Put Them in Words

I have a feeling people reading my blog may walk away thinking I live on cloud nine everyday. I don't know about other bloggers, but it is difficult to share your inner most thoughts and deepest feelings to the whole world. I have clients who would not share their fears or sadness even with their siblings and close friends. Somehow we tend to put up a front to others that all is well. Only counsellors get the "privilege" to hear and see the darker side because they are strangers.

For me, the way to tackle the "blues" is to put them in words whether on blog or personal journal. On the flip side sharing an amusing thought or anecdote in writing also enhances the joy or delight of the experience. The latter of course is easier to do than the former on a blog.

Yes I may perhaps be on the right path finding the things which bring some form of fulfilment but I still have emotional baggages to work on. These are mainly anxieties and excessive worries, for example over my children's well being. Although, I have learnt about cluttered minds and the techniques (cognitive, gestalt etc,etc) to help clients see light and gain awareness; applying on myself, I find the progress slow and painstaking.

One day when I manage to heal myself completely I may write a book about my journey, a first person account incorporating the strategies or therapies applied. Wow, this very thought motivates me to work harder on myself!!!

That is all I want

So far today seems a day which is probably what I do not mind to be replicated going forth. I woke up at 7+am, leisurely dressed up, leisurely took my breakfast whilst taking in the headlines (and the page in Business Time that may compel any urgent equity trade online ), bode the cat goodbye and headed for the school. At school whilst waiting for the students to finish their assembly, did a bit of reading and preparation. When the students started to stream out, went to distribute appointment slips to 2 clients. Along the way 3 other students called out to me from their classroom window to update me or tell me something interesting. One of them whose case is supposed to be closed, asked to resume counselling because he feels very stressed. These encounters made me feel good and paved the day (ego and self righteousness perhaps). The 2 clients were punctual and expressive. Generally a good day at school.

At 12 I left school, went to the "fan cai (rice & vege)" stall and bought lunch to enjoy at home. The "fan cai" includes the simple fried pork, omelette and shredded green melon which is my favourite. The food tasted so good. Though it was nothing compared to the shark fin in superior broth that I relished at my previous job (when bankers invited my big bosses and I tagged along), this afternoon's lunch had another pleasant taste, warm, nice and didn't make you feel lethargic and overindulged.

Now posting this entry after lunch, I am looking forward to my afternoon nap. You know by far the biggest, most intensely felt, most beneficial thing about not WORKING is enjoying afternoon naps. When I was working I used to feel at lunch time "the best thing in life is taking afternoon nap at home".

So what I want is really quite simple, going to school for 3 hours to do a bit of good by lending a patient ear and doing a bit of counselling, having a good warm lunch followed by a nap, having the beautiful cat snoozing peacefully beside me whilst I type an entry in my blog; AND generally no display of moodiness and grievances from my family members (although this is probably the area I have least control of when they come home). Of course going forward no more nasty surprises from the financial market would be really good too.

REALLY a day like that is all that I want!

The Family Court Experience

One of my clients requested that I accompany her to the Family Court. She has applied for a PPO (Personal Protection Order) against her husband who often hit her. On the day of hearing both spouses have to turn up in court and she fears her husband might turn aggressive. I assured her he would not dare do that in court but she was quite insistent. Sigh, so I sought advisc from my boss half hoping that it is not the practice to accompany clients to court. "That is part of the work of a social worker", my boss assured me. So last week I stepped into the Family Court at Havelock Road.

My my was I impressed. "Wow this is like a hotel" I mumbled as I stepped in. The waiting area is quite well furnished with lots of sofas and generally is quite warm and cosy. There is also a play room for the kids. I suppose this is intended to provide the ambience for the last attempt in reconciliation.

The wait was horrendous. There were at least 10 names for the same time slot. We waited for more than 2 hours. When we got tired of talking I spent my time people watching. It is not surprising when each couples' names are called, a lady from one section of the room and a guy from another section of the room went forward, estranged so behave like strangers ma. But what is amazing is quite a few very genteel and refined looking ladies would go into the court room with "da er nong" looking (illegal money lender) ruffians. "Gosh what has gone wrong, why this woman end up with this man?" I thought to myself.

After 2 hours wait, we were ushered into the court room. There were about 4 to 5 rows of seats filled with people waiting for their case to be mentioned. There were 2 ladies sitting on my right whilst my client sat on my left. After some time my stomach started to growl in the quietness of the court room. The first lady on my right said to the lady beside her, "It is not me" and they looked at each other knowingly. To save my embarrassment I whispered to them "It's me, I think they should at least provide biscuits!" Following my remark the lady on my right took out a small tupperware with New Year Goodies and offered me. So, I helped myself to a small cupcake. Just as I gave it a bite, a policeman appeared at the aisle and signal to me that eating is not allowed. I signal to him my apology and hid my hand holding the cupcake beneath the seat. See I didn't want to leave the room because I wanted to hear the proceedings of this arrogant young man in the box giving excuses for not turning up for counselling and being absent for the previous summon. He was saying he mistook the date to be 18th Jan instead of 8 Jan and the lady judge told him she was giving him the benefit of the doubt, and then she demanded "Do I hear an apology?" to which the arrogant young man said tersely "I apologise for that".

