Of Human Connection

 

" Will I see you again?" She asked before she left

I was taken aback. Most of these kids who come for the Children Caught in Between workshops are compelled to do so by the court arising from acrimonious divorces . In order words it is mandatory and not through the parents' initiative. Hence many would be out of the door immediately after the third and final session.

She is 15 years old, a year older than the 14 yr age limit for the workshop that I was conducting. For some reasons she had delayed one year. As the other participant did not turn up I had 3 one to one sessions with this teenager, to impart some ways to help her cope with her feelings and predicament.

The workshop is conducted according to guidelines set by the ministry. Some prescribed videos have to be played and a workbook has to be completed. As these material was meant for children between the age of 11 to 14, it can be quite simplistic. When I first saw her walked into the room I was a bit apprehensive that I could sustain her attention. Tall and sporty looking she seemed too mature to be willing to do the exercises in the workbook. 

Yet over just 3 two hourly sessions we seem to develop some bonding. It was a good thing that for this workshop there was only 2 participants and one dropped out. At such I could engage with her like I would a 15 year old teenager. We talked about her pain and how she felt responsible to protect her younger siblings as well. We talked about emotional boundaries at a more matured level. To my surprise some of the misbeliefs that children have about their parents' divorce also apply to teenagers as well.

Running these CIBC workshops can be quite taxing. With the workshop for younger children 6 to 10 yrs it is a lot of trying to get them to understand the material while trying hard to retain their attention. For the older group (11 to 14 yrs) there may be quite a fair bit of resistance ie, some just come to mark time. However the most draining part emotionally is hearing from both groups how sad, angry and confused they feel. 

She is the second participant who has asked at the end of the workshop whether they would ever meet me again. The first was a little boy who said "You mean I won't see you again!" . Each time I felt a tuck in my heart.

" I don't think so" I replied quietly to the teenage girl; and then spontaneously "But maybe, who knows". In my mind I was thinking about how sometimes destiny makes 2 people meet.

Sometimes, fate brings people together to remind them of the beauty and joy of human connections-unknown

The New President

 

Singapore has elected a new president among 3 candidates. Tharman who had held several top ministerial/ government posts resigned from PAP, the ruling party, to run for election. He won 70.4 % of the votes, a huge endorsement by the people.

I must say I am quite surprised as I was expecting him to win a shade above 50%. What I learn from my misjudgement is the tendency to mistake a few dissident voices in social media to be representative of a big segment of the masses. Of course I also gathered ad hoc views from various groups of people I know of. This taught me a lesson that bad sampling can deliver very incorrect predictions.

My incorrect instinctive prediction is also exacerbated by my perception that people will not vote for him for fear of sending the wrong message that they are endorsing the ruling party. As in any General Election the ruling party always inevitably lose 40 % of the votes, hence 60% seems to be the ceiling. I was also hearing lots of grouses against the lack of independence in a candidate put forward by the ruling party. There were also calls to support the other 2 candidates as protest votes against the whole mockery of the presidential constitution which allows for reserved presidency elections. Their thinking was to elect a clown as a tit for tat for an absurd system.

Well I voted for Tharman because I believe he can be independent and objective when called for. Don't forget he was a student activist in his younger days and during the 1987 Marxist conspiracy, he was questioned by the ISD for a week! I believe his moral belief for fairness and equitability remains in him.

At the end of the day I believe it was the Tharman factor based on his personality, experience and outlook which won him an overwhelming majority. I wish the PAP does not think arrogantly that people are endorsing their governance and I hope Tharman will live up to our expectations of him; and stand his grounds when needed.

PS- One other thing I like about him is his cat loving ways lol

Acceptance and Gratitude

 

ST article "Coming to terms with death" by prof Chong Siow Ann is a good read. He advocates that it is better for people to be prepared instead of avoiding thoughts about death, so that they can leave the world in peace. 

