That posh apartment can wait!

Just in case busy people have missed the interview Cheong Suk-Wai had with Christopher Hsee which was reproduced in the Straits Times on 28th July, I am reflecting a bit on it. Prof Hsee says " The point is that to increase or maintain happiness, we should pursue events which are resistant to adaptation......Most social events are less prone to adaptation, so having pets or enjoying the arts gives us greater joy in the long run>".

The work of Professor Hsee from University of Chicago was cited at some length by Nobel economic laureate Daniel Kahneman in his lecture in 2002. Basically Prof Hsee distinguishes between 2 types of events, Type A and Type B event. Type A event has an absolute standard, ie. clearly good or bad for our well being. For example, a person may deem loneliness as an unhappy situation. Type B event on the other hand are relative, ie. based on social comparisons, like how big your diamond is as mentioned by the prof. He also says Type B event is hence a zero sum game, because "if everyone wears large diamonds, our average happiness will be the same as when everyone wears small diamonds". In addition events that we can adapt to easily loose their ability to bring joy. An example he gave is acquiring an expensive granite countertop in your kitchen. This type of event compares less favourably with events which are "dynamic and variable" (say keeping a pet or embracing an art form)and which can prolong the joy we experience.

Reading this article makes me reflect on my own pursuits. Of late the countless articles on properties prompted me to drop in on 2 showflats. I can not deny that the posh and luxurious interiors stirred my heart a bit, such that I began to wonder if I had continued working would I have considered jumping onto the bandwagon and then resolved to continue slogging hard for it. See it is less of "social comparison" as Prof Hsee mentions, it is more of MY real weakness for nice homes. Every time I come home from viewing an interior designer showhouse I will cast a sad eye on my abode with its run down furniture, clutter, mess and wondering what I can do to make it more like a resort home (but without spending money). If I have the money, I will buy a tastefully furnished apartment (need not be too big)fronting the sea. I wonder how long I will take to "adapt" to this joy before it fizzles out as per the prof, haha. But then again, if I have to slog to maintain this posh apartment, would I have the light frame of mind to enjoy it. See only when you are not stressed out by work, would you have that lightness and peace to enjoy moments like watching your cat sleep serenely beside you. The cat feels so safe and peaceful beside you whilst you are doing your stuff such that you feel both the cat and you are together just "being" and that is what is meant to be in our life. ( Crazy, see how I straddle between the material desire of wanting to "have" and to "consume" as Jung or Fromm put it and the philosophical spectrum of just "being" ).

But that is exactly what the dilemma or predicament is all about. For middle aged people like us who have been brought up to make sure there is sufficient financial security before pondering about actualisation or pursuits of personal interests, the question lies in how much longer will one live. Is it long enough such that I can pursue all these airy fairy stuff (including trying to put a smile on little faces)after my statutory retirement age? (By then I would have sufficient means to enjoy all that I want). Or would it be cut off abruptly such that there is no opportunity to pursue them or for that matter with health failing after retirement, the joy of whatever procured will be lost ? Hmm.... the dilemma. But of course if one needs to work until retirement, the best approach I think is to take it easy and not be too stressed up and think about how one can actually live humbly and enjoy Type B events like what I am doing now, me writing my blog whilst listening to tunes from "Middle Kingdom" and me and my cat experiencing our "being". Let me savour this awhile. That posh apartment can wait! As Vivien Leigh of Gone With the Wind said "I'll think about it tomorrow"

Life Images

Did some spring cleaning and came across my diary when I was 28. In it I found this passage: " There is forever one image in my life. I can see myself hands in pocket, collar over my neck, tracking the field of vastness, the swaying rushes enveloping me ".

Likewise quite a different scene has often flashed in my mind in RECENT years. In this image, a monk is sweeping the dried autumn leaves in the premise of a temple. Each sweep of the bamboo broom causes a little flurry which settles quickly in a heap of earthy leaves of various shades and crisp. The swish of the broom against the ground provides the monk the rhythm to engage with his work peacefully.

Do you have such images that flash in your mind like a scene from the movie? Hmm...I have (don't worry I am not hallucinating). I don't know how many change of scenes has occurred over these decades. Perhaps there may not have been any in between. See at 28, unattached and hence without a focus or distraction if you will, I was probably embroiled in existential quandary. Thus the feeling of stoic aloneness to brave a vast world of the unknown.

Fast forward, today's recurring image is probably a desire to reach contentment, a desired outcome from a long period of introspection. The stoic aloneness of the image of long ago is now replaced by the wish to acquire a quiet endurance and acceptance of whatever autumn may bring (even illness, loneliness, who knows?). Whilst both age face the unknown, the feelings are different. That perhaps is what they call "mellowing".

