Childhood Home- lifelong setting

The setting of my dreams is mostly at my home in KL where I lived for 10 years from the age of 5 to 15. I have thereafter also stayed in 3 separate homes in Singapore for about 10 years each, but my dreams rarely occurred at these later homes. Thus I feel early childhood experiences, especially at the age when our world was ruled by 'big people' have lasting impact in our subconscious mind. What is often important in dream interpretation is to identify the feeling, ie. how one feels during the dream or immediately upon waking up. Usually a recent event/situation may have evoked feelings which we associate with similar feelings encountered during our childhood at home.

Watching the children in the children's home where I volunteered makes me wonder how the experience of living in an institution away from home will impact them. When I observe the sand stories played out by the children at sandplay therapy sessions, some common themes surface. Amongst my collection of symbols, a castle and a stone cottage are often picked and featured in the sand stories, most likely reflecting a longing for a real home. Some of these children do not even have a permanent place outside which they can call home. One child instead of picking a cottage, built a wall using the sand and placed pieces of furniture to demarcate a home; but only to crumble the wall and bury the furniture, the futility of it all.

Although for some of us, our childhood home may not necessary be a symbol of love and security, it nevertheless was THE  place to go back to at the end of each day.

Will these children be deprived even of a permanent setting for their life long dreams; I wonder.

Rant of a silver hair ageist

Read about this "Silver Co-op", a social entreprise, that organizes group vacations for people over 40 with itineraries that cater to the needs of silver hair citizens including visiting places less energy demanding, providing food less oily and salty and including more TOILET BRAKES (which incidentally my husband would appreciate :) )

Honestly I am not sure whether I would like to travel with them. Though I am not athletic by nature I would really prefer to travel with a younger group and see whether I can stretch myself further. I recall myself and my husband joining a middle aged Australian hiker-couple going on a highland trek at Lombok. Though my feet went shaky at the relatively rough terrain and was fearful of slipping and falling, I had no choice but to keep up with the group, with my husband literally pulling me up at times.Oh Boy what I would have missed if I had chickened out.

There is another aspect one has to tolerate when moving with an elderly group. The common one-mindedness trait can be a test on one's patience. Gosh don't I sound like one silver haired ageist bitch!

I have many such encounters when talking to supposedly more enlightened elderly investors at company AGMs during receptions. One particular old man grilled me as to why I queried the company on its zero gearing during question time. "Why do you want the company to be in debt?" he charged whilst I tried to explain to him the concept of optimal WACC (weighted average cost of capital). I patiently tried to parallel it with an example of how we geared up for personal investment in property, but he was too fixed in the mind about the risk/evil of being in debt to really take in anything I said. I gave up and terminated our conversation with a sigh and "never mind".

Reading about this co-operative got me into thinking what we the silver-hair people really need. We need some patient and sacrificial young volunteers to organize discussion groups amongst elderly people banded by age and education. The golden rule to abide at such discussion sessions is to have an open mind. So let's say with a ratio of 10 seniors to 2 or 3 youngsters, a topic can be put forward for discussion or an article to be read before hand. But mind you I am not referring to feed back groups on government policies organised by government (yawn). I am referring to random topics which can be something in the news or certain social behaviour or even out of nowhere topics like how much sleep do we need?", topics along the lines of questions posted in Quora perhap.

I myself am fortunate or unfortunate enough  to have children who often unceremoniously remind me of my narrow outlook and out-datedness in knowledge. So I receive regular links to read or ignore (irrespective) in their attempt to keep me abreast of how the young think and do.  I can't say I am pleased to be told such but if I swallow my pride and explore more it does change my outlook. I also must say sometimes I choose to ignore and tell myself it is too exhausting to make sense of this fast changing world, "who cares" and "so be it" and "I like being the sleepy frog in the well".

However if we do take some time to reflect upon our own experiences, how we were often proven wrong from initial impressions or fixed ideas or stubborn blindness, we may start taking small steps to open up.

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.” -Isaac Asimov


Next time I will say to some old man "give your mind a scrub"and if he retorts with remarks that imply “我吃的盐比你吃的米多” I will sigh and say "never mind" and scrub mine instead.

A Confluence of Factors

When you watch a bunch of sticks burning have you wondered who the fire's parents are? The sticks and the matches probably because they created the fire. How about the wind that flamed the fire or the person who started the fire? If the fire spread to nearby vegetation causing a forest fire who bears the blame? How about the arid condition of the forest itself?

