Still Searching Phase 2

Is it time to move on to phase 2 or am I forever stucked at phase 1 haha?
A review is needed but to show some progress I just call it phase 2. Phase 1 saw me wondering about this and that; firstly did I make a stupid blunder in quitting my job and thoughts of retracking when opportunities still arose, feeling useless (especially when usefulness is measured by economic productivity or cash inflow), convincing myself of achieving satisfaction in other ways bla bla bla. Not that these dilemma is all over but probably going into a new year I may have a better idea what I don't want (spoilt hehe!) Hey that's some progress also, knowing what you can do without.

Ok I know I can not work again if it involves a lot of administrative details or justifying your actions or abiding with a lot of laid down policies (I know I know no one will employ me after reading this). That rules out social work. You see when I have to put up a report to seek financial aid for a client, I asked my colleague in exasperation "Must the client really fill up all these?" (refering to declaration and paper evidence of all assets, liabilities, payslips, CPF statements of everyone in the household, etc etc etc). My colleague answered me tersely, "They usually don't have much to declare lah". Oops of course but still. Sigh I never forget why I quit my previous job, too much bureaucracy and justification to do things. Well well that means I am a really poor candidate for employment. I also discover I am no angel to want to put up with these to help others.

However I discover something about myself this 1 & 1/2 years or so. I find children and teenagers like to talk to me and I enjoy talking to them. A few new found lady friends/acquaintances also share their very personal problems with me. I wonder whether it is because I am taking on a grandmotherly countenance? Flattering and NOT flattering at the same time. I have also been reflecting when I do tai-chi every sunday morning (although my master always says we should empty our mind and concentrate on the movements). As I am no saint I also covet for luxurious things. So I thought what will really give me pleasure is a luxurious home and luxurious travelling, no need for branded stuff and mingling with upper class. But living a life just soaking up such pleasures is also not good enough. So if I am given a choice I will have both luxurious living/travelling plus some activities that engage children and teenagers, some fulfilment in helping them or making them happy. Of course longer term I hope to have grandchildren but like in all things with my children, I am not pressurising and can only treat it as a bonus if that happens.

Such is my dream. The luxurious part, come to think of it is good to have but really is secondary to the fulfilment thingy. See, in the course of this 1 & 1/2 years I have also met clients, new acquaintances from my studies and practicum who live lives in different ways and that set me thinking too. I have met clients who just "huo zhe" (literally live on) and hope the next day will be better than today, childless couples who find so much joy just talking about their pets and generally people who do not reflect every weekend during taichi wondering what will make them happy(hahaha).

SO for the next phase I won't be thinking too much and reflecting less. I will continue with the school counselling activities, acquire more skills in this field, spruce up my home a bit, unclutter and decorate it a bit (to make it a bit more Bayan Tree like if at all possible) and will void my mind and concentrate on my movements during taichi class, i.e "huo zhe" at least during taichi class. And incidentally, a Siamese cat walked into my home and I feel like a mother of a toddler again!