Toughest Job

I continue my reading of "A New Earth" and also watch its author Eckhart Tolle conducts classes with Oprah Winfrey on the web. I come to know that children absorb negative energy emanated by their parents. Eckhart says each of us has what he terms a "pain-body" which is an energy field of accumulated emotional pain. Hence your anxieties, anger, insecurities etc can unfortunately be sponged up by your kids too.

Furthermore when parents fight, the child picks up the emotional pain. Even if the parents make a conscious effort not to fight in the child's presence, the under current and negative energy prevailing in the home environment is sensed and absorbed by the child.

Honestly, parenting is such an ardous task, don't you think. First of all we are not taught or trained the techniques of good parenting despite its importance (there is no universal fool proof manual). We have to depend on our own intuition and good intentions to act in a manner we hope will be best for the children. Then again what is best for our children is not as obvious as we choose to believe for the simple reason that we are not our children. Often the lessons we learnt from our own life experiences and upon which we apply our judgement and decision-making may not be relevant for our children. Not only because their character and constitution is different but also because their aspiration differs due to the differnt environment they grow up in.

Then there is always the dilemma of how much we should stretch them to develop their potentials before they snap. How many knocks can strengthen them and which one will be a real knock out. In addition, do we emphasise the practical aspects of livelihood lest they become poor starving artists; or do we encourage them to chase their dreams lest they lead a regretfully mundane and unfulfilling life.

And now this added responsibility of making sure we do not emanate negative energy, (when we wish we know how to shake them off ourselves). This coupled with the countless times we are often misunderstood by them, makes parenting the number one toughest job on earth. Toughest because it hurts so much more when we deem we have failed.

(on a brighter note- this common feeling of guilt is something we need not worry too much. Perhaps this can be the subject of another blog)

Spring Cleaning- in a mood for garbage

These 2 weeks I psycho myself into doing spring cleaning on the justification that I would never have the energy once my work at the school begins (even though it is a part time job :) The amount of dust in the endless cabinets surprised me and I questioned the diligence of my maid (and YES, she has left TWO YEARS ago!) Every spring cleaning exercise reminds me of my deceased mother, not the least because I still keep some of her momentos which she bought during her tours overseas. But more so because it brings to mind very vividly the feelings and experience we had when my siblings and I were emptying my parents' flat before we rented it out.

My mother passed away rather suddenly some 9 year ago after a fall and short illness. After a few months of staying on his own with the maid, we decided that it was safer for my father to stay with my brother. Hence we had to empty the flat and rent it out. By common standards, my mother was a neat person and like most of us was plagued or blessed whichever you deem, with a dose of sentimentality. So as we emptied the wardrobes and cabinets there were quite a few unusual finds. There were those Christmas gifts which I bought her year after year since I started to earn a living. Then there were decorative pieces which I left in my room after I got married and moved on. They were tucked into boxes that filled larger cardboard cartons. We had a hard time deciding whether to throw or to keep and if so, who then amongst us was to keep. It was kind of fun when the item was clearly identifiable to the purchaser and the decision could be easily delegated. However there were lots more items with unknown origin or which were clearly bought by her. Every of such item will be held up for a consensus to keep or throw. I remembered we spent quite a few weekends doing this until people lost steam, dropped out of the game and the remaining ones made quicker decisions mainly to dispose. I have 4 siblings and my parents stayed in a 3 room flat.

Warped as it may seem whilst I am doing my own spring cleaning I just can not help but think of the exercise which my 2 children will have to go through when I depart. At best, by mathematical calculation, and if I am as neat as my mother, they would have to spend 6X the time we spent (there being 8 rooms in my present house including bedroom ,living and dining compared to my parents' 3 room flat; and the task of tidying being shared between 2 children instead of 5). Somewhat this thought instills a sense of responsibility to throw items which I do not miss or have forgotten they even existed. It also keeps my sentimentality in check.

Another memory which is quite unforgettable was this feeling of unpredictability of life. Like some of the stuff she left behind were bought just so recent and in the kind of quantity or quantum meant for a "going concern" (in corporate terms really).Things which were exclusively hers like cosmetics, accessories, toto & 4-D betting slips etc. Such things renewed pain and feeling of loss I remembered.

Gosh what a warp subject. But I must end on a happier note. My mother always mentioned in passing in Cantonese that the amount of wealth and fame a person has is destined. My mother was also a worrier. From her life experience, I have another conclusive prinicple which is, in addition to wealth and fame, the amount of worrying one has to endure is also destined. She passed away a few months just before 9/11, the Sars outbreak and also before my brother was retrenched from his banking job.

Fulfillment? Do we need it?

Over the weekend a party was organised for an ex colleague who retired. It was a heartwarming gathering of about 30 people who worked with an organisation for years together before going separate ways, after some massive organisational restructuring. Somehow I felt that the people in the room were once brought together by some unseen hand such that an indelible experience and pleasant memories were ours to keep and treasure for years.

On the big wishing card I wrote something like wishing him a fulfilling retirement. Reading the book "A New Earth" and reflecting a bit about my own early retirement afterwards, I felt I have penned wrongly. What on earth is a "Fulfilling retirement?" Gosh! Ain't I putting pressure on him to feel "fulfilled" when he can just go all out to be himself. Isn't the constant quest for fulfillment in a person a sign of an underlying sense of incompleteness.

Ekhart Tolle discusses our continuous quest for more; and our constant worries about not being good enough (compared to others). A sentence from the book reads "You will always be looking for something else that promises greater fulfillment, that promises to make your incomplete sense of self complete, and fill that sense of lack you feel within." So the ego in us finds ways and means to feel complete,special or one up over others. It may be the quest for material things and status, to be powerful and in control of others; or perhaps buiding an image of being someone who has it ALL. Alternatively one may feel that instead of pursuing wealth or having lost the means to do so, chooses to be involved in charity work to feel like a person with more "substance" than others. I am rather aware of my own need to feel "useful" to feel complete. Hence I try to check my intentions before I act. Ah! If only we can stop seeing ourselves in the eyes of others.

Ok when I next meet my colleague who retired, I shall tell him, "Eh balek balek, I want to rewrite my wishes for you. I wish you will find peace and contentment just BEING yourself"

The Need to have them

Ajahn Brahm (from the Buddhist Society of West Australia) in one of his talks wondered why people are often so busy taking pictures instead of staying with the moment taking in the scene before it is gone.

This is the dilemma I faced during a family trip to Athens and Santorini recently. The sights are simply gorgeous and breath taking. You want to capture them before they are gone. In doing that however you view the beauty at that instant only through the tiny screen of the camera. Nevertheless you want to possess it forever; but the photographs will never ever be the same as those scenes before your very eyes.

In the Acropolis museum, a magnifient attempt is made to piece the fragmented original ruins of Parthenon (temple at Acropolis). Like patchwork, the missing pieces are substituted with cast copies. There are several signs that say the missing original pieces are now at the British Museum and the Louvre.


Apparently in the early 19th century Lord Elgin of England removed everything from the Parthenon that was removable. Their reasoning was had they not then someone else would have and in bringing these pieces back to England they were protecting history.
A visitor can not help but feel disgusted with this crazy desire to possess which robs the wholeness and sanctity of the original.