They bring Hope

Extracts from "The Secret Spiritual World of Children" by Tobin Hart:

"Children can be our spiritual leaders. They lead us to love, sacrifice, responsibility, and all sorts of things which we hardly knew we were capable. As adults, we often think of our relationship with children as involving our helping them to develop but they help us grow as well. Development is mutual……..

There is something quite remarkable about the presence of a child that serves to activate our spiritual nature- our capacity for wonder, passion, communion and hope. …….. Our heart reaches out when we see a child in pain or danger. We soften, even melt, as a child stares softly at us or looks for a lap or a hug. We stoop down, become silly, want to draw in close and suddenly lighten as if gravity no longer has the same pull when we are in their presence..."

This 12 year old Indian boy is not my client but the elder brother of one. He occasionally drops in during recess to chat. He had been quite distressed over his poor maths grades which would send his tearful father retreating quietly to his bedroom. After some persuasion, the school teachers managed to get the father to consent for the boy to take Foundation Maths (a more basic syllabus) instead.

Yesterday was racial harmony day when children were asked to dress in their traditional costume to school. I was feeling rather down suffering a bit from parental guilt of some sort. A knock on the door was followed by the entrance of the boy dressed in his white Indian traditional costume. Something about him, the smile on his face, the cheerful countenance plus the all-white cottonly costume lifted me instantly. I remarked that he looked happy. He was pleased that he has topped the Foundation Math class and the school intends to move him to another class, a level of higher difficulty. He came in however to tell me about another secret "project" he is doing. He is planning to give his parents a big surprise on their wedding anniversary. He tries to save $2 a week but finds it a bit of challenge. He asked my opinion whether giving them a treat at Swenson will be a good idea. As he deliberated whether he should leave his parents to have their own private dinner and spoke about his parents revisiting the place where they met every anniversary I noticed the love he has for his parents just flowing out like a fountain. For a second I thought to myself, "He looks like an angel".

I have spoken with his mum before on the phone over his younger brother's behavioural problems. She had sounded so troubled, burdened and disappointed with her childrens' academic performance. What she didn't realise was she and her husband have imparted the virtues of Love (which inched up my own guilt a bit though). Nevertheless, hearing the boy spoke so lovingly of his parents I saw hope for the family. In a flash it reminded me that there is always hope admist any bleakness and was lightened "as if gravity no longer has the same pull".

Amazing Stories

I have mentioned before that metaphors work very well when working with kids. Recently I have done some research that suggest that narrative therapy is effective with youngsters too. It can be done in various manner, telling a story and reflecting on it or composing a story together, usually one which involves initial struggles and then mastering the strength to overcome them. After all, ain't all the religious teachings enriched with parables and stories? In fact there is this person called Kwame Scruggs who employs mythological stories and drumming as a means of healing psychological wounds whilst working with adolescent youths and male high school "drop-outs" in Ohio.

Borrowing a story of his entitled "Half-Boy", I shared it with two of my students. The story is about a boy who was born with half a body, ie. only the right side was visible whilst the left side was invisible and extremely weak. Of course the boy was ostracizsed and eventually,after a lot of pain, decided to leave the village. He then met another half-boy who had the same affliction except that he was only visible on the left side. Instead of becoming great friends, the 2 half boys had a great fight and went through a lot of struggles till they rolled into the river. When they emerged they became a complete wholesome boy. This is I think a great story to talk about with teenagers concerning feelings of incompleteness, things lacking in one's life, the internal conflicts one endures and the struggles to be more complete.

However with younger kids (ten and eleven) they may not necessarily see the analogy straight away. So I educate them first about the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of our lives that help make us feel more complete and whole. Explaining the spiritual aspect can be quite challenging as I suggest that it is not only about attending religious classes or going to church/temple but can also refer to activities like being with nature, connecting to the soul through art, music and journaling and having quiet moments. I then get them to think about it for further discussion at the next session.