The article mentions a book "Talking about death won't kill you" by Virginia Morris where the author lists out the various fears relating to death which include:

-fear of body being dissected in a post mortem

-fear of being shunned and abandoned

-afraid there is no afterlife and only "unimaginable nothingness" 

-fear of not gaining entry to paradise

In addition there is the accompanying worry of loss of dignity and autonomy when dependent on others to meet basic hygiene and physical needs. There is also the fear of being a burden to family members as well as not having settled some unfinished business. 

The author thinks that those who live with the awareness of death and staying engaged in life for whatever time that remains have better outcome in the face of dying. In that respect the " 5 key tasks" that need to be carried out would be to say " I'm sorry, I forgive you, Thank you, I love you, Goodbye".

Personally I agree the most fearful is this "unimaginable nothingness". It's like some obliteration, some snap elimination from this world that has so much history. It's like I will never know forever how it will evolve. Hence the fifth task saying Goodbye is the hardest. This is often termed as existential death anxiety and is what make people turn to religion. 

A teacher once said that to be calm and peaceful at death, one should imagine either following a divine being or imagine immersing into the vastness of the universe.

The ST article ends with a quote from neurologist cum writer Oliver Sacks before his death "I have loved and been loved, I have been given much and I have given something in return...Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal on this beautiful planet, and this in itself has been an enormous gratitude and adventure".

The rich hinterland

 

During the last fortnight I have visited the Johor State of Malaysia twice, once to the Gunong Pulai waterfall and a few days ago to the beach at Desaru. What would a city state like Singapore do without a friendly neighbour hinterland , I mean where else can Singapore residents take a breather in the vastness of space and nature.

On an off peak week day it takes about 2 to 3 hours from home in Singapore to reach these 2 destinations in Malaysia. The small town vibe where you stop for coffee break reminds that life can be lived quite basically without the stress of a complex life that wants it all. 

As one enters the forested area of Gunong Pulai the chorus of calls from insects, birds, animals and the sound of gushing waters tugs at your soul. I sat on a rock with water splashing all over me. Feeling it with my palm I began to wonder how many years it took the gushing stream to smoothen the rock's once rough surfaces. We need to be patient to shape ours too. 

The Desaru beach on that weekday morning was deserted. Only one miniscule solitary figure was in sight when I casted my eyes furthest where the shoreline ends with a bend. At times the clouds hung so low they seemed to beckon me to jump and touch them. The scene together with the waves' rhythmic push and pull stirred reflective thoughts of the past and what best for moving forward to find peace and contentment.

I believe city dwellers need a hinterland, a vast space and deep connection with nature to pause and take stock of life, of what is consuming our mental energy and whether new values/directions are needed

First ever Happy Dental Visit

 

Last week I had the most pleasant dental appointment. Apparently the usual dental clinic which I visit has contracted a retiree lady dentist who works on a part time basis. She only does filling and cleaning/polishing. She did a filling for me earlier and last week I went back for review and cleaning.

In a throaty voice she dished out advice which I can only nod in agreement while she worked on my teeth. First of all she alerted me that two of my premolars which have turned greyish are not decaying but the discolouring was due to the metal filling inside changing colour tone. She warned me against listening to dentists who advise me to do root canal treatment and crowning for these 2 teeth. In between rinsing mouth breaks I told her that was exactly what some dentists had suggested and I was actually considering the procedure since it was not very nice to reveal the discoloured premolars when I smiled too widely. She then retorted that at our age it doesn't really matter and I should just avoid spending money unnecessarily and the pain.

She then went on to say that we can delay filling a small cavity in another tooth because to do so she would have to drill a bit more into the cavity. Other than that she remarked that my teeth are generally in good order with little plaque. We had a short chat about unprofessional doctors whose aim is to make money with me thanking her professional integrity before I left.

Well I don't really know whether her medical advice is sound but she is the first dentist I have come across in my life who doesn't frown upon my set of teeth or makes me embarrassed commenting on them. That is why many people dislike dentists, starting with fear from pain when young and developing into fear of pain, guilt and embarrassment including embarrassment displaying anxiety on the dentist chair.

