Have been reading a bit on the basics of existentialism and find the following quote by Nietzche quite useful for year end reflection
"The Greatest Weight-
What if some day or night, a demon were to steal after you in your loniest loneliness and say to you...
"This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more, and there will be nothing new in it but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you all in the same succession and sequence. Even this spider, and this moonlight between the trees, even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again. And you with it, speck of dust."
Would you not throw yourself down and nash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus, or have you once experienced the tremendous moment when you would have answered him "You are a God and I never have heard anything more divine."
If this thought gained possession of you, it would change you as you are, or perhaps crush you. The question in each and every thing 'Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more would lie upon your actions as the greatest weight, or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life, to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate confirmation and seal.”-end of quote
The idea here is to get us thinking whether we will shudder in horror if we have to live our life exactly the same over and over again. If we hold such thought in abhorrence then what is wrong in how we live. If knowing we will have to repeat our life every moment of it, how would we henceforth live the rest of it?
"Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more?" can be a very powerful question worth pondering, especially as the year draws to an end.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Growing Old Gracefully
How do you feel when flyer distributors ignore you? Sometimes when being ignored by people handing out flyers at MRT stations (especially when they try very hard to stuff them into office workers), I do momentarily wonder what image I cast upon them such that they think it pointless to sell their product to me. It may be that I look poor because of my shabby dressing or appear lowly educated perhaps.
Of late there is much disgrunt in the ST Forum from people above 55 who have difficulty getting credit cards. It dawned on me that another possibility of being ignored is due to me looking exactly my age or perhaps even older. This is not less unflattering either. It takes fortitude to accept being regarded as old by others. I have a colleague who kept on harping how unhappy he felt when a middle-aged lady offered him a seat in the train. "She is not much younger than me!" he exclaimed. Middle-aged friends and relatives also constantly mention how companies now tend to engage younger people and how fast their younger colleagues climb the corporate ladder. The fear of being marginalised or pushed out of a job is prevalent.
Recently I listened to a special country report on Japan by the Economist. The country correspondent opined that some Japanese corporates which still abide by the system of seniority based on years of service are facing setback in growth. This is because an elderly senior management seems to be more risk adverse and less adventurous in growing the company outside the country. "Because of a seniority-based pay system, this puts a huge strain on business costs, leaving less money to provide young people with training and good jobs.......It (Japan) needs to dismantle its rigid corporate hierarchies to allow new people and ideas to emerge". The report also mentions how the country seems to reflect the mentality of its baby boomers who seem not to mind going into a "genteel decline" prefering a "quieter life".
From a personal perspective, I can relate to these preferences. I often wonder why we need to move so fast and am always nostalgic about the slower pace of life back in the 70s and 80s. My daughter however chides me for using age as an excuse for not having the drive to learn new things.
I guess it really takes more than grace to grow old gracefully. It calls for a lot of self awareness as well. Using my ex-colleague as an example, if he does not exercise and eat well to keep and look fit and nimble, he should then just graciously accept the seat offered him in the train.
Of late there is much disgrunt in the ST Forum from people above 55 who have difficulty getting credit cards. It dawned on me that another possibility of being ignored is due to me looking exactly my age or perhaps even older. This is not less unflattering either. It takes fortitude to accept being regarded as old by others. I have a colleague who kept on harping how unhappy he felt when a middle-aged lady offered him a seat in the train. "She is not much younger than me!" he exclaimed. Middle-aged friends and relatives also constantly mention how companies now tend to engage younger people and how fast their younger colleagues climb the corporate ladder. The fear of being marginalised or pushed out of a job is prevalent.
Recently I listened to a special country report on Japan by the Economist. The country correspondent opined that some Japanese corporates which still abide by the system of seniority based on years of service are facing setback in growth. This is because an elderly senior management seems to be more risk adverse and less adventurous in growing the company outside the country. "Because of a seniority-based pay system, this puts a huge strain on business costs, leaving less money to provide young people with training and good jobs.......It (Japan) needs to dismantle its rigid corporate hierarchies to allow new people and ideas to emerge". The report also mentions how the country seems to reflect the mentality of its baby boomers who seem not to mind going into a "genteel decline" prefering a "quieter life".
From a personal perspective, I can relate to these preferences. I often wonder why we need to move so fast and am always nostalgic about the slower pace of life back in the 70s and 80s. My daughter however chides me for using age as an excuse for not having the drive to learn new things.
