Collective Fear

I always thought that my 'kiasu' (fearful of losing out) nature could have risen from adverse childhood experiences in KL, Malaysia. Constantly scoring close to bottom positions in the top class of a good primary school dented my self esteem. Coming from a poor family and surrounded by relatively rich classmates could have made me feel deprived. I hence concluded that these experiences created the constant need to "keep up" with others.

However an article I read entitled ' A Formula for Happiness' made me rethink my conclusion. The article described how Singapore kept sliding in the global ranking of countries' overall happiness over the years, dropping from 22 in 2016 to 34 in 2019 despite faring well in GDP, employment, life expectancy, education and absence of corruption. Meanwhile depression is on the rise among Singapore teenagers.

Experts opined that Singaporeans seem to have adopted the unhealthy narrative of "kiasuism", the need to have more and the fear of losing out. Moreover the education system drummed into students that academic excellence equates to career achievement and happiness. Furthermore the collectivist culture where the opinion of family and friends influence one's attitude and action, perpetuates comparison and competition.

I now have to further analyse whether I actually picked up this communal trait after I moved back to Singapore at 15. My earliest recall of being competitive wasn't really in secondary school or junior college nor working in a statutory board shortly after graduation. Life then was pretty mundane and I was grateful to secure a job which is described as an iron rice bowl. It was in the 70s and 80s and I guess people were generally just grateful with the improved housing, health care and living standards.

My first real taste of competition was to secure a place in a good school for my children in the 90s. Back then after the PSLE (Primary School Leaving examination) results were out, the newspaper would list the entry points required to get into every secondary school. Thus there was a mad competition to place your kids in a reputable primary school which  has a track record of churning out students with high PSLE scores. Even at primary school, the education system introduced another examination at primary 3 to siphon student into different types of upper primary classes. In summary the school system has always focused on ranking based on academic performance. That was the beginning of parents sending their children for tuition classes,a practice which not only persisted but intensified several fold. Even for ECA (Extra Curriculum Activities) in school, a student has to show some level of skills or aptitude before admission depriving many who have the interest but not the means to acquire the skills outside of school.

Another reason for this national 'kiasu' trait could be the inherent 'scarcity mentality' of baby boomers many of whom have experienced poverty in childhood. Baby boomers in general need to buy and hoard things/assets in case of calamity. This is reinforced by the government's persistent brainwashing message of how we need to strife due to a lack of natural resources. To spur citizens to be achievement oriented is necessary for economic growth. Thus the media is obsessed with ranking and winning, consistently splashing about Singapore topping this area and that in global ranking.

I recalled the comment of Tash Aw in an interview with Straits Times on why Singapore never produced an internationally acclaimed author like him. He said in Malaysia there is less expectation of success. "If you don't make it, you are basically measured to the mediocrity around you, so there is no pressure......I think most Malaysians in general enjoy the freedom to find their own level, their own space"


Well looks like the lasting adverse impact of my so called childhood 'strife' may have just been my imagination. It is more likely that I got myself caught up in the Singaporean collective fear of losing and country fervor to win and never to be left behind. Still it is no excuse to sit back and blame external factors for character weakness. If the country is slow in finding a wider range of narrative for happiness, I have to do so on a personal level even though I should have started long ago.

Temple Cat

I have a Siamese cat and to be sure she has a personality. If she is in good mood she will let out a cursory meow when I greet her in the morning. She seems to know cat lovers instinctively snuggling close to them when they visit or 'chats' with them when they engage her in conversation. This however is at her own call meaning she has to be the one to make the first move. When you pick her up by force she will struggle fiercely to break free.

Increasingly she seems also to understand a bit of what I am saying. For instance before I close the door when leaving home, I will ask her "Miao (that's her name), In or Out?". If she wants to laze in the garden she will come scampering through the door before I close it. Otherwise she will ignore me and expresses her wish to remain indoor by either resting on all fours or starting to preen herself. Sometimes instead of talking aloud to myself  I can go to my cat give her a gentle head to head hug and start talking while she listens staring at me with her intense blue eyes.

