Any feedback that assaults our ego is a blessing in disguise.
We want to open our cans of worms and look at them more closely.
We are not afraid to be blamed, cut down, shredded, or destroyed or to have our feelings hurt.
We want to free ourselves from all of ego’s attachments, not just some.
No matter how deep the pain, challenge, or panic, we welcome it.
We realize that the only real threat to our well being is self importance. This is what we need to renounce.
(Dzigar Kongtrul. Its Up to You.)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Two Lovely Women
Last week I attended the module on Family Therapy. My, I was so smitten by 2 women. First one is my lecturer, a lady about a year younger than me of Italian and Greek origin. She is so bubbly and real and her enthusiasm is so infectious. She works as a therapist in a children's hospital in Adelaide, lectures and is an experienced family therapist for more than 20 years. Not only is she clear and systematic in her delivery but enthuses such zest in her field. At the same time she is so authentic, admitting her nervousness when facing the class for the first time and when demonstrating in class at role plays. She is also humourous and admits her vanity and love for food. Yet like any women of my age she can be quite absent minded and is technology phobic and was so grateful when the class techies came to her aid. She can be really funny like halfway when watching a video, she can pause the player and comment: "I wish this guy can cut off his pony tail" or comment about a student's beautiful toe nails. During lunch, when I shared with her my recognition of poor parenting skills after attending this course, she normalised it by sharing her own weaknesses in parenting as well. All in all a woman so full of zest, loves what she is doing, totally real,not afraid to show her weaknesses and enjoys little things like food, beautiful dresses and hairpins etc; in short a lady who is very comfortable with herself.
The second woman is a well known family therapist who founded the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy together with her husband. I was reading her book just before the course and had the opportunity to watch her in action on DVD during the course. She was Korean but lived in the US. She passed away not long ago and at the time she made the DVD she was an old lady. The DVD showed her in therapy with an American family so dysfuntional and distraught with 3 suicidal members out of 4. She was consulted by the family's therapists to assist in the case as they were feeling drained and demoralised. Watching her in action what strikes me was the great respect she showed for each member of the family. Her very gentle ways, her congruence, her unruffled calmness when addressing the son when he was about to storm out of the room drew respect from the family and the viewers. She was also very real and could break out in uncontrollable chuckles when sharing some jokes with the family. She imparted to all trainee counsellors the importance of optimism and hope. She also showed us as long as we want to do good for the client/s, there was no room for the therapist to feel hurt or embarrassed when confronted with certain words or actions of the clients. In short again, a lady who respects every individual and is very comfortable with herself.
As I move on I really would like to be like them.
The second woman is a well known family therapist who founded the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy together with her husband. I was reading her book just before the course and had the opportunity to watch her in action on DVD during the course. She was Korean but lived in the US. She passed away not long ago and at the time she made the DVD she was an old lady. The DVD showed her in therapy with an American family so dysfuntional and distraught with 3 suicidal members out of 4. She was consulted by the family's therapists to assist in the case as they were feeling drained and demoralised. Watching her in action what strikes me was the great respect she showed for each member of the family. Her very gentle ways, her congruence, her unruffled calmness when addressing the son when he was about to storm out of the room drew respect from the family and the viewers. She was also very real and could break out in uncontrollable chuckles when sharing some jokes with the family. She imparted to all trainee counsellors the importance of optimism and hope. She also showed us as long as we want to do good for the client/s, there was no room for the therapist to feel hurt or embarrassed when confronted with certain words or actions of the clients. In short again, a lady who respects every individual and is very comfortable with herself.
As I move on I really would like to be like them.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Self Doubt Again
Just got a message from school. One of my young clients stayed inside the toilet refusing to come out. A case of social anxiety and absenteeism. I have met her for maybe 6 times. Sigh...another case of "No Effect this far". One of my ex-colleague ever asked about my volunteer school counselling "Any effect or not?" Her words cross my mind every time I am given negative feedback by the teachers about my clients.
In this kind of self doubt, upsetting mood, my conflicting thoughts go like this:
A: Gosh would I have been better off continuing in my old job as Treasurer, pandered by bankers and having authority over much?
B: No I would have been miserable because every obstacle put up by the legal division, every time my proposal is thrown out for revision, every irrational demand from above, every obnoxious behaviour of some and the anxieties over meeting certain people would have made my life quite miserable which I can do without; thank you very much (other than the money).
A: But am I doing the right thing spending money and time on a field (counselling) I am not even sure I am capable of doing (self doubt see)?