I guess it really takes more than grace to grow old gracefully. It calls for a lot of self awareness as well. Using my ex-colleague as an example, if he does not exercise and eat well to keep and look fit and nimble, he should then just graciously accept the seat offered him in the train.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
This too will pass
Heard from Podcast a story told by a religious teacher that goes like this:
A man left his 2 sons a box when he died. Inside the box were 2 rings, one made of diamonds and the other of base metal. The eldest claimed the diamond ring as he was the firstborn. As usual with such stories he squandered away his fortune over the years and was miserable whereupon he met his brother. The younger brother seemed to be living quite happily. When he asked his brother how he managed to fare so well, the younger brother replied that he lived by the inscription on the ring which he thought was what their father bequeathed him. The words were "This too shall pass". They had helped him ride many storms.
This story was told by a religious teacher to an audience in San Francisco. He then asked his audience to reflect on the words and share their thoughts. I shall mention 3 responses that stood out for me. One man amongst the audience told of his own personal experience. He was the beneficiary of a trust fund set up by his great grandfather. For 3 generations, his relatives lived on the income from the trust and there was immeasurable misery with persistent suspicion, dissatisfaction and repeated calls for investigations etc.
Another lady spoke of her own grandmother who suffered from depression. The old lady however lived by the meaning of those words "This too will pass" and advised her children and grandchildren to live by them. Yet another lady in the audience shared that she had been repeatedly fighting cancer after each relapse. She too put her life together based on those words.
If I were to offer my thoughts I will relate my experience which though mundane, are what those words seem to mean for me. I have just started to attend Chinese Calligraphy at a Community Centre. There is homework every week. One day I was feeling rather blue and decided to let my mind focus on calligraphy instead. At first I was rather listless and thought it not the appropriate time to do my homework. However as I concentrated on every stroke, observing the impact of each slight shift of the brush, noticing the outcome from differing weight placed on each pause of the brush and learning how the thickness of the ink and the sharpness of the pointed brush shape the characters, I started to feel very very engaged with .........( I dont know what to call it) and calm befell me. In just a split moment, I seemed to know what it was meant to be, our being here. After finishing my homework I went on my routine with a lighter heart. To those moody feelings, "This too will pass".
A man left his 2 sons a box when he died. Inside the box were 2 rings, one made of diamonds and the other of base metal. The eldest claimed the diamond ring as he was the firstborn. As usual with such stories he squandered away his fortune over the years and was miserable whereupon he met his brother. The younger brother seemed to be living quite happily. When he asked his brother how he managed to fare so well, the younger brother replied that he lived by the inscription on the ring which he thought was what their father bequeathed him. The words were "This too shall pass". They had helped him ride many storms.
This story was told by a religious teacher to an audience in San Francisco. He then asked his audience to reflect on the words and share their thoughts. I shall mention 3 responses that stood out for me. One man amongst the audience told of his own personal experience. He was the beneficiary of a trust fund set up by his great grandfather. For 3 generations, his relatives lived on the income from the trust and there was immeasurable misery with persistent suspicion, dissatisfaction and repeated calls for investigations etc.
Another lady spoke of her own grandmother who suffered from depression. The old lady however lived by the meaning of those words "This too will pass" and advised her children and grandchildren to live by them. Yet another lady in the audience shared that she had been repeatedly fighting cancer after each relapse. She too put her life together based on those words.
If I were to offer my thoughts I will relate my experience which though mundane, are what those words seem to mean for me. I have just started to attend Chinese Calligraphy at a Community Centre. There is homework every week. One day I was feeling rather blue and decided to let my mind focus on calligraphy instead. At first I was rather listless and thought it not the appropriate time to do my homework. However as I concentrated on every stroke, observing the impact of each slight shift of the brush, noticing the outcome from differing weight placed on each pause of the brush and learning how the thickness of the ink and the sharpness of the pointed brush shape the characters, I started to feel very very engaged with .........( I dont know what to call it) and calm befell me. In just a split moment, I seemed to know what it was meant to be, our being here. After finishing my homework I went on my routine with a lighter heart. To those moody feelings, "This too will pass".
Monday, December 6, 2010
Scale of Happiness
In the Sunday Times Dan Buettner, the author of the book "Thrive, Finding Happiness The Blue Zones Way" placed Singapore as the happiest city in Asia. Of course the criteria in assessing happiness used by him relates a lot to security and safety. "Singapore shows that feeling secure is more important than freedom when it comes to happiness", Buettner said.
However of interest to me is his interview with the MM. Apparently on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is maximum, MM scored 5 for happiness when he was a PM and 6 at the time of the interview 2 years ago. He told Buettner that he didn’t want to reach nine out of 10 because “Then I would be complacent, flabby and walk into the sunset.”I am still wondering what he really means.