Watching the video clip of the tragic ferry disaster in South Korea is quite heart wrenching, especially how the students could have been saved had the situation been managed differently. Another needless tragedy was the suicide of the vice principal of the school who felt responsible for the death of the high school students for he had pushed for the field trip to Jeju and was saved from the ferry. Upon further reflection various factors have been discussed, one being the Korean culture of respect for elders and authority. It has been wondered had the students been a bunch of American kids would they have ignored the instruction to stay in their cabins. I think it is not just about obedience but of respecting that the authorities would know what is best for the good of everyone, in this case an orderly evacuation. The video clip showing the captain climbing out onto a rescue boat before his crew and other passengers has drawn public anger but also explanatory comments that it is common for Koreans to let their elders and higher ranked colleagues priority when evacuating in a dangerous situation. In the light of comments about how the Korean culture has partly to be blamed for the disaster, parents who lost their children may even blame themselves for instilling strict unflinching obedience in their children.

Alas this blaming game will certainly bring about immense pain and guilt. If the vice principal could see that his approval/pushing for the trip was just one condition out of many many factors that contributed to the disaster he might feel less afflicted. Like the metaphor of the fire that I described above, he alone could not have brought about the disaster, so many conditions happened together gave rise to it like in a confluence of rare factors that causes a perfect storm.

In fact even in our everyday life we are so inclined to blaming and often suffer from being blamed. The most toxic habit is of course blaming oneself endlessly. I think we will have more peace if we remember that in any one event so many factors often beyond one's control or even in one's knowledge are at play.

Even if we are the match that strikes and builds the fire, we certainly have no intention nor power to singularly cause a forest fire.

不要想太多

Have you ever been troubled and people advise you 不要想太多(don't think too much). Tall order isn't it. Surely if you can you wouldn't be troubled in the first place. Such advice is as useless and unhelpful as telling a bereaved person not to feel sad. Especially for a person prone to worries the tendency to ruminate could have become a habit over the years.

What can be more helpful is either teaching the sufferer techniques on how not to ruminate or better still explain the logic behind the 不要想太多advice.

So under the first method you share with the person ways to literally block the ruminations, like being engaged with some activity that requires total absorption eg. gardening, reading, exercise, chanting, meditation or whatever hobbies a person is passionate about. Being immersed in such activities hijacks the person's bewildered mind and provides relief and a feel good effect. It may then dawn on the person that problems can co-exist side by side with states of well-being in life.

A more steadfast solution could be to cultivate the habit of being aware of one's thoughts and emotions, although this needs hardwork and commitment. Observing one's thoughts and emotions first recognises that they exist before being lost in them. Like a bystander watching the relentless flow of thoughts rising and receding, one notices how the thoughts affect the emotions and vice versa in a witch dance. The conditions giving rise to them like certain self beliefs and social / cultural conditioning then become evident. One then understands why thoughts can creep up without  effort and how they can likewise just fade away if one does not attend to them. It also dawns on one that the world created inside one's head is unreal and changes with different thoughts and emotions. If one does not think 'that' way, 'that' world does not exist. Given how thin and tenuous the world created by thoughts is, one should therefore Not Think too Much 不要想太多.

The Lazy Investor

I am an awfully lazy investor. Every year around this time  I will stack up all the hard copies of new company annual reports received through the post. I then remove the pile of untouched old AR from the cabinet and replaced it with the new stack. This has been repeated year after year. I suppose I go through this meaningless routine each year believing I will find some time to know a bit more about the companies I have invested in, or rather find the interest to do so. (Maybe you can call it professional fatigue but I don't enjoy reading financial statements now).

I usually attend the Annual General Meetings of the smaller companies which are not covered by analysts as well as companies which I contemplate gaining or reducing exposure. At these AGMs when people ask the management very detailed questions often beginning with "Can I refer you to page XX of the AR" I will inevitably  tell myself I need to be more diligent and more informed on what I am investing in. Lazy investors like me who hope to be enlightened at AGMs can only pray for more questions being raised and a good buffet spread as an icing.

In particular I will be most delighted when youngish investors ask very in-depth questions. I have a feeling some of them are full time investors. At times I see the same faces of these 'serious investors' at different AGMs. Spotting them gives me a little comfort that I share the same investment they have decided on after doing their detailed homework. It is a bit like a lazy student copying the work of a diligent one, although Warren Buffet's golden rule is never invest in anything you don't know well.

Attending these AGMs sometimes makes me nostalgic too, especially when questions are raised about the company's financing plans. The standard and familiar answers are similar to responses I used to rehearse and prepare when participating in my ex-company's road shows. In addition spotting familiar faces in the panel of board directors sitting on the stage brings back memories of days when they were in my company's board; and how I struggled to answer their grilling queries on papers put up for approval. Then there are the supporting staff running around to facilitate the AGMs, probably staff from Corp Com or PR departments. They remind me of the extensive preparation for corporate events and it makes me feel like I have missed out on something after I have stopped working. Joining the long queue at the reception after the AGM can make one feel even more deprived lol.