I have a good laugh when I left the clinic thinking it has probably lost quite a bit of revenue by employing a retiree dentist to save cost.

It was the first time I walked out of a dental clinic feeling happy about my teeth!

A Daunting Job

 

Recently both the ruling party and the opposition party in Singapore disclosed to the public that 2 members of parliament in each of their own camp are having extra marital affair. The man in the ruling party is also the speaker of the house. All 4 submitted their resignations. For the opposition party that only has 10 members in parliament, 2 is a great loss. 

These 2 affairs which coincidentally came to light at the same time stir up controversies and bring some excitement to the otherwise mundane squeaky clean political scene in Singapore.

To be honest I am quite surprised at the lack of tolerance for extra marital affair for our MPs among a large segment of the public. It must be noted though that the opposition party's rationale for sacking the 2 MPs was more because of their dishonesty in denying the affair earlier on. 

I guess in terms of morality telling a lie and cheating on your spouse are both forms of dishonesty. However I view the later as involving feelings and affection, so more like a human weakness. In fact after learning that the speaker of the house was told by the PM to discontinue the affair some time back but fails to do so, signals to me that the love must be quite deep such that he is prepared to sacrifice his career. I also feel that if the MPs have been doing a fine job serving their constituencies they should be allowed to carry on the good work and allowed space to sort out their personal affair over time. I mean if they have divorced their respective spouses, the public opinion would have been different right? 

I really don't think I am too liberal in not holding our lawmakers to higher moral standards. I have a more practical view. In Singapore where it is so difficult to get 'good' people to enter politics expecting our lawmakers to be saints and behaving like one throughout only makes entering politics daunting.

"It is getting more difficult to persuade people who are dedicated, able and honest to join politics and serve Singapore, said Emeritus Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong...... It is a national problem. If the PAP cannot persuade honest, dedicated and capable people to serve Singaporeans, and neither can the opposition, it will have grave consequences for everyone," he said on Saturday (Aug 17) 2019

Better to be Rich!

 

Today's ST runs a very interesting article from Bloomberg describing with humour how billionaires and the ultra rich are privatising specialised services. It gives an example of renowned chefs quitting the stress of running their restaurants to become private chefs of the ultra rich. It applies to other professionals as well including fund managers, nurses, nannies and veterinarians.

While "85% of the world's humans live on US$30 a day.....Forbes says that millionaires (estimated to be 62.5 million ) control about a quarter of the world's US$431 trillion total wealth. That's roughly US$105 trillion, more than the combined GNP of the US, China, Japan, Germany and India.....The richest 25 families in the world alone control more than US$1.5 trillion).The article also mentions about the mushrooming 8 thousand family offices in the world including 1,100 in Singapore.

In Singapore it is quite common for those who can afford it to engage a confinement nanny for one month after giving birth to a child. The experienced nanny will provide good care of the new born baby and mum, giving the mum a restful month to recuperate. A one month stint of a confinement nanny is about S$4 to 5 thousands. 

Recently my daughter engaged one confinement nanny for a month. The nanny has worked for her friends and known to be very efficient. The nanny related to my daughter about past engagements when she worked for rich mums for 4 months at a go occasionally accompanying the mothers for overseas holidays too! With the increasing numbers of the ultra rich coming to Singapore, I can envisage this nanny being "privatised" by some family offices such that ordinary netizens would not have access to her sterling services! The article describes it as "the super-rich...can afford to wall them  (the experts) away from the rest of the world".

Indeed in my mind these ultra rich people are living like royalties of the past. No wonder the article describes them as "people so wealthy their families can operate as virtual fiefdoms".

In a comical ending the article narrated that the renowned chef quitted after 6 months working for Richard Branson as making Shephard Pie (his boss' favourite) will not land him far in the culinary hall of fame.