Mother's Day

When my daughter asked me what gift I fancied for Mother's Day, I told her I want an all year round present instead of a one-off thingy on the one-day thingy of the year. I want her to co-operate to keep her room neater to save my frustration everytime I clean it. She thought it was too much to ask for and settled with a dinner.

Ever since my mum passed away my side of the family has not celebrated Mother's Day jointly. My husband's family still continues with the tradition of dining together, usually a week earlier or later to beat the crowd. I used to crack my head to buy my mother-in-law a present until I ran out of ideas and stopped. This one-day thingy when everyone tries to make the mothers in the family happy has become a tradition to the delight of restaurants, spas, hotels etc. Other than it being too commercialised it is quite useful in that it reminds people to reflect on their relationship with their parents and their children. So the newspaper without fail carries tributes from readers. This year the journalist who writes about her mum makes you feel she was tasked to do so this year ie. its her turn. She rambles irrelevantly about her mum's growing up years and talks mundanely about mum being very liberal in bringing up children, respecting their choices and decisions etc. It is not an interesting article, not really worth reading in short.

On second thought however, maybe it is her hidden intention to say "Hey, what is this hoohah all about?" Perhaps there is really nothing very interesting to relate or nothing to be emotional about. Then again maybe there is stuff which is not appropriate to talk about and since she has to be positive the list is short!. If you think about it, you only appreciate your mum more or understands her feelings better when you become a mum/parent yourself.

My own relationship with my mother was a  love/blame/guilt/regret/gratitude mixed pot of feelings. From the time I was an adolescent beginning to read psychoanalytical stuff to understand the root of my insecurities, I have acquired the blaming attitude, possibly as a defensive mechanism, defending my inability to overcome my weaknesses. Gratitude was not so prominent in those early years even though acts of filial piety predominated out of cultural upbringing. Love and blame rolled along throughout the years, love when you ran "home" to her through all the ups and downs in adult life; blame when you fought the inner battle of anxieties and despondencies. In later years after becoming a mother and as your children grew from babies to children to adolescents, gratitude towards your mum surfaced and grew deeper. It dawned on you perhaps for the first time where she was coming from, why she felt the way she felt, why the advice which seemed so jaded was after all relevant and how you could have hurt her feelings. You began to recall snipets of advice and long forgotten conversation flashed back. That was when the regret and guilt set in. Appreciation and regret mingled when you marveled at the never ending care and concern which now extended to your spouse and children, and regret tormented when you realised too late you should have given more of your time and care. Despite this "awakening" the blame still lurked like a haunting ghost. In recent years however when you reflect upon the impact your behaviour, values and weaknesses impact your own children's character and values, you begin to develop empathy for your mother and this "blaming" ghost begins to diminish. You now understand it is never easy to be a mother; for loving your children alone is not enough and wisdom (which god knows where you can acquire from) is ever ever so important.
Very so often these wisdom came a bit too late.