The Perfect SILO

This morning my Taiji classmate again lamented about his son's reluctance to settle down despite having a girl friend. I have been hearing her concerns for more than 5 years now, ie. since the "young" man was in his late twenties. He is afraid of the commitment to settle down and raise children. Apparently she advised him to "just produce and the children will grow up on their own". I told her that I have known enough of dysfunctional families to know that was poor advice. However it may work if she takes over the parental role. Given that she is already tearing her hair out running her own company, I am pessimistic she can assume that responsibility. I can see her worry especially when she compares herself with the standards of a perfect family in Singapore, ie. children grow up, graduate, earn big bucks, marry, have kids, with the mill grinding mindlessly and hopefully faultless day after day. I call this the PERFECT SILO (ie. the silo that holds the best grains).

I also wonder about the root of this desire especially amongst Asian parents to see their children settle down and start a family. It can not be based on the age old concept of continuing the family surname right? For God's sake there is enough of Tans, Ngs and Lims to do the job. I doubt it is the desire to ensure the lineage of one's genes with all its shortcomings either. Perhaps it could arise from the fear of loneliness at old age. However given globalisation, one can never expect the children to be residing nearby. It then falls back to the belief that having a family is the best bet for a stable and fulfilling life for the adult children. WHY SO? Because for people like us, we have been living our lives "for" our children. The childen gives meaning to why we are erking out a living, "we are doing this and that for them" and we conclude it is worth it because of some joy that comes with it.

BUT then again have we actually explored other paths or just followed the instincts of our parents and their forefathers. Perhaps it is precisely this unthinking well trodden path which some young people fear and are now trying to break away from. They may want to discover the real LIFE apart from the biologically driven propagation of species. Maybe they have a love or passion for a cause, maybe they need to see the world and its varied faces and cultures, maybe they need to deepen their knowledge in a particular subject, or maybe they just want to discover "living" without using children as a means to this end.

Perhaps instead of bemoaning that the children are not following the procreational footsteps, parents can derive some insight from their grown children who need this personal freedom. They may get a tip or 2 on how to grow themselves and perhaps a second spring may dawn in their colourless life.

I wish I know more Chinese

In preparation for a meeting with a parent who does not speak English, I am looking up a Chinese dictionary for words like anxiety, criticise, sacarsm , emotions, parenting etc etc. Sigh! The need to know Chinese is never so intensely felt since the days when I was in the Company choir, and was forced to learn the Chinese lyrics by heart. Whenever a parent requests for me to speak Chinese over the phone, I will apologetically say " Wo jin niang, hor " (I will try my best OK?)

My biggest achievement in Chinese conversation is perhaps the time when I had to counsel an emotionally abused lady client during my internship with the Family Service Centre. Although she wrote in her particulars that she is bi-lingual she was not comfortable speaking English and requested that I spoke Chinese as much as possible. Again I said "wo jin liang" but "li yao bang wo" (you must help me). She is 2 years younger than me. Indeed it turned out that she not only helped me to improve my Chinese, she actually helped to counsel herself. Why? Because I would start a sentence and got stuck and she would finish it for me hahaha. It worked especially when I helped her to reframe her thinking or see the blind spot. So when she completed the sentence and hit the nail, I would exclaim in delight that she could see the situation objectively herself. BINGO!

However this coming meeting won't be so smooth going and I doubt my luck. This time round the meeting is with a strict disciplinary father who expects too much from his kid. His divorced wife has requested that I have a "chat" with him. Hmm...I guess I better add to my Chinese vocab some calming and soothing phrases as well. However, if he goes overboard and makes me really angry I hope I won't mutter an expletive which I already learnt long ago.

Quest to Look Good

As usual with any package tour to China, factory visits are inevitable inclusive of the state recognised clnic/medical hall. At one such visit during our tour to JiuZhaiGou is a compulsory trip to a factory outlet selling stones and crystals. Whilst waiting for the group to pour over the pendants, rings and other accessories, a pair of Cat's Eye ear ring caught my eyes and I asked to try them on. A round mirror was promptly placed before my face by the eager sales-lady. The beautiful yellow "eyes" that made the bluish grey stones sparkled and which looked so exquisite in the white padded holder, was a shame against my lack lustred side profile and wrinkled neck. Without a second thought I thanked the lady and moved on.
Similarly another brilliant ring seemed pitiful on my fingers and scaly hand. My husband whispered "not nice meh?" whilst perhaps trying to hide his relief. "Nothing is nice on me now," I retorted. I also wondered why other elderly ladies want to draw people's attention to their less than beautiful neck or hands. In recent times I have occasionally felt dismayed how lovely clothing and accessories no longer can adorn me.

In our culture where not being able to keep a youthful appearance is considered almost a personal failure, one has to learn to accept the process of aging and doubly so if you don't possess the youthful genes. I read Lee Wei Ling's article about being a reluctant dresser and that comfort and cost are her main considerations. She is not bothered with looking good whether to herself or to others. Although I share her sentiments about the incomprehensible rationale of someone spending half their monthly salary on a piece of clothing, I (unlike her) wish to look good at least to myself. However instead of pursuing the impossible desire to look glamorous, I have now adopted a second measure of looking good. I observe that I look good in the pictures I took at JZG where rosy cheeks, bright eyes and light spiritedness bring out the radiance in me. Yes, my standard now for looking good as I matured is to look alive!

So instead of buying stones and silk cheongsam, my husband and I spent almost the same amount we paid for the tour package on cordyceps (hahaha); in the hope we will be healthy, radiant and will look good for a longer time.

JuiZhaiGou

Just returned from a trip to JiuZhaiGou, China. It is part of the Aba Tibetan prefecture. It was snowing and the scenery was splendid, often more breath taking than those in Switzerland and New Zealand. Though some lakes were like skating rinks, others were blue and turquoise reflecting like perfect mirrors the pine forests with their snow icing. Waterfalls are aplenty and one gets to follow their downward flow, sometimes as brooks and at times as gushing torrents over rocks.

The melting snow posed some challenge, especially for the middle aged folks like us. At certain scenic spots, the steps were strewn with sack cloth to make them less slippery. Our guide was a young lady of Tibetan origin who is about to get married this year. She complimented the 5 husbands in the group for taking great care of their wives. She lamented that it is hard to find elderly couples holding hands in China and that Chinese husbands don't care two hoots about their wives' safety. I told her back home we don't hold hands too. Only in JuiZhai we clinged on to each other out of necessity. Indeed this trip proved to be the longest duration I held my husband's hands since our honeymoon some decades ago. It feels good.