Family Deja Vu

Sometimes deja vu  seems to emerge even in one's own family history. In other words history seems to repeat itself. So you may have heard from your mum the story of a grand uncle who has rather unique characteristics or who has led a life different from the norm. Then you see similar traits in someone of the present generation. Noting the similarities gives us a deeper understanding of the situation and circumstances the earlier generation encountered. Of course going by genetics this may not be a strange phenomenon.

Checking  genetic family history for medical reasons is common and widely used to lower the risk of developing certain illnesses. Now how about checking family history for behavioral traits and tendencies so that one can be more alert in detecting the less favorable traits surfacing in your family's growing young generation. So say if your granduncle was infamous for squandering the family fortunes through gambling, the pathological gambling genes may be lurking in the family tree. Genes may influence a person's temperament and makes him vulnerable to certain triggers. Knowing this fact may alert us to emphasize the ills of such traits to the children in the family.

Needless to say, positive behavioral traits should also be picked up and remembered. So if your fiesty grandmother had no word as 'fear' in her life dictionary, such good genes should also be detected for potential development in her descendants who inherited them.

Then there is this eternal question why some in the family history are blessed with good hereditary traits whilst others struggled with difficult ones. If of any comfort, the following is a quote from Hermann Hesse:

“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”


So if your granduncle's gambling streaks live in you, you can become a self- aware hedge fund manager who manages money for risk preferring investors.

Foie gra vs pho

I am reeling from the effect of food poisoning most likely from Hanoi's supposedly best French restaurant. Well, my husband's Accor membership allows a 1-for-1 treat in any of the Sofitel restaurats worldwide. So when we could go for this well loved French restaurant's Sunday buffet lunch at just 50% of the usual US$100 per head, we jumped on the opportunity. I must say the only upside this buffet has over any good buffet in Singapore restaurants is its heavenly cakes and pan seared foie gra. The source of my sufferings is likely to be either this foie gra or the oysters.

Yesterday when I was all weak and wobbly from the relentless purging, the very image of oysters, foie gra, red meat or any food at all makes me ready to throw out. Listless and weak I could not even read the backlogged newspapers. Surfing the net wore me out. In between naps and toilet visits I just plonked myself staring blankly at the moving TV screen. Images of my trip to Hanoi rolled in my mind.

With only 3 nights in Hanoi and 2 free nites at Sofitel Metropole (again complimentary from the Accor thingy) we booked a day trip to Tam Coc about 2 hours away from Hanoi. Tam Coc is like Hanoi Bay except the cliffs are along a meandering river and rice fields. Instead of returning to Hanoi with the tour group we requested to be dropped off at a town called Ninh Binh where we had booked a room in a family run inn. The owner chatted with us at length and recommended that we pay a visit to Mua Cave the following day.

It was a misty morning when the car bumped over dirt tracks to our destination. Perhaps it was early or perhaps of the downcast sky we had practically the whole attraction to ourselves other than a lone foreigner and a Vietnamese family of 5. The cave at ground level was not the main attraction but the climb up the 500 steps that meandered up the cliff will reward us with magnificent views of the river lined with limestone cliffs, we were told. The steps were a bit damp that morning. The Vietnamese family of 5, a mother with 2 teenagers, a young boy of about 6 and a toddler maybe about 3 years was behind us when we started off. The mother held the toddler's hand supporting him slowly whilst the other family members raced ahead. Of course I was just slightly ahead of mother and child. A quarter way through my husband spotted 3 billy goats staring at us from an opening above. I clapped my hands to draw the mother/child's attention to quicken their steps. The mother hurried the child along muttering the Vietnamese word for goat several times. We all smiled with delight and made faces at the goats. On another stretch the older boy squeaked repeatedly enjoying the resounding echo. When he disappeared round the corner, I sang a short song to test it out.

It was not an easy climb for me at least because the steps were not even and rather slippery, what more for the mother and child. At one stretch a small group of foreigner coming down applauded the little kid, who was by then fretting a bit, just to spur him on. It started to drizzle at the final stretch. What I didn't expect when we reached the top was a 2 metre statue of the Goddess of Mercy standing on a 6 ft square concrete platform under a tiled pagoda like roof. Just as the family and us reached the top it started to rain and we all sat on the platform, smiling at each other warmly, resting, taking in the magnificent view. feeling very thankful for the shelter and I really felt very peaceful. I didn't mind for the rain to last and did some 'Om Mani Padme Hum' chant.

Sofitel Metropole with its old colonial charm is like Raffles Hotel Singapore. The staff are trained to greet guests cheerfully and engage in light banter. The rooms are very well furnished and luxurious. Every time we pass through the doors, the bell boys greeted us in Japanese (sigh..) The home run inn at Ninh Binh is also superbly clean and comfortable and serves good home cooked breakfast. We feel very at home when the owner requested us to help him by switching off the heater after use.

As picture of the black and white marble flooring of Metropole with its fine dining rooms that serve the evil foie gra or oysters that make me sick, rolled alongside the comfortable room in the inn and the owner's superb recommendation that resulted in some very beautiful moments sitting with the Vietnamese family beside the statue of Kuan Yin, sheltered from the rain, I thought to myself that luxury often pales in comparison to many other experiences.

We really should have just enjoyed the delicious pho at the pho shops in the old quarters of Hanoi instead of the foie gra in the famous French buffet .

