Dress down for counselling

My wardrobe of office attire is in danger of growing mildew. Often I tried to wear them when doing my practicum but found them not suitable. When I counsel students at the school, I try to dress less formal and a bit smart casual. Of late however, I find I have to dress down when counselling at the Family Service Centre. You can not expect your client to believe you when you say "I understand your hardship" and look resplendent in your expensive looking clothes and shoes ( see I am quite good at buying cheap stuff that looks expensive!).

I have a client that poured out her pain relating how her husband told her blatantly that "yes he is flirting with a KTV lounge waitress, bu ke yi ma? (cannot ha?)". So to avoid a nervous breakdown she is determined to put her child in childcare and look for a job. To do so however she needs about $1000+ comprising deposit, first month fee etc which she can't get from her husband. He objects to her working and enjoys the power over her helpless dependence on him. She puts me to shame with her quickness in numbers while I struggle to catch up. "All I need is $380" she declared whilst I was still struggling, counting the first month fees, uniform, books and assuming we got approval for installment payments etc, etc.

"My problem will be solved if I have $380", she slouched into the sofa and sighed. I looked at her, my mind twirling with thoughts.I could just give or lend her $380 but I can't do that. It is not appropriate and if I do that I will probably go down as the most popular counsellor with a long queue of clients. Mind you she was not asking for money from our FSC but came for counselling, distressed over her husband's infidelity.

That day after the session with her I went to collect a new pair of spectacles. Whilst making payment of $500 ( very reasonable pricing right? ) I can't help but feel a bit guilty because I don't really need another pair. Now it dawns on me why the government pays social workers and counsellors so poorly. It probably knows they will never be extravagant.

Glad to be deceived

Back to counselling at the school!

Today I talked to a girl who ran away from home during the school holidays, a sweet and soft spoken girl. She detests her parents whom she declares as irresponsible because they apparently dumped her at her uncle's home since primary 3 and do not care two hoots about her well being. She lives with grandma, an unmarried uncle who is a teacher and an unmarried aunty who together take on the parent role. This highly cognitive and rational thinking girl acknowledges their concern for her but says though grateful has completely no feelings for her aunt and uncle. The more they want to control and discipline her the more she wants to rebel and run away from "home".

To break the ice and start the ball rolling I usually get my young clients to rate their level of satisfaction (where 0 is extremely unhappy and 10 extremely happy) with 1) themselves 2) life at home and 3) their school life. The girl rated them as 5, 2 and 8 respectively.

Using the solution focused therapy, I asked what makes her rate life at home as 2 and not 1 or 0, to which the girl replied that her 12 year old brother brings her that 2 points of happiness at home. She then went on to talk with delight how she plays with and coaches him. I of course affirmed her care and love for her brother. I then asked her how she rates her relationship with her parents. Perhaps getting to know how I play my game, she straight away said "Zero", so that I could not draw out from her something good that she feels about her parents, that could warrant a 1 or 2 at least. I then asked what her parents need to do to move her score from 0 to 1, to which she answered "they won't do anything".

Amongst us counsellors, we often joke about the experienced clients who have so much of counselling experience with different counsellors that they probably know what we are trying to do. In the above case, I sincerely hope the zero rating is unreal and that she is just being smart in avoiding my question. It is quite sad if that is her true feelings isn't it?

Sometimes it just bewilders me, the power of parental LOVE and its lack of.

Fight Flight Flow

Had a family get together yesterday.It was the first time I introduced my cat Miao Miao to my family.

My niece as usual brought her dog, Hammer, a mild mannered Schnauzer. When Miao2 first caught sight of Hammer, she exhibited a defensive alternated by flea behaviour, an instinctive Fight and Flight reaction. Only after sizing up Hammer, getting used to the new faces in the house and assured by our continuous presence, did she relax and warm up to the people around her. She ended up being a darling of the day. Her behaviour during the day can be best described as Flight, Fight and Flow.

One of my friends introduced me to the caption of these 3F words in Choice Therapy.In our life and in every threatened situation, these are the common approaches or attitude. Unfortunately due to developmental issues in life or some very deep imprints, many of us are stuck with either the Fight or Flight behaviour and find it difficult to move on to the Flow approach. Some people need to bulldoze, punish and control before they feel safe. Others seek to resign and submit at the distressed expense of own needs. To be in the flow requires an assessment of one's own needs versus those around you. Be aware and accept the fears inside us. We also recognise the fear that drive those around us to react. Having recognised these fears, reach for an agreement.

"Let go the belief that flowing is weak -- look at mighty mountains carved by streams.
Let go the fear that emotions will overwhelm you if you actually feel them -- look at the stone floating smoothly. (like those large stone balls floating on a cushion of water in fountains)
Let go the terror of being different -- look at the glorious rainbow of an ocean reef.
Let go your hurry to know it now -- look how long it's taking to find a cure for the common cold.
Let go the embarrassment of being wrong -- look at the stunning risks that have advanced human kind." - Joshua Freedman

If Miao2 had fled to hide or fought with Hammer, it would have spoilt the delightful moments we all had cooing and stroking it. Their advice to me "Go get another name for the cat. It deserves a better name". I thought about it and will go with the flow. Miao2 is fine because she responds with a sweet soft "meow..." when I call out "Miao2".

All About Emotional Intelligence from Six Seconds - Fight or Flow Part I: "Hit Back First"