B: Hey why you give up so easily? If you don't try how you know whether it is suitable for you? You should commend yourself for gathering enough courage to leave your comfort (though discomfortable) zone (job) to search for something you like (ie. follow your heart). Anyhow why you so thin skinned? Even your supervisor says he has counselled someone for 4 long years and that guy still dropped out of school. Besides no one is a born counsellor and as you pick up your skill, some people have to be your guinea pigs along the way.
A: But I chide myself often for not giving enough thought and research for each case, I am angry with myself for the lack of earnestness and diligence.
A: Hey actually I don't really have to do anything. I can actually play mahjong, go club and attend singing classes quite happily, why put myself to all these unnecessary dilemma?
B: Hmmm.... I don't know. I think you will feel even more miserable at the end of each day as a Lady of Leisure.
A: So is this a dire need of self glorification?
B: Hmmm....Not sure leh. Maybe it is a bit of it, but not really also, because I don't really care much about what people think of me.
A: But is it what you yourself need, i.e. an image which you yourself has to be comfortable with?
B: (At this juncture I took a pause and sipped my fruit juice) Hmmm....feeling a bit uncomfortable with this question huh? Maybe it is you know, I must ponder over it.
A&B: Aiya never mind lah, even if I don't end up being a counsellor, I have enjoyed the course anyhow; and mind you this is the only course in my life that I enjoy other than history subject in school (which was marred by having to take exams!!!).
So after working so hard for so many donkey years, I have a right to spend money on a course I enjoy right. If things don't turn out right I will just be a Lady of Leisure lor when the course ends.
In this kind of self doubt, upsetting mood, my conflicting thoughts go like this:
A: Gosh would I have been better off continuing in my old job as Treasurer, pandered by bankers and having authority over much?
B: No I would have been miserable because every obstacle put up by the legal division, every time my proposal is thrown out for revision, every irrational demand from above, every obnoxious behaviour of some and the anxieties over meeting certain people would have made my life quite miserable which I can do without; thank you very much (other than the money).
A: But am I doing the right thing spending money and time on a field (counselling) I am not even sure I am capable of doing (self doubt see)?
B: Hey why you give up so easily? If you don't try how you know whether it is suitable for you? You should commend yourself for gathering enough courage to leave your comfort (though discomfortable) zone (job) to search for something you like (ie. follow your heart). Anyhow why you so thin skinned? Even your supervisor says he has counselled someone for 4 long years and that guy still dropped out of school. Besides no one is a born counsellor and as you pick up your skill, some people have to be your guinea pigs along the way.
A: But I chide myself often for not giving enough thought and research for each case, I am angry with myself for the lack of earnestness and diligence.
A: Hey actually I don't really have to do anything. I can actually play mahjong, go club and attend singing classes quite happily, why put myself to all these unnecessary dilemma?
B: Hmmm.... I don't know. I think you will feel even more miserable at the end of each day as a Lady of Leisure.
A: So is this a dire need of self glorification?
B: Hmmm....Not sure leh. Maybe it is a bit of it, but not really also, because I don't really care much about what people think of me.
A: But is it what you yourself need, i.e. an image which you yourself has to be comfortable with?
B: (At this juncture I took a pause and sipped my fruit juice) Hmmm....feeling a bit uncomfortable with this question huh? Maybe it is you know, I must ponder over it.
A&B: Aiya never mind lah, even if I don't end up being a counsellor, I have enjoyed the course anyhow; and mind you this is the only course in my life that I enjoy other than history subject in school (which was marred by having to take exams!!!).
So after working so hard for so many donkey years, I have a right to spend money on a course I enjoy right. If things don't turn out right I will just be a Lady of Leisure lor when the course ends.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
In defence of GREED
So it is a historical moment to be remembered isn't it, this global financial turmoil which saw our own STI dropped a whopping 15% in just a week diving below 2000 with no end in sight.
One year ago when reviewing the performance of my equity portfolio, I prided myself over an annualised return of >20% per annum over the 4 year period when I started to invest in equities in a more serious way. At that time I almost wanted to liquidate some bonds to be more "pro-active" in managing my money.
Yesterday my equity portfolio performance dropped to a meagre 4% annualised return over the same 5 year period , i.e. ALL THE TROUBLE FOR NOTHING. My heart ached when I thought of the opportunity lost. If only I had liquidated everything one year ago! To make matters worse I also succumbed to some pressure from cold and soft selling by bank RMs, putting a bit of money into "alternative investments" they call it. I am now holding my breath on these. Ahh...a very good lesson on GREED I reckoned. But hold on... was I?