Yet another beautiful book

This afternoon I have a story telling session at NLB. Of late to save time I tend to select picture books with less words but with a good story line. A less wordy book needs less preparation as one can impromptu as one reads from the book. However for today's session I borrowed quite a wordy book but with lovely drawings enitled "Laura's Secret". So I kind of need to rehearse a bit ie. turning it more into a story telling rather than a half read and half story tell session. To save time I practice whilst doing housework.

Err...another child's storyline (so read only if you can spare the time) but can be quite inspirational. Basically Laura and brother spent quite a bit of effort and time making a kite. However at the park, brother was mocked and bullied by a group of school friends as their kite didnt take off. He was tripped by one of the bullies, fell and broke his kite. Both went home feeling sad and downhearted. Laura however has a secret. She talks to the star every night from her bedroom window. She shares with the star everything, her joy, her sadness and her hopes and she always feel good after that.

That night Laura asked the star for help. Nothing happened and she fell asleep. In the middle of the night, her room was aglowed with starlight. The glow not only filled her room but made her wide awake. Suddenly she felt the energy rush and she got up to repair the kite, mending it with much stronger material and drawing teeth to make the kite look braver and bold. On top of that she saw the star sprinking stardust onto the kite such that it shone in the dark as if like magic.

Next day she told her brother that believing in something, wishing and working for it hard enough could make it happen. (haha very cliche i know). Well how the story went was the kite flew so high that the string became too taut to hold. "Then maybe you should let it go...Maybe a kite as special as this one needs to be free". So they let go of the kite and Laura asked the kite to reach for the star.

You see a children book just like adult books needs more than one reading to feel the magic or essence. I think I want to purchase this book. It will be good for me to use with my child clients, if not to just cheer them up, may also sprinkle some "hope" in them. I often believe HOPE is so essential to catharsis and story telling is often a media used for child counselling to get them to choose their desired ending. Even I myself am lifted by reading this book (but of course I am always easily delighted by children stuff!). I think parents of toddlers must really read to their kids to inspire not only their imagination and creativity but to ground them in values, hope and the love of life. I wish I have done more for my kids. But even you adults, if you feel moody or neurotic or what have you, take a trip to the children's section of the library. I guarantee you, some of the books will give you a lift!

Teach them to Love

Chatted with an old friend who is now into his 70s. He had returned from a trip to his father's village in China. He lamented how closely knit his cousin's family was compared to his own in Singapore. Apparently he could feel the warmth and noticed how well his China cousin could communicate with his (adult) children. This affected him quite a bit when he returned to Singapore where differences lie abundant in his own family, especially in the way his grandchildren are being brought up. Throughout the years my friend has always been very proud of his children's achievement and they have not let him down. One of his daughters is accomplished in her own field and also married an equally accomplished surgeon. Problems arise when they threw wind to his complaints about the grandchildren's behaviour. Relationship starts to strain and communication is hampered.

Thinking about Life's 5 needs which I blogged about on 18 June I try to see what ails my friend. The 5 needs are survival (food, shelter etc), love, power, freedom (choice and independence) and fun. Perhaps when his opinion is disregarded he feels a loss in power ie. a loss of recognition and importance in the family. Also my friend grew up in a traditional extended family where showing respect means love. Thus his children's lack of attention or indifference may be construed as lack of love.

I have in my last blog talked about Frankl's subject of "having the past to live for" and "the meanings that have been fulfilled". I guess as we grow older we have to recognise we do not need to be so important all the time. We should recognise we have fulfilled them already.

But on the disparity between the circumstances around him and his cousin, I also empathise with his feelings. It is not unimaginable that the more successful the children are the less time they will have for their parents. So I remarked that his children holding such demanding jobs will tend to be rather stressed and highly strung. He cant compare that to life in a small town in China. Having said that however, I also feel the value of filial piety is not consciously taught or ingrained in our younger people in Singapore. I don't think this was taught in school (civics and moral education period often hijacked for exams preparation) and very few parents really bother to talk about it at home (myself included).

That reminds me of one situation I encountered. I was in a mrt train where I watched with amusement a young mother trying to hot house her toddler, a sweet little girl. She was pointing out the signs and advertisements displayed and explaining every new word to the child. The little girl is pretty bright and I am quite sure will be a RGS girl, hahaha. The mother gave me a smile and I realised I must have been smiling at the little girl. Co-incidentally we got off at the same station. Suddenly I have the impulse to follow them and tell the young mother "Your child is very bright. You need not worry. But don't forget to teach her to LOVE".

I debated within myself whether to follow my impulse. Something urged me to do it. In the end I didn't. To this day I wonder how the mother will react if I did.