I didnt think it will leave much of an impression on them and thought them a bit too young to understand. However I was rather surprised at the subsequent session when they seem to be aware of their needs. The ten year old boy declared " I lack this " pointing to the spiritual quarter ( I have drawn a figure with 4 parts on the board). Now this is a boy who is in the best class, represents school in scrabbles, is never satisfied with his performance and is arrogant and always trying to prove himself. The eleven year old boy's remarks that he needs help in both the emotional and spiritual aspects was less of a surprise to me. He is older and has been presented for counselling arising from frequent complaints about being stressful.

The fact that they remember the story well already proves that stories do leave an impression. They may not relate to the story immediately but may one day recall and draw some lessons from it. I was also rather surprised to learn of a true incident whereby a boy in the States plucked up enough courage to save a relative from the fast flowing waters during a flood. He was asked later where he pulled his energy from. He said the story about a little engine that pulled a broken down train across the mountain had suddenly surfaced in his mind and gave him the strength. The train in the story was carrying christmas toys for the children living on the other side of the mountain. As it went, the little engine had kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." These words had resonated in his mind.

I had actually read this book before at one of my story telling sessions at the library. The book is entitled "The Engine that Could". Hmm... I wonder whether Obama read it when he was young and changed it to "Yes, We Can".

Lessons from Korean dramas

There is this Korean Drama shown over KBS channel 115, The Great Merchant. It tracks the life of the main female character from a small girl to becoming a great merchant. Just like the popular drama Da Chang Jin, it describes the determination, perseverance and fortitude of the character. Now I know why Korean Drama is so endearing to the aunties and maybe womenfolk in general. There is inevitably this male character who looms behind the heroine like a shadow, quietly giving all the support and care; and who will inevitably appear in the nick of time when she needs him most. In this particular drama, there were actually 3 guys standing behind her though she was deeply in love with the male lead. What seems to be common and so touching in both these epics is the presence of an everlastingly patient man who waits and stands behind the heroine whilst she matures and grows from strength to strength in her pursuit for her not so conventional dream under extremely difficult circumstances. I have heard that Da Chang Jin was a very popular drama amongst the Middle Eastern womenfolk because it relates to their inner dream to gain more freedom. The dream is further sweetened when backed by a powerful male (maybe not so easy to find even in Singapore not to mention in the Middle East, the backing I meant).

This drama is aired only during weekend evenings which is very bad timing indeed. So I missed many episodes. Last Sunday evening I just managed to catch the last 5 minutes when the male lead was stabbed. Since I will be going out again tonight I download from the web (Korean dialogue without english subtitles) to find out whether he survived. OH NO... how can they write such a script. My tears rolled when the guy died. After all those years of hardship when they overcame obstacles after obstacles together, HE DIED? They were supposed to be finally sharing their years together. How could the script writer be so cruel? Aren't stories and dramas meant to be therapeutic promising better times after steering through sufferings?

Another aspect which I doubt about such drama is whether there are indeed men who will stand by a woman even when their love is unreciprocated. I am sure you must have heard of Paul McCartney's widely known grief over the loss of his first wife and then not too long later about him remarrying. It is the same with Victor Khoo nearer home. However recently, my skepticism is checked when I heard over podcast about how certain people make us feel recharged whilst others are energy vampires. The psychologist encourages us to take notice of who these people are so that we can spend more and less time accordingly, if we wish to be happier. Helping others will also make one feel re-energised. It happened to me going back to school after the holidays. The interaction with and response from the children somehow boost my energy and generates good feelings. So it is quite possible for those supporting male characters in the Korean drama whose love is unrequited to continue supporting the heroine. They may feel good, energised and purposeful supporting someone they love; and may derive satisfaction watching her grow in strength and character.

Anyway the script-writer apparently has more up his sleeves. Towards the end of the episode that I watched, the heroine stepped out one day after a prolonged griefing process and grave illness to greet her friends and employees and continue to be their leader. This perhaps is her final hurdle and her best accomplishment; and probably a great model to many a women that they too can be strong in the absence of a man.