Does sufferings make you stronger?

 

In an article in the ST on 1 Dec 2023 "Some Suffering is just suffering, It does not make you stronger", Prof Chong Siow Ann thinks that some traumatic experiences make it difficult for people to "rebuild" themselves into "better human beings". He contends that he could not have fully comprehended the enormous sufferings and anguish of certain of his patients like those who have killed or caused the deaths of their closed ones in moments of delusion or mental incapacity. He also alluded to the immense hellish sufferings of war raining on civilians like the Israel/Palestinian crisis. 

It is widely accepted that post traumatic growth is possible among sufferers who "recast their lives in the most positive ways and extracts new meanings." Prof Chong quoted Victor Frankl who opined that the prisoners of the holocaust who held on to the future and found meaning in life survived less scarred. Prof Chong himself has witnessed that in some of his own patients. 

However he went on to say that not all people can muster enough energy and will to forge this transformation. Here Prof Chong quoted Paul Bloom a Yale developmental psychologist who casts doubt on the prevalence of post traumatic growth calling it the "myth of redemptive suffering". In fact this "myth" may have been a double whammy for sufferers who are expected to recover and come out stronger.

Prof Chong reckoned that people are unique and it isn't fair to impose on his patients this preconceived notion of redemptive suffering. Indeed sometimes he finds it hard to tell his patients who have been through horrendous losses that they could find something positive in their suffering. "Occasionally, their suffering compounded my sense of helplessness and made me wish, like a coward, that I wouldn't have to see them", was how he described his helplessness and how he then lends a listening ear while conveying to them that he too feels their pain.

I think many counsellors like me can relate (be it of milder intensity) when Prof Chong describes how he sometimes finds it difficult to tell his patients to think positive as he himself does not bear that conviction. Sometimes I do feel like a fake when encouraging my counselees to think positive , doubting whether I myself can do so when put in similar dire circumstances. However like how Prof Chong describes it, I think most of them do find some catharsis and relief when they walk out knowing someone feels their pain. 

Probably some statements of redemptive growth will dawn on them when healing takes place over time.

Walk the talk and more

 

Of late I have been preaching a lot about positive thinking but not sure I am walking the talk. At the workshop which I conduct for children from divorced families, one of the tools taught to cope with their feelings is to change thoughts and activities when the going gets tough. Similarly at another counselling sessions with an adult, I shared with her about how continuous rumination of negative thoughts saps one's energy. I wonder whether this really works for them.

Every morning when I wake up I turn on the tv to get the latest news update. In the order of severity there would now be news coverage on the human tragedy of the Israel/Palestinian crisis, an update of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, catastrophe brought about by climate changes, fear of another pandemic arising from unknown pathogen and occasional irrational shooting incidents. The newsreels on children being killed or trying to survive in bombed hospitals is really heart wrenching. Perhaps that coupled with a close friend's account of near death experience makes me feel moody occasionally, especially during the first moments when I wake up.

Of course I do not have the time to really dwell in the existential angst of death and meaning of life. I have a routine to follow. In that respect I do practice what I taught ie. instead of lying on bed and ruminating I get up and busy myself (switching my thoughts and activities). Does that mean however that I have to fill my day with endless activities both physical and mental? 

Now this is when it is difficult to impart to the children, to observe your emotions without judgement (it is neither good nor bad, it's just being human), allow it to be there and see it shifts or pass. That in itself is catharsis. 

"Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance". | Deepak Chopra

In another Realm

 

A close friend's sharing of being in a coma for over a week from a critical illness and how she heard God/Spiritual voices has an impact on me. It sets me googling into NDE (near death experiences). Many who have such encounters described it as being with an immense light that emanates unconditional love and peace. The Christians among them thought of 'It' as God or Jesus. I also seek a scientific clinical explanation which speculates that when the brain is deprived of blood the mind begins to have illusions while the narrowing of the retina causes vision of brightness through a tunnel. 

I can not conclude whether NDEs is biological or spiritual. However I begin to understand the message my friend wishes to impart ie. to contemplate the fragility of life. She being a Christian may be concerned about my after life. Indeed she is totally right. Shouldn't we be working towards the probable eternity instead of focusing on the desires of the short span of this earthly life.

One thing that strikes me when reading all the NDE accounts is the description of unconditional love and the realm beyond time and space. It brings to my mind that we do not have information about everything (the universe and beyond) and what we perceive of our world may be like how an ant views its own world. So certainly there could be a realm beyond this earthly life. What is good to remember is 'Unconditional Love' being described as the essence of this realm. 

Be it felt as the Christian God's unconditional love or the Buddhist precept of loving kindness, love seems to be the overriding experience in the realm of NDEs. That perhaps should be our beacon while we walk this earthly journey. 

The Chinese Matrix

 

Just returned from a package tour of the Dongbei (North East) region of China covering Shenyang, Dalian and Harbin. The region is rich in history being the hotspot for China, Russia and Japan conflict during the late 19th and first half of 20th century.

The local tour guide is fervently nationalistic, absolutely proud of Dongbei and totally committed in imparting the history of the region. So loyal to China and her origin that she came across as biased to the point of being sympathetic to the wrong doings of certain famous characters from Dongbei. I wasn’t surprised she is anti US and anti Japan but was amazed she spoke quite well of Russia. Thus she criticised Israel’s bombardment of Gaza but had no mention of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Though Russia occupied the Dongbei Region for 28 years, Russia apparently helped them to industrialise and build their manufacturing sector, uplifting the economy of the region.

I did not subscribe to a VPN which can avoid the firewall in China which blocks access to Google and YouTube. The news on TV has extensive coverage of the plight of the Palestinians. For the whole week in China I could not gather  any news of the people taken hostage by Hamas nor hear a word from the US UN representative while that of the Palestinian representative was loud and clear.

