I woke up this morning with a start, seized by unexplained anxiety. My cognitive mind searched for the trigger, the reasons and finding none rebuked myself for my neurosis. Yet this has been one of my underlying templates, an unconscious mode which rears it head from time to time and which I have tried so hard to suppress.
Unexplained anxieties or overblown worries may have various origins.
I recall the words of Mark Pearson, author of the book Sandplay and Symbol work:
"The impact of traumatic events can build up in the unconscious from as far back as our time in the womb. When there is a protective shut-down of feelings the unconscious material can have a pervasive negative and limiting effect on the psyche".
Another explanation is of course biological. Neurotransmitters are the chemicals which allow the transmission of signals from one neuron to the next across synapses in our brain. For example the neurotransmitter gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) is involved in relaxation and imbalances may cause anxiety dosorders.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), a commonly used counselling strategy, calls upon our cognitive reasoning to challenge misbeliefs and reframe thinking. However in situations where misbeliefs or triggers are not consciously apparent, the unconscious fears have to be expressed through some form of emotional release techniques in place of talk therapy. Art therapy is one such example. Relaxation techniques including meditation is known to be helpful too. Research has in fact discovered that specific areas of the brain that regulates emotion and pain are significantly thicker in meditators than non meditators. One of the most popular areas of research in psychology these days is neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to restructure itself after training or practice. A discovery by researchers at the Brain Mind Institute of the EPFL (Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne) shows that the brain rewires itself following an experience. Neurons fire together wire together, that means if one practices to be in a certain state of mind (being calm for example); the construct of the brain is gradually altered which in turn renders the person's state of mind to be more calm. I believe the reverse is applicable too, which means if one stresses the brains constantly the wired neurons will further reinforce the stressful state of mind.
Fortunately for all of us it is found that the brains is really quite plastic, meaning it is quite easy for the neurons to rewire or reprogram. Given this wonderful discovery we should aim to put ourselves in the desired state with whatever technique suitable. For myself I find that when I practise Chinese calligraphy I have to still my mind and really concentrate. As I proceed and about half an hour into it my mind begins to feel at ease and enjoy the moment. Next year I intend to embark on meditation class. Hopefully I can rewire my neurons so that they become less of an anxious mess.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Her Heavy Shoulders
On Friday whilst selecting children books for display at my storytelling session in the library, I chanced upon my student counselee. He was very excited for me to meet his grandmother. So I invited grandma and her 3 grandchildren to attend my storytelling session. After the session we chatted at length. I think the lady should be about my age though she looks rather haggard. A roundish woman she walks with a heavy drag on her feet. Her faint smile which reveals some missing front teeth emotes a mixed sense of weary resolve. I have spoken with her on the phone a couple of times before to find out the conditions of my counselee. She would pour her heart out giving me the impression that she needed someone to talk with. That day in the library she again lamented about her estranged relationship with her daughter, the mother of my counselee. MCYS has taken the children out of their mother's care after discovering they have been abused by their step-father; and grandma was appointed the guardian. Grandma works part time at MacDonald and strives to give the children the best care and guidance possible having in her own words failed in bringing up her daughter properly. Grandma is most concern with the poor academic performance of my counselee. Indeed the boy's form teacher has also shared with me that he is completely not motivated in his studies. I can feel grandma's helplessness and mine as well in not being able to do much, as in getting the child to be more interested in his studies (although his presenting issue for counselling was more about his emotional state than his academic performance). As I watched grandma rounding up the 3 boys amongst the book shelves to leave for home I can feel the weight on her shoulders carrying the responsibilities of bringing up yet another set of young children.
Reading Saturday Straits Time's special report on various categories of people who fall through the cracks of the social safety net in Singapore, I find the circumstances of the families described similar to that which many of the students in my school are in. Sometimes when discussing with the teachers about the struggles that a particular child is facing, the teachers will inevitably tell me there are other students in their class with even more adverse home environment.
Unless more resources are channelled to help these groups of people I think it is an upward struggle for the children to break away from the trap of poverty and adverse family conditions.
Reading Saturday Straits Time's special report on various categories of people who fall through the cracks of the social safety net in Singapore, I find the circumstances of the families described similar to that which many of the students in my school are in. Sometimes when discussing with the teachers about the struggles that a particular child is facing, the teachers will inevitably tell me there are other students in their class with even more adverse home environment.
Unless more resources are channelled to help these groups of people I think it is an upward struggle for the children to break away from the trap of poverty and adverse family conditions.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Valuing and Accepting
Paid a visit to the Red Cross Home for the Disabled at Redhill with my Buddhist teacher and classmates. Most of the inmates are afflicted with severe mental and physical diabilities. Many have constricted and stunted figures as well as severe mental incapacity such that one can never tell how they perceive the presence of visitors calling out their names or clasping their hands.
One feels awkward when greetings are met with the same stare into space or incomprehensible blabberings. One walks down the aisle lined with 2 rows of beds feeling rather scared, uncomfortable and lost. Indeed that is the feeling of being alienated. Then I came across a teenage boy holding a big soft toy dog. I went to his bedside, took the soft toy and did the only thing I am good at, ie. imitating the voice of a doggy, called out his name and touched his nose with the dog's nose. The boy broke out into a big smile and hugged the dog closely. I felt a connection through the dog which put me at more ease thereon.
At the class discussion after the visit, there was of course much talk about valuing our life, appreciating our functioning faculties and about acceptance (on the part of the parents accepting that they have to help their children live out their karmic effect). Back home reading Sumiko's column "Scared to be Happy" seems to wrap up the mood of the day. She talked about these days how small things seem to make her happy as compared to an inexhaustible list of aspirations required for happiness when she was in her 20s or 30s. I know what she means when she cites being greeted by her dog in the morining as an example of happiness. Noticing my cat safe and sound asleep beside me often brings a smile to my face. I should also be thankful for the mental capacity to appreciate the cat's presence.