You may think I am too obsessed and going cranky about my pet, but I think she is not only human in some ways but also a bit spiritual. Every morning when others have left for work  and I am alone at home I will light an incense at the altar and say a quiet prayer. There is no fixed timing however as it depends on how much reading or other tasks I do for the morning. Quite frequently when I start to light the incense Miao Miao will walk in from the back garden and sit beside me making sure she spreads her tail neatly across my feet as if reminding me to remember her in my prayer. I am often puzzled how she knows when I am about to start. Perhaps animals have heightened sensitivity to energy fields and Miao probably picks up my energy for quiet prayer; although I am not sure whether she really wants to be included or just simply likes that quiet moment. (Freud's dog was famously known for snuggling close to his clients suffering from depression offering comfort).

However carrying on my craziness, I learnt from internet that Siamese cats were surrounded by history and legends as follow:

"It is believed the Siamese cat were owned by the  Royal Family of Siam, and used to guard the ancient temples. Only royalty or noblemen were allowed to own them, and their cats served as spirit guardians.
When someone important died, a cat from their household was chosen to receive and house their soul. This lucky cat spent the rest of its life in luxury, pampered and cared for by temple priests. The dead person’s family paid for the cat’s upkeep, as they believed this would bring their loved one good luck in the afterlife."

Hmmm... perhaps the spiritual energy is carried forward life after life in the Siamese cats. Regardless Miao Miao reminds me of another level of consciousness and that this physical world may not be as it seems.

A Slob in the Fitness Class

There a 2 types of people who dislike me, doctors and fitness instructors. Doctors think I ask too many 'smart alec' questions all conceived out of non truths from the web. Fitness instructors find me too slack and impossible to teach.

I now attend a fitness class which is a combo of cardio exercises and stretches. For the first half hour there is pumping exercises to make our heart works faster while the later half is the well longed stretching exercises mainly on the yoga mat. As the class caters to people above 50 years, the instructor, a fortyish guy with crew cut and a single ear ring, says we can do the cardio exercises at our own pace. However he is constantly watching like a hawk when you actually slows down, passing remarks like if his mum can do it he doesn't see why you can't. Hence I try to keep up as much as possible and slow down when his back is turned towards me.

I probably stand out as a sore thumb in his class of 10. Unlike others who are probably dressed for fitness class in their branded fanciful body hugging tops and tights I wear a pair of cotton pants and T shirt with sleeves. No worries, my shoes are branded sports shoes though. I had wanted to get a yoga mat from the sports shops but was aghast that it costs more than 30 bucks. I settled for one that costs $8.80 from CK departmental store. The mat shows embarrassing imprints when my body presses against it. As it is it weighs a ton I didn't like to sling it over my shoulder. Hence I put my yoga mat in a shopping trolley which is also useful for shopping after class. I guess my appearance alone makes my instructor feel unprofessional.

Once when he was fiddling with the blue tooth player complaining that the beat seemed too slow, I remarked it didn't really matter as we were supposed to follow at our own pace. He seemed a bit offended, sarcastically describing us as 小姐 although in his mind he is probably calling me 婆婆 . I can understand how my behaviour and that of some others undermines his sense of professionalism.  Like any good instructor he wants his participants to get the most out of the class and not just to go through the motion. At least the others are motivated enough to get some stylish outfit. I guess it helps when you see how good your body looks in the mirror. If dressing up at work helps to make one more successful, it should also work in the gym. It has been said " If you know you look great chances are you will act it out too".

While googling to see whether it is a myth that one must wear proper fitness attire I came across this website that lists things you should NOT wear for a workout. It includes:

- cotton shirt and pants because cotton absorbs sweat and you will soon be wearing a wet blanket which is conducive for fungal growth. Instead you should wear "sweat-wicking fabric"

-regular bra which may lead to upper back and shoulder pain after the workout (from excessive bouncing I suppose).

-supper baggy clothing because you don't want to hide your body as the trainer needs to assess whether you are stretching the right muscles and body parts (again I am not  really sure of my objectives)

Seems to me it is not all false advertisement to make us part with our money. Yes I think I better step up a bit. There's no place for a slob nor a 婆婆 in a fitness class.