At this point I quickly stuffed the remaining cupcake into my mouth hoping to be done with it. Quick as a ghost the policeman appeared again. He really must have been watching me. This time round he pointed to the door. Ah Well, he is right, this is no picnic ground.This is no movie theatre either. So I left the room to gobble down my cup cake. When I returned the arrogant young man was no more in the box.

My client's husband did not turn up and will be issued a warrant of arrest, which means another date of hearing will be set and this time round he better appear and give some excuses for not turning up. Gosh I hope my client will not ask me to accompany her again because I am not sure how to handle the situation if they start to quarrel after the hearing outside the court, sigh. Court room drama is only exciting if you are a spectator.

****ing parents and feline saviour

Once my young client left the room, I let out an expletive "****ing parents". The tormented soul of the boy was brought about because his parents have been telling him since he was young "How I wish you have never been born" and "if not for you and your sister, we would have divorced long ago".He and his sister grew up in a war torn zone of flying temper.

The boy's thoughts are very twisted. He declares he hates everyone in this world other than the kids living in poverty in third world countries.His discourse makes me rather worried about him. I asked him how he managed to live in such difficult conditions for so long. He said his cat provided comfort and companionship. So I showed him the picture of Miao2 in my handphone and we had a delightful exchange of the fur colour of both cats. See, told ya, keeping cats or pets are rewarding!

What Next?

Today is the last day I have to attend class for my Master in Counselling. After that itis working on group project, meeting assignment dateline and practicum hours before passing out. If everything goes on well, all should be completed by April.

The question then is "What's next?" What are my choices and again which road to take? People have suggested being a trainer of some sort in addition to counselling and I have often dismissed that. I never envisage myself as a trainer but again how would I know if I don't try. Pure counselling can be draining. It is like catching people falling off the cliff as my lecturer puts it. Why not think about building a fence round the cliff so that people won't fall off? By that we mean conducting workshops on life skills etc.

So again the dilemma, again the choices? But I always refer to a scrap book which my daughter made for me as a Birthday present last year. On the first page she pasted a photograph of me pulling a trolley along Manhattan. Below the picture were the following words:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference."

Robert Frost

Dress down for counselling

My wardrobe of office attire is in danger of growing mildew. Often I tried to wear them when doing my practicum but found them not suitable. When I counsel students at the school, I try to dress less formal and a bit smart casual. Of late however, I find I have to dress down when counselling at the Family Service Centre. You can not expect your client to believe you when you say "I understand your hardship" and look resplendent in your expensive looking clothes and shoes ( see I am quite good at buying cheap stuff that looks expensive!).

I have a client that poured out her pain relating how her husband told her blatantly that "yes he is flirting with a KTV lounge waitress, bu ke yi ma? (cannot ha?)". So to avoid a nervous breakdown she is determined to put her child in childcare and look for a job. To do so however she needs about $1000+ comprising deposit, first month fee etc which she can't get from her husband. He objects to her working and enjoys the power over her helpless dependence on him. She puts me to shame with her quickness in numbers while I struggle to catch up. "All I need is $380" she declared whilst I was still struggling, counting the first month fees, uniform, books and assuming we got approval for installment payments etc, etc.

"My problem will be solved if I have $380", she slouched into the sofa and sighed. I looked at her, my mind twirling with thoughts.I could just give or lend her $380 but I can't do that. It is not appropriate and if I do that I will probably go down as the most popular counsellor with a long queue of clients. Mind you she was not asking for money from our FSC but came for counselling, distressed over her husband's infidelity.

That day after the session with her I went to collect a new pair of spectacles. Whilst making payment of $500 ( very reasonable pricing right? ) I can't help but feel a bit guilty because I don't really need another pair. Now it dawns on me why the government pays social workers and counsellors so poorly. It probably knows they will never be extravagant.

Glad to be deceived

Back to counselling at the school!

Today I talked to a girl who ran away from home during the school holidays, a sweet and soft spoken girl. She detests her parents whom she declares as irresponsible because they apparently dumped her at her uncle's home since primary 3 and do not care two hoots about her well being. She lives with grandma, an unmarried uncle who is a teacher and an unmarried aunty who together take on the parent role. This highly cognitive and rational thinking girl acknowledges their concern for her but says though grateful has completely no feelings for her aunt and uncle. The more they want to control and discipline her the more she wants to rebel and run away from "home".

To break the ice and start the ball rolling I usually get my young clients to rate their level of satisfaction (where 0 is extremely unhappy and 10 extremely happy) with 1) themselves 2) life at home and 3) their school life. The girl rated them as 5, 2 and 8 respectively.

Using the solution focused therapy, I asked what makes her rate life at home as 2 and not 1 or 0, to which the girl replied that her 12 year old brother brings her that 2 points of happiness at home. She then went on to talk with delight how she plays with and coaches him. I of course affirmed her care and love for her brother. I then asked her how she rates her relationship with her parents. Perhaps getting to know how I play my game, she straight away said "Zero", so that I could not draw out from her something good that she feels about her parents, that could warrant a 1 or 2 at least. I then asked what her parents need to do to move her score from 0 to 1, to which she answered "they won't do anything".

Amongst us counsellors, we often joke about the experienced clients who have so much of counselling experience with different counsellors that they probably know what we are trying to do. In the above case, I sincerely hope the zero rating is unreal and that she is just being smart in avoiding my question. It is quite sad if that is her true feelings isn't it?

Sometimes it just bewilders me, the power of parental LOVE and its lack of.