 I can understand why my tour guide is so opinionated. However what is amusing to me is the fact she recognises the strict government  vigilance the Chinese citizens are subjected to but speaks of it as a necessity for the country’s security and the common good for all. She reiterated that China has no territorial aggressive ambition and the Belt & Road was purely an economic aid initiative. Fortunately I have limited Chinese language ability to speak my doubts out loud.

At one point as I listened to her I thought about the Matrix movie. Then I remembered the remarks of the character Cypher who wants out of the real world : "Ignorance is bliss". 

Patience

 

This I heard from a talk.

Patience tends to connote a negative experience, something to endure, something to persevere while it lasts. It suggests waiting for the unpleasantness to end. Yet true patience is about accepting the experience, seeing it as it is, as part and parcel of life It is recognizing the mind's aversion and instead of thinking about having to "put up" with the situation, realize that things don't always turn out as we want them to be. That's reality.

So my encounters with a counselee calls for a lot of "patience". Initially she often gave last minute notice to cancel her appointments. Gradually she requested for more frequent sessions occasionally calling in between sessions when she was anxious over something. She wasn't making much progress plagued by low self esteem. Her living circumstances seem to be dire too and made it challenging for her to move on. For awhile 'we' seemed to be stagnating and I felt I couldn't help her much. It reached a point when I honestly wasn't looking forward to meet her.

Then I remembered a supervisor's advice that a counsellor is not expected to rescue the client but rather to guide them and much depends on their will to change. So I adopted an attitude of just doing my best and going with the flow. I decided to let her experience her own healing journey.

Counselling sessions can really be very unpredictable. Some days you prepare mentally to use certain strategies and it turns out that the client has other needs, throwing all your planning out of the window. So at the most recent session with the above client, I embraced myself to encounter her in an ultra distraught state as she had called a week earlier to share a stressful situation. Well to my utter surprise she was very eager to share what she called a "breakthrough" in that she was able to overcome her anxieties over the traumatic event in a more equanimous manner. She talked about how she has processed some of the strategies we had discussed in earlier sessions.

I guess this is what they called 'planting the seeds' and leaving them to grow in their own time. 

Of Human Connection

 

" Will I see you again?" She asked before she left

I was taken aback. Most of these kids who come for the Children Caught in Between workshops are compelled to do so by the court arising from acrimonious divorces . In order words it is mandatory and not through the parents' initiative. Hence many would be out of the door immediately after the third and final session.

She is 15 years old, a year older than the 14 yr age limit for the workshop that I was conducting. For some reasons she had delayed one year. As the other participant did not turn up I had 3 one to one sessions with this teenager, to impart some ways to help her cope with her feelings and predicament.

The workshop is conducted according to guidelines set by the ministry. Some prescribed videos have to be played and a workbook has to be completed. As these material was meant for children between the age of 11 to 14, it can be quite simplistic. When I first saw her walked into the room I was a bit apprehensive that I could sustain her attention. Tall and sporty looking she seemed too mature to be willing to do the exercises in the workbook. 

Yet over just 3 two hourly sessions we seem to develop some bonding. It was a good thing that for this workshop there was only 2 participants and one dropped out. At such I could engage with her like I would a 15 year old teenager. We talked about her pain and how she felt responsible to protect her younger siblings as well. We talked about emotional boundaries at a more matured level. To my surprise some of the misbeliefs that children have about their parents' divorce also apply to teenagers as well.

Running these CIBC workshops can be quite taxing. With the workshop for younger children 6 to 10 yrs it is a lot of trying to get them to understand the material while trying hard to retain their attention. For the older group (11 to 14 yrs) there may be quite a fair bit of resistance ie, some just come to mark time. However the most draining part emotionally is hearing from both groups how sad, angry and confused they feel. 

She is the second participant who has asked at the end of the workshop whether they would ever meet me again. The first was a little boy who said "You mean I won't see you again!" . Each time I felt a tuck in my heart.

" I don't think so" I replied quietly to the teenage girl; and then spontaneously "But maybe, who knows". In my mind I was thinking about how sometimes destiny makes 2 people meet.

Sometimes, fate brings people together to remind them of the beauty and joy of human connections-unknown

The New President

 

Singapore has elected a new president among 3 candidates. Tharman who had held several top ministerial/ government posts resigned from PAP, the ruling party, to run for election. He won 70.4 % of the votes, a huge endorsement by the people.

I must say I am quite surprised as I was expecting him to win a shade above 50%. What I learn from my misjudgement is the tendency to mistake a few dissident voices in social media to be representative of a big segment of the masses. Of course I also gathered ad hoc views from various groups of people I know of. This taught me a lesson that bad sampling can deliver very incorrect predictions.

My incorrect instinctive prediction is also exacerbated by my perception that people will not vote for him for fear of sending the wrong message that they are endorsing the ruling party. As in any General Election the ruling party always inevitably lose 40 % of the votes, hence 60% seems to be the ceiling. I was also hearing lots of grouses against the lack of independence in a candidate put forward by the ruling party. There were also calls to support the other 2 candidates as protest votes against the whole mockery of the presidential constitution which allows for reserved presidency elections. Their thinking was to elect a clown as a tit for tat for an absurd system.

Well I voted for Tharman because I believe he can be independent and objective when called for. Don't forget he was a student activist in his younger days and during the 1987 Marxist conspiracy, he was questioned by the ISD for a week! I believe his moral belief for fairness and equitability remains in him.

At the end of the day I believe it was the Tharman factor based on his personality, experience and outlook which won him an overwhelming majority. I wish the PAP does not think arrogantly that people are endorsing their governance and I hope Tharman will live up to our expectations of him; and stand his grounds when needed.

PS- One other thing I like about him is his cat loving ways lol