have to accept their children for what they are, their disabilities and differences from the norm.

In the first chapter entitled "Son" the author quoted the words of an intersex autistic person which I found very poignant. "When parents say, ' I wish my child did not have autism,' what they're really saying is, 'I wish the autistic child I have did not exist, and I had a different (non-autistic) child instead......This is what we hear when you pray for a cure. This is what we know, when you tell us of your fondest hopes and dreams for us: that your greatest wish is that one day we will cease to be, and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces'

The author, himself a transgender described his feelings " My mother didn't want me to be gay because she thought it wouldn't be the happiest course for me, but equally, she didn't like the image of herself as the mother of a gay son. The problem wasn't that she wanted to control my life-although she did; like most parents she genuinely believe that her way of being happy was the best way of being happy. The problem was that she wanted to control her life, and it was her life as the mother of a homosexual that she wished to alter. Unfortunately, there was no way for her to fix her problem without involving me."

Therein lies the dilemma of being a parent, to what extent do we accept our children for what they are and how much effort should we take to help them be 'better' persons without the pitfall of trying to fix "our own problem".

We have to 'Get Real'