In MY OPINION

Under the draft Protection from Online Falsehoods and Manipulation Bill the ministers will be given the power to decide what is false and to order actions. Upon the 'advice' of civil servants, the respective minister decides if a statement is false and whether actions need to be taken to safeguard public interest. The line of actions can include making a correct statement alongside the false content, ordering statement to be taken down, order tech companies to block certain sites or accounts or instruct a police investigation if malicious intent is detected. Of course there is also a recourse for appeal to minister or court for the aggrieved party.

To assure people that freedom of speech is still intact the government says the proposed law deals with statements of fact and not OPINION.

Now I must warn my husband because ever so often he gets his facts all confused and makes a statement which is not really factual and is more of his imagination. Often when I grill him he will admit that is what he thinks. Thus I often tell him he must preclude his statement with "IN MY OPINION" or "I THINK AH..."

So I was just thinking out aloud of the 20 year old lad who expressed that he wanted to throw an egg at a certain minister. If he had said on facebook " IN MY OPINION the minister deserves an online egg " will he be absolved?

Now I also ask myself why am I so frustrated with people who bullshit. I deduce it to my laziness to think twice or analyze what is being said. I don't realise that if I am so easily MISLED it is because I am not curious enough to find out the truth and just want to be spoon fed. (Don't go there I am going to blame the system again!).

Now back to MY OPINION on the draft bill: I WORRY about
- over reliance on a benevolent government with absolute power (never say never, like any great dynasty a government can also deteriorate over time)
- developing a habit in netizens of needing to be told what is true or not
- the poor ministers, they can always tell what is true or not true meh? Is everything in life just black or white, no grey area or ambiguity? Will their judgement not be tinted by conditions, upbringing, values etc etc?

Maybe those movies on Stasi (East German secret police ) and the KGB stir my imagination but I just fear such dark era descending on us.

总而言之 I don't feel good about this (opinion ok?)

Beware of Frivolous speech

Gosh I can't believe that our police is carrying out further investigations just because a 20 year old lad expressed on Facebook that he felt like throwing an egg at a certain minister! Another person who commented on the lad's posting providing information on the minister's meet-the-people session is also being investigated for inciting violence!!! The poor lad now admits it was a joke.

Honestly it is no joking business. The police better educate the public on what kind of acts will constitute inciting violence or breaking the law. What normal people perceive as joke can now be interpreted as intention to cause harm. What about jokingly throwing eggs at your neighbour online? Can your neighbour now lodge a police report too or does this right belong to certain people only? Further, will Facebook and other social media companies be expected to include 'the threat to throw eggs' as a direct threat of violence in Singapore and which under the media company's inhouse rule has to be removed.

To reiterate it is no joking business we have to be reminded that even a private comment on Facebook by the PM's nephew residing overseas resulted in him being taken to court. He had opined in a private Facebook posting saying that the Singapore Government 'is very litigious and has a pliant court system'.

Therefore instead of pretending to uphold freedom of speech the police should just directly come out with a list of 'Forbidden Speech' or 'Silly Words which may land you in Jail' for the benefit of clueless netizens who may not be aware they are on the wrong side of the law with frivolous speech.

Japan train travel

Just came back from a trip in Japan covering 4 places by train. If you want to stave off dementia for a year or two, stay in Japan and navigate their rail transport which can be quite overwhelming.

First of all there are more than 100 private companies providing rail transport in Japan including the 6 companies under the JR (Japan Rail) Group and 16 other major regional companies. Intercity travel and subway travel crisscross in many stations. My husband and I were confused and groping around at a transfer station because the same location has 2 different station names depending on the line you are taking.

For intercity travel you must be familiar with the name of the train and their pattern of stopping. The local train stops at every station, the 'limited express', 'express' and 'rapids' stop at fewer stations in variation. If you get into the wrong train you will panic when the train whiz pass your destination. To get to any destination you must first of all do some homework to see which lines get you there  fastest and with the least transfer. At the major stations you must hunt for the signs that lead to that line. Not only must you look above you must also look below as some of the signages are on the floor. Then you must look for the platform and the time of departure. Here one must also be careful because the same platform can also serve different lines. As the trains whiz past at frequency of minutes to different destinations you must glue your eyes to the electronic signage for the exact timing of departure to your destination.