Sumiko also spoke about being wary of feeling too happy just in case the happiness won't last. She is probably referring to impermanence. I guess even when we feel joyful we have to be mindful that such state is not permanent. Being aware and accepting such impermanence prepares us for inevitable changes.
One feels awkward when greetings are met with the same stare into space or incomprehensible blabberings. One walks down the aisle lined with 2 rows of beds feeling rather scared, uncomfortable and lost. Indeed that is the feeling of being alienated. Then I came across a teenage boy holding a big soft toy dog. I went to his bedside, took the soft toy and did the only thing I am good at, ie. imitating the voice of a doggy, called out his name and touched his nose with the dog's nose. The boy broke out into a big smile and hugged the dog closely. I felt a connection through the dog which put me at more ease thereon.
At the class discussion after the visit, there was of course much talk about valuing our life, appreciating our functioning faculties and about acceptance (on the part of the parents accepting that they have to help their children live out their karmic effect). Back home reading Sumiko's column "Scared to be Happy" seems to wrap up the mood of the day. She talked about these days how small things seem to make her happy as compared to an inexhaustible list of aspirations required for happiness when she was in her 20s or 30s. I know what she means when she cites being greeted by her dog in the morining as an example of happiness. Noticing my cat safe and sound asleep beside me often brings a smile to my face. I should also be thankful for the mental capacity to appreciate the cat's presence.
Sumiko also spoke about being wary of feeling too happy just in case the happiness won't last. She is probably referring to impermanence. I guess even when we feel joyful we have to be mindful that such state is not permanent. Being aware and accepting such impermanence prepares us for inevitable changes.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Wanting
I read with disbelief the evidences raised by the US lawyer representing Singapore investors in the Pinnacle Notes against Morgan Stanley (MS). The US court has not thrown out the case even though the investments were made in Singapore and not in US jurisdiction. Apparently our US lawyer ('our' because I am one such stupid albeit small investor) has presented facts that showed that MS "increased the percentage of companies susceptible to a housing downturn in the CDO structure" all this during the worsening subprime crisis. I have gone into this investment aware that MS is the swap counterparty. It is very common for a swap counterparty to hedge its own risks by simultaneously carrying out another swap to contra its position. However unknown to us the investors, MS has actually taken on a position against the investors or betting against the investor whilst being the manager of the investments, truly an "undisclosed self dealing".
If the above evidence is true, this is yet another rude recognition to me of how low financial institutions can stoop so that a few can enjoy huge bonuses. I had in my previous job always been very suspicious of the integrity of bankers when they pitched their sales but had never expected them to stoop this low. One panelist in a debate about the role of banks in the financial crisis opined that for the industry to truly revamp itself, banks have to stop being amoral or immoral. I can't agree more.
The papers are filled with immoral acts that stretch beyond your imagination. Another disbelief I have this morning is about contractors making their foreign workers gamble for them as they themselves are barred or excluded from the casinos due to heavy gambling. The foreign workers are given the capital and take a cut of the winnings; but when the loss is large the amount will be deducted from their pay. The worst outcome I believe is when the workers acquire the addiction!
All the above will result in nothing but sufferings. As I hear from dharma podcast all sufferings/dissatisfaction can be classified into 3 types:
1)The wanting
2) The holding on, and
3) The existential pain
The first covers a whole spectrum of wants stretching beyond material things and status to experiences, relationship and more.
The second refers to something pleasurable or pleasant having been attained, the heart wants more and more of such.It is as if we want to line up the good experiences one after another in our life and believe we are able to control that and blaming ourselves when we fail.
The third refers to the internal struggles or "boredom" experienced in a neutral state. In a state when nothing seemingly good or bad happens, boredom and anxieties over the meaning behind the repeated routines of living, set in. Many take to various forms of pleasures and excitement just to avoid this existential angst.
Bankers, contractors, foreign workers, you and me; we all have semblances of the above only in varying degree.
If the above evidence is true, this is yet another rude recognition to me of how low financial institutions can stoop so that a few can enjoy huge bonuses. I had in my previous job always been very suspicious of the integrity of bankers when they pitched their sales but had never expected them to stoop this low. One panelist in a debate about the role of banks in the financial crisis opined that for the industry to truly revamp itself, banks have to stop being amoral or immoral. I can't agree more.
The papers are filled with immoral acts that stretch beyond your imagination. Another disbelief I have this morning is about contractors making their foreign workers gamble for them as they themselves are barred or excluded from the casinos due to heavy gambling. The foreign workers are given the capital and take a cut of the winnings; but when the loss is large the amount will be deducted from their pay. The worst outcome I believe is when the workers acquire the addiction!
All the above will result in nothing but sufferings. As I hear from dharma podcast all sufferings/dissatisfaction can be classified into 3 types:
1)The wanting
2) The holding on, and
3) The existential pain
The first covers a whole spectrum of wants stretching beyond material things and status to experiences, relationship and more.
The second refers to something pleasurable or pleasant having been attained, the heart wants more and more of such.It is as if we want to line up the good experiences one after another in our life and believe we are able to control that and blaming ourselves when we fail.
The third refers to the internal struggles or "boredom" experienced in a neutral state. In a state when nothing seemingly good or bad happens, boredom and anxieties over the meaning behind the repeated routines of living, set in. Many take to various forms of pleasures and excitement just to avoid this existential angst.
Bankers, contractors, foreign workers, you and me; we all have semblances of the above only in varying degree.
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