Nevertheless in everything there is the pros and cons. With the knowledge that the company will be distributing consistent dividend I will feel recharged and top the outing with a shopping spree, diligently spending the returns as a lazy investor.

Worldly Winds

Read the shocking revelation about Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister contender in India, . It was when he declared himself as married  whilst filing his candidate papers that the public realised he has a wife. After the arranged marriage, he apparently convinced her to return to her parents' home to pursue her studies and then deserted her for 45 years ie. no contact. She, a retired teacher, is now a subject of media frenzy, used both as a pawn by Modi's rivals to tarnish him and at the same time by his supporters to boost his image for having an ideal Indian wife who is described as "obedient, dutiful, submissive and self-sacrificing". Apparently she is a very simple woman who fasts and prays for his welfare, owns only 5 saris, never demands anything and "accepts what comes her way".

To me this is a classic case of Fame and Shame, for both husband and wife,  depending on how people view it. Here lies the catch, the views are held by others, it is beyond one's control. Poor woman, I wonder how she is managing the unwanted limelight. I am sure she is not very well received by the young educated Indian women who have been protesting against gender inequality and disrespect since the Delhi rape incident. Will her husband end up blaming her if the situation dampens his chances?

Indeed Fame and Shame are just 2 of the 8 Worldly Winds that torment us. The other 6, usually mentioned in pairs include Praise & Blame, Gain & Loss, Pleasure & Pain. To abide by Buddhist teachings one should try not to be too affected by these winds which blow afflictions. Indeed a glance through the daily newspapers provide sufficient evidence,albeit of more severe examples. Today's news includes a senior banker who is accused of taking upskirt videos ( a case of lust for momentary pleasure, probably to distract some internal pain) and a divorced woman who is denied a monthly maintenance because she was already awarded close to $4m out of her husbands $10m assets (gain vs loss).Closer to everyday life, don't we all desire for praise/validation and are stabbed by blame at work and at home?

The 8 Worldly Winds blows all of us by varying speeds. Very often it comes and goes beyond our control. All we can do is be firm and avoid being uprooted in our mind.
It's a mind game.

A blessed day

Sometines luck comes in small ways. Due to a flight cancellation by Tigers Airway, we had to shorten our trip at Lombok, Indonesia to a 2-night stay. I was quite pissed to fly more than 2 hours for such a short trip. So we planned to do everything on the only full day we have which was a Saturday . After a super early breakfast we took  a walk to another beach. The rain overnight had cooled the otherwise intensely hot and humid weather (worse than Singapore) and a rainbow overhead promised a good start. The unspoilt southern tip of Lombok is really quite remote and looks very much like Trengganu 20 years ago. Cows are seen grazing everywhere and there is hardly any traffic. Back at the hotel by 10am the cloudy sky was superb for canoeing. It is always a battle when comes to canoeing with my husband on a double seater. He always insists to venture far out into the open sea but hello the high waves at these beaches are best for surfing! Nevertheless whilst watching out for the incoming waves we  spotted a one meter sea creature jumping up and disappearing into the sea. In a flash, the gray creature with white underside looked like a dolpin with a long rope attached to its tail. What a bonus! On further thought it was more likely a sting ray with a long tail and not a rope. Hmmm... sighting a rainbow and a jumping sting ray in one morning gladdens the heart.

In the early afternoon with ginger oil and pulp spread all over my whole body and my husband's quiet hissing snore from the nearby massage bed, I drifted into a trance. I wonder why I never get this effect with masseuse in Singapore, but very often these Indonesian or Thai masseuse, especially the matronly ones with their warm thick palms, make me feel so comfortable and at ease that I never fail to associate those healing touches with basic motherly love and care. "Yes a perfect mother is one who comforts and soothes away your troubles, that's all there is to it".

Some reviewer in Tripadvisor has strongly recommended a trip to Tanjung Aan (TA) which is near to Novotel where we stayed. We almost missed it because one hotel staff misinformed us that it was just a 20 minute walk away and we thought we could leave it to Sunday morning before the return flight home. Luck was on our side and we found out quite accidentally that the hotel does organise a trek to TA every Saturday afternoon. So we and another couple found ourselves in a small van bumping its way over unpaved and steep country roads to TA which took 25 minutes. A magnificent panoramic scene awaits us at the top of the hillock looking down at a heart shaped bay, cows grazing on soft hills and foaming white waves in the distant sea, all stunningly beautiful amidst  the golden glow of the setting sun. Yet another blessing on a perfect day.