If he hadn't given specific reasons for not wanting a much higher score of happiness I would have thought that he is being philosophical about it. Perhaps he thinks that there is no such thing as an almost perfect score for happiness. He may think it is human nature to be always craving for the feeling of well being, irrespective of whether a person attribues happiness to having either loving relationships, status, power, wealth, a sense of achievement or being altruistic. However, as every person goes through the highs and lows of life it is inevitable that these cravings can be lost temporarily or permanently. Hence perfect happiness is almost impossible as long as we crave for these deemed attributes of happiness or feel their inadequacy or loss.
However his words, “Then I would be complacent, flabby and walk into the sunset” seem to paint a picture of his refusal to be complacent because once he feels complacent he will be "flabby" and going downhill. Hmmm....so puzzling... Does that mean he is actually happy about being unhappy where unhappiness equals continuous strive?
Actually in counselling, we called this scaling. So you ask a client to rate his perhaps anger or sadness etc. Say if the client rates 6 out of 10 for sadness, you ask him what needs to happen for him to bring it down to 4. Alternatively to pep him up and to get him to focus on any good things happening to him, you may ask why he doesn't rate it 8 ie. getting him to think of the things that aren't so bad after all.
Actually this technique is part of the Solution Focused Therapy. Another technique is to ask the client the miracle question which goes like if a fairy godmother grants the client a miracle quietly at night such that what he wants is granted, when he wakes up the next morning what would have changed such that he suspects a miracle has happened. Maybe Buettner could have gotten a more comprehensive answer from MM if he had asked the miracle question. However, MM could have answered that he does not believe in miracles and we have to work for what we want.
However of interest to me is his interview with the MM. Apparently on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is maximum, MM scored 5 for happiness when he was a PM and 6 at the time of the interview 2 years ago. He told Buettner that he didn’t want to reach nine out of 10 because “Then I would be complacent, flabby and walk into the sunset.”I am still wondering what he really means.
If he hadn't given specific reasons for not wanting a much higher score of happiness I would have thought that he is being philosophical about it. Perhaps he thinks that there is no such thing as an almost perfect score for happiness. He may think it is human nature to be always craving for the feeling of well being, irrespective of whether a person attribues happiness to having either loving relationships, status, power, wealth, a sense of achievement or being altruistic. However, as every person goes through the highs and lows of life it is inevitable that these cravings can be lost temporarily or permanently. Hence perfect happiness is almost impossible as long as we crave for these deemed attributes of happiness or feel their inadequacy or loss.
However his words, “Then I would be complacent, flabby and walk into the sunset” seem to paint a picture of his refusal to be complacent because once he feels complacent he will be "flabby" and going downhill. Hmmm....so puzzling... Does that mean he is actually happy about being unhappy where unhappiness equals continuous strive?
Actually in counselling, we called this scaling. So you ask a client to rate his perhaps anger or sadness etc. Say if the client rates 6 out of 10 for sadness, you ask him what needs to happen for him to bring it down to 4. Alternatively to pep him up and to get him to focus on any good things happening to him, you may ask why he doesn't rate it 8 ie. getting him to think of the things that aren't so bad after all.
Actually this technique is part of the Solution Focused Therapy. Another technique is to ask the client the miracle question which goes like if a fairy godmother grants the client a miracle quietly at night such that what he wants is granted, when he wakes up the next morning what would have changed such that he suspects a miracle has happened. Maybe Buettner could have gotten a more comprehensive answer from MM if he had asked the miracle question. However, MM could have answered that he does not believe in miracles and we have to work for what we want.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Earthiness
Inside the primary school where I work there is a student care centre. The school is a low ranking neighbourhood school in terms of academic performance. The majority of students come from lower income families. This student care centre (SCC) inside the school has a higher percentage of children from dysfunctional families compared to other SCCs. This is because children from our school with family problems that are brought to MCYS' attention are often referred to this SCC. This occurs when MCYS deems that the kids are better off at the SCC than staying at home. Their fees are substantially paid for by MCYS.