Next you must also cast your eyes downwards. There are spots on the floor of the platform that show where the train doors will be when the train stops. As different types of train have different number of carriages, the electronic signage will also indicate the type of train you will be travelling on. You must then follow the spots on the floor belonging to that particular type of train. Otherwise you may be waiting at a spot where a shorter train may not stop.In addition for intercity travel where your ticket does not come with a reserve seat you must be familiar with the car or carriage numbers of that particular train that are meant for free seating. Once we had to drag our luggage from the front car  to the third last car when the train was moving because we hopped onto the car for reserved seating. Another lesson learnt for not being mindful of our feet was when a soft spoken Japanese lady politely pointed at my husband's feet. On the floor was a pink sign which says "women" indicating it was meant only for ladies.

Nevertheless I am always thrilled when the intercity trains with its long sleek nose approach the platform. Moreover once you are comfortably seated after the great hustle you begin to enjoy the  smooth train ride admiring its punctuality and efficiency. Just an hour or two and we are transported from a bustling mega city to scenic country sides and mountains. Working the mind to enjoy the quiet is just perfect for a retiree.

She ain't heavy

There is a recent news report about a 12 year old girl in China who died when she laid on top of her younger sibling while a fire engulfed their house. The girl was apparently the caregiver as her parents were often not around. This made me recall a session I had with a pair of siblings at the Children's Home, an 8 year old boy and his 6 year old sister.

The boy was recommended for play therapy as he had increasingly been throwing tantrum. For several sessions the underlying theme about his stories at play was the need to be safe, secure and protected. Hence he would build a nice home with  toy beds and furniture for the little toy children  but also ensured the home was well barricaded such that no one could attack the children. He even had fierce animals guarding the gates.

Of late his play has a more nurturing theme (eg. cooking and feeding). This is a good development. Soon he requested that his younger sister joins in the play therapy. With the social worker's approval I now work with both siblings together. During the first session I had the impression the boy was often bossing his sister around, occasionally shouting at her and making her wailed in tears. I then told him to be more gentle and loving.

At the recent session, the second I had with them, I discovered more about his predicament. The session started off badly with the sister cutting her foot as she rushed barefooted to the therapy room. When the staff sent her to my room after dressing the bruised foot, she was already in a crying mood. Throughout the session she would start wailing when she did not get what she wanted. I noticed when the girl started to cry the boy would get very agitated. He would shout at her to stop crying while trying to accommodate her wishes. He told her he would only give in on condition that she stopped crying immediately. However his shouting only made her wail louder and he seemed so emotionally overwhelmed when she continued wailing and shrieking. Even when she got what she wanted she still sobbed continuously remarking that the brother was still angry with her. I then made him hugged her instead of shouting at her which worked for a short while. When the sister started to cry again over a toy which was out of battery, he was visibly distressed again. I pulled him aside and told him it is alright to ignore her crying and leave her alone when her demands are unreasonable. He looked a bit surprised when I told him that and he played on his own before another episode started again.

It is quite heart breaking to see this pair of emotionally co-dependent siblings trying to survive in an institution away from home and their parents. I can see that the boy feels responsible for taking care of his sister but is often overwhelmed and does not know how to handle the shrieks of a 6 year old. His inability to calm her down makes him panicky thus resorting to shouting at her. We must not forget that he himself is only 8 years old and is feeling insecure himself as indicated in the theme of his sandplay. I have a feeling that her cries may also remind and surface his own inner fears and sadness. The sister is evidently dependent on the brother for emotional support hence sobbing often about his anger towards her. I therefore have to teach him to set boundaries for himself while validating his care and concern for his sister.

Psychologists have often cited the negative effects of "parentification" which is a form of emotional distress when a child has to become the caregiver of a sibling. I think the emotional toll can be exacting. Apparently children who grow up parenting their parents or siblings are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.

Immediately after the second session, I was considering engaging the siblings separately  in the coming sessions as it was quite challenging having them together. However now that I reflect on it, I feel the more I should be helping them interact, as in helping the boy develop some emotional boundaries while at the same time showing affections when his sister requires it.

Though "she ain't heavy, she's my sister",
"the road is long with many a winding turn"