Knowing Yourself

If you really want to understand yourself better, try sitting down to recall, deeply ponder and answer comprehensively the following 5 questions suggested by the author of the book "Sacred Selfishness" (by Bud Harris):

1) Which emotions were you raised to think were good and bad?

2) Which behaviour, values and appearances were rewarded or discouraged?

3) What did you learn your self esteem depend on?

4) Did you learn the world was a supportive or hostile place?

5) Do you believe people are basically generous or out for themselves?

Take the first question. An example of what may be considered as a "bad" feeling in many families is anger. So kids brought up in such families may learn to hide/suppress their anger. In another extreme example a child caught laughing or being happy may be considered as selfish or unfilial by parents who think their children should share their misery in marital or financial woes. A child then grows up thinking the world is a sad place or it is safer to be or look moody.

About behaviour and values it is quite obvious that good education, hardwork, responsibility, accomplishment are valued in most Asian families. Risk taking may be frowned upon. Keeping up appearances even when things are not going right may also be important in some families. I am wondering whether these values which we imbued on the younger generation have a part to play on yesterday's report in the papers about Singaporeans facing extinction. Apparently we have the lowest fertility rate in the world. The drive to be successful and accomplished has sidelined the need to have a family as the later is viewed as an impediment to the former.

Attributes of self esteem (3rd question) is heavily influenced by the family and social systems too. So some people are moulded such that their self esteem depends on external sources like body image, academic performance, status/wealth or approval/admiration from others. In other systems self esteem may be based on certain values like being morally upright, being spiritual or having certain character traits.

The family system, school environment and community behaviour help shape one's beliefs and answers to the last 2 questions. An environment where a lot of bullying happens or where the weak and the less privileged are viewed and treated condescendingly, a child grows up believing the world is hostile and unforgiving. They may also believe themselves as inferior or undeserving if they belong to the less privileged group.

If you do spend some time carefully answering the 5 questions and then reflecting upon them you will be able to uncover some of the driving forces in your life and how you are wired up. With deeper contemplation you may also realise the shadows which you suppressed or deny about yourself. Using myself as an example, I recalled that being useful right from early childhood ie. helping out as much as possible in the family business would win some affection or praises in a large family when one could easily feel ignored. This "utilitarian" quality dominates my life to an extent that makes me feel guilty if I have too much of fun loving activities. Also, I am not shy to admit that my irritation and disapproval of certain weakness in certain people whom I strongly dislike actually boils down to my strife to hide and deny that very trait in myself.

Well, this is just one small aspect. You can discover loads more about yourself if you do not mind spending time to know yourself.