I was down at the SCC to do storytelling today. I went a bit early and had some time to look around before the session. As I have 2 student counselees attending the SCC I know some of the staff there. Today however was the first time I met the cook cum housekeeper. She is a short and stout middle-aged lady with short punky hair. Today she wore a loose red T-shirt hanging over her shorts and looked very much like a housewife at home. She caught my attention because she was disciplining 4 boys aged about 10 or 11 years whilst holding a feather duster in her hand. "My,my.." I thought to myself "How can they leave a cook to do the disciplining!", the high horse counsellor in me is at work. However as I pondered and listened to what she said to the boys, I became more and more intrigued. From her words which was in Mandarin I gathered there was a squabble amongst them. She then addressed each boy one by one, pointing out how each boy's actions affect the others. She however also spoke of the strength in each of their character. So she would say something like "You are actually very helpful and kind most of the time but when....da da da happens you go...da da da " I was surprised that the 4 kids did not put up fierce rebuttal and resistance but instead told her their side of the story. I had the impression that they respected her.
Half way through my story telling session she served me tea. When my session was over she offered me green pea soup and we chatted at length about the children. I was able to take a closer look at her. When she laughed I noticed her teeth were uneven, chipped and stained. However far from being repulsive they seem to reinforce the warmth that exudes from her. She had worked there for 8 years and has learnt on the job how to handle kids. I complimented her about the way she disciplined them using the slap and "sayang" (love) method. She told me she reads up a lot about child behaviour and ways to manage children. Wow "zhen de pei fu, pei fu" (my deep respect). I hope I am not romanticising her.
I left the place feeling somewhat light and cheerful. I don't really know why. Maybe I am infected by the woman's earthiness. I thought about the differences in people whom I interact with now versus those in my previous job. I used to admire the suaveness, eloquence and good looks of the bankers that came to peddle their products and occasionally enjoyed the witty banters with them. You can say they feasted my eyes (especially the good looking ang mos) and tickled my intellect. I would walk away feeling pleased when I managed to outwit them. However as these interactions weren't authentic they were not held in the heart and they evaporated like a mist. Needless to say there was also much pretences amongst colleagues for the sake of survival or avoidance of pain from the bosses. Such interactions are best forgotten haha.
After my resignation I have met people who are very very differnt, my classmates in my counselling class, my ex-colleagues at the Family Service Centre, my colleagues in school and my student counselees not the least. Just like the woman I met today at the SCC, we do not engage with our masks. Hence the feeling of warm earthiness.
I was down at the SCC to do storytelling today. I went a bit early and had some time to look around before the session. As I have 2 student counselees attending the SCC I know some of the staff there. Today however was the first time I met the cook cum housekeeper. She is a short and stout middle-aged lady with short punky hair. Today she wore a loose red T-shirt hanging over her shorts and looked very much like a housewife at home. She caught my attention because she was disciplining 4 boys aged about 10 or 11 years whilst holding a feather duster in her hand. "My,my.." I thought to myself "How can they leave a cook to do the disciplining!", the high horse counsellor in me is at work. However as I pondered and listened to what she said to the boys, I became more and more intrigued. From her words which was in Mandarin I gathered there was a squabble amongst them. She then addressed each boy one by one, pointing out how each boy's actions affect the others. She however also spoke of the strength in each of their character. So she would say something like "You are actually very helpful and kind most of the time but when....da da da happens you go...da da da " I was surprised that the 4 kids did not put up fierce rebuttal and resistance but instead told her their side of the story. I had the impression that they respected her.
Half way through my story telling session she served me tea. When my session was over she offered me green pea soup and we chatted at length about the children. I was able to take a closer look at her. When she laughed I noticed her teeth were uneven, chipped and stained. However far from being repulsive they seem to reinforce the warmth that exudes from her. She had worked there for 8 years and has learnt on the job how to handle kids. I complimented her about the way she disciplined them using the slap and "sayang" (love) method. She told me she reads up a lot about child behaviour and ways to manage children. Wow "zhen de pei fu, pei fu" (my deep respect). I hope I am not romanticising her.
I left the place feeling somewhat light and cheerful. I don't really know why. Maybe I am infected by the woman's earthiness. I thought about the differences in people whom I interact with now versus those in my previous job. I used to admire the suaveness, eloquence and good looks of the bankers that came to peddle their products and occasionally enjoyed the witty banters with them. You can say they feasted my eyes (especially the good looking ang mos) and tickled my intellect. I would walk away feeling pleased when I managed to outwit them. However as these interactions weren't authentic they were not held in the heart and they evaporated like a mist. Needless to say there was also much pretences amongst colleagues for the sake of survival or avoidance of pain from the bosses. Such interactions are best forgotten haha.
After my resignation I have met people who are very very differnt, my classmates in my counselling class, my ex-colleagues at the Family Service Centre, my colleagues in school and my student counselees not the least. Just like the woman I met today at the SCC, we do not engage with our masks. Hence the feeling of warm earthiness.
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