One year ago if you walked into any bank just to deposit a cheque or update your bank book a bank officer will offer to help you and then preached about negative return when your money does not generate returns higher than the inflation rate. If I do not recall wrongly, there were also repeated articles written by financial planners who advised investing your money in unit trusts (managed by experts) to ensure sufficient returns for retirement. Then there were constant reminders that no one can time the market and one should always invest for long term. With all these brain washing and coupled with some nasty experiences of watching your stocks defying gravity everytime you cashed out, who can accuse me of being GREEDY not to take profit one year ago???
In retrospect I might be more of being stupid than being greedy. See, if I have followed Warren Buffet's advice, to invest or stay invested when you see value, I would have gotten out of stocks which seemed ridiculously overvalued THEN. The fact that I did not can only be explained by 1) laziness to do serious research and 2) underlying GREED. So can't run away also GREEDY lah.
One year ago when reviewing the performance of my equity portfolio, I prided myself over an annualised return of >20% per annum over the 4 year period when I started to invest in equities in a more serious way. At that time I almost wanted to liquidate some bonds to be more "pro-active" in managing my money.
Yesterday my equity portfolio performance dropped to a meagre 4% annualised return over the same 5 year period , i.e. ALL THE TROUBLE FOR NOTHING. My heart ached when I thought of the opportunity lost. If only I had liquidated everything one year ago! To make matters worse I also succumbed to some pressure from cold and soft selling by bank RMs, putting a bit of money into "alternative investments" they call it. I am now holding my breath on these. Ahh...a very good lesson on GREED I reckoned. But hold on... was I?
One year ago if you walked into any bank just to deposit a cheque or update your bank book a bank officer will offer to help you and then preached about negative return when your money does not generate returns higher than the inflation rate. If I do not recall wrongly, there were also repeated articles written by financial planners who advised investing your money in unit trusts (managed by experts) to ensure sufficient returns for retirement. Then there were constant reminders that no one can time the market and one should always invest for long term. With all these brain washing and coupled with some nasty experiences of watching your stocks defying gravity everytime you cashed out, who can accuse me of being GREEDY not to take profit one year ago???
In retrospect I might be more of being stupid than being greedy. See, if I have followed Warren Buffet's advice, to invest or stay invested when you see value, I would have gotten out of stocks which seemed ridiculously overvalued THEN. The fact that I did not can only be explained by 1) laziness to do serious research and 2) underlying GREED. So can't run away also GREEDY lah.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Trust a woman to ask the right question
I am watching the Presidential debate
Best question asked so far was by a woman:
"How can I trust both of you with our money when both parties got us into this financial crisis"
Best question asked so far was by a woman:
"How can I trust both of you with our money when both parties got us into this financial crisis"
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Styles of family communication
Virginia Satir ( a well know family therapist from the 50s to 80s )classified styles of communication within families into 5 categories:
The Placater: Always tries to please, agrees and apologizes all the time and acts weak.
The Blamer: Always blames another for things that go wrong, dominates and is self righteous. Eg. "He is just like you, that's the way you raise him"
The Super-Reasonable: Remains detached, calm, cool, trying hard not to be emotionally involved.
The Irrelevant: Distracts others, never taking any position, afraid to offend. Eg in the midst of a family dispute could ask what is for dinner.
The Congruent Communicator: Real, expressive and sends genuine messages.
What are probably their inner feelings?
Placater : Worthless without the rest, "I am just here to make you happy"
Blamer: Lonely and feelings of failure and reacts by attacking as a cover up.
Super Reasonable: Vulnerable and hides behind their intellect to conceal real feelings.
Irrelevant: No significance, acts cute and harmless to gain approval.
The congruent communicator (which every member should strive to be within a family) has the confidence and self esteem to be themselves and to express their real thoughts and feelings.
The Placater: Always tries to please, agrees and apologizes all the time and acts weak.
The Blamer: Always blames another for things that go wrong, dominates and is self righteous. Eg. "He is just like you, that's the way you raise him"
The Super-Reasonable: Remains detached, calm, cool, trying hard not to be emotionally involved.
The Irrelevant: Distracts others, never taking any position, afraid to offend. Eg in the midst of a family dispute could ask what is for dinner.
The Congruent Communicator: Real, expressive and sends genuine messages.
What are probably their inner feelings?
Placater : Worthless without the rest, "I am just here to make you happy"
Blamer: Lonely and feelings of failure and reacts by attacking as a cover up.
Super Reasonable: Vulnerable and hides behind their intellect to conceal real feelings.
Irrelevant: No significance, acts cute and harmless to gain approval.
The congruent communicator (which every member should strive to be within a family) has the confidence and self esteem to be themselves and to express their real thoughts and feelings.
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