Taking in the delight of an economic marvel

The evening of National Day found me and my husband sitting on a mat outside the MBFC towers waiting patiently for the fireworks to start. Taking on the scenes around me (blocks after blocks of  of tall office buildings and the iconic MBS towers afar) I began to marvel at how well our nation has progressed, at least economically. Watching the delightful showers of light in the midst of a crowd seated comfortably on the clean pavement, the distant thunders of fireworks evoked feelings of gratitude for such a liveable city and appreciation of what a long way this nation has come.The recent news of Malaysia Airline System to be delisted has reinforced this feeling, providing a benchmark in our favour.

I recalled way back in 1972 when the then Malaysia Singapore Airlines (MSA), jointly run by both Malaysia and Singapore decided to split ways. I can still remember concerns among Singaporeans that MAS had a brand advantage for retaining abbreviations close to the familiar MSA whilst SIA had to forge a new identity for itself. The 2 airlines have seen different trajectories since then, partially through different management style, work culture and partly because of different luck perhaps.

Another incident which I recalled was the withdrawal of the British Naval Base from Singapore in 1971. (One can imagine how those early 70s were fraught with uncertainties) It was a time of uncertainty because not only were 25,000 jobs lost but the economy was affected. I remembered quite clearly because my uncle used to own a tailoring business in Holland Village right in the hub where the British naval officers and their families shopped and got their daily supplies. It was a lucrative business and I remembered my uncle lamenting to my mother the grim prospects going forward. Not only did he survived but he did very well although I did not follow up with the new business model he adopted.

I guess he was part of the pioneer generation (more like 'pre-pioneer') who had that " never say die " attitude that was so typical of the LKY's generation and which had brought us to what we are today, an economic marvel of the world.

Time to 做梦?

Interesting and sometimes weird advice can be found in Li Ka Shing's "The art of becoming rich" appearing in ST last Saturday.

I shall perhaps list the useful ones first before mulling over the funny ones. First of all he bundles a person's monthly salary into 5 sets of funds for living expenses, expanding interpersonal circle, learning, overseas holiday and investing.

Basically there is strong emphasis in investing one's time and money in acquiring knowledge, skills, experience, exposure and expanding one's social network. To top it one has to be diligent by offering oneself for all sorts of opportunities and part time work. "When you are poor, you have to throw yourself out in the open and let people make good use of you" (Hmmm...very sound advice)

Now the weird and funny parts :)

-"When you are poor, be good to others. When you are rich, you must learn to let others be good to you. You have to learn to be good to yourself better". 穷的时候，不要计较，对别人要好。富的时候，要学会让别人 对自己好.自己对自己更好 
(Huh is this a problem that the rich are facing, not knowing how to treat themselves well? Is it because these super rich have difficulties living a balanced life ie. too programmed/immersed and lost in some pursuits? And then again shouldn't treating others kindly be a spontaneous act rather than one rife with hidden agenda?)

-"When you are poor spend money on others. When you're rich, spend money on yourself"穷的时候，花钱给别人看。富的时候，花钱给自己享受。穷的时候一定要大方，富的时候，就不要摆阔了 (hmm....so Hong Kong)

- "When buying people dinner, make sure you buy dinners for people who have bigger dreams than you and work harder than you" 少在外面吃饭，要吃就请客，要请，就请比自己更有梦想的、更有思想、更努力的人

  (Wah such a stressful meal, but then again he does have a point because most people enjoy boasting when dining with friends instead of trying to learn from others. )

However I like his last paragraph "Once your livelihood is no longer an issue, use the remainder of your money to pursue your dreams. Spread your wings and dare to dream! Make sure you live an extraordinary life! 去放开你的翅膀大胆地做梦，去让生命经历不一样的旅程

( I like his use of the word 做梦.For those of us who still don't have a dream and declare ourselves clueless, we have all the liberty to build one. And then again the critical hurdle for many is the perception of when "livelihood is no longer an issue".)

Connection through listening

At the start of each meditation session, our teacher will say a few phrases in Chinese to the effect that "Thoughts are related to or can not depart from (离不开) the past, the future and the present. Thoughts are just thoughts. When thoughts come to your mind, just lightly blink your eyes and drop them." We are then told to focus on our breadth feeling the air in and out of the nostrils touching the upper lips. When aware that thoughts arise and having noticed them, gently drop them and refocus on our breadth.

For me, the start of the session is usually fine. Somewhere in the middle I can be lost in thoughts even though I am still feeling the breadth. I will then go on a rendezvous before finally become aware again of the drifting mind.

Of late I gather from another source that when the mind keeps on drifting during meditation, one can try listening to surrounding sounds intently to achieve mindfulness before reverting back to the breadth or whatever point of focus. So I tried it. The host of multiple sounds in any one short duration was amazing. First there was the whirling fan and the tickling clock in my house. I could identify not less than 5 types of birds calling, some from the trees and poles nearby and others somewhere in the distance. A car, a truck, a motorcycle passed my house. I could hear the backdoor of my neighbour being closed. Some faint drilling sound floated in. Footsteps and people's banter passed my front gate. A far away child's high pitched short cry was matched by a single pounding from a distant construction site. The quiet stretching of my cat brings me home again.

Suddenly I feel me, my cat, the birds, my neighbour's maid, the passers by, the child and the one who drills, the one who pounds, the one who drives the car, the truck, the motorcyclist and in fact all the birds, all my neighbours, all the workers in the construction site and all the people in the vicinity are "engaged" simultaneously in the world.

A strange but somewhat good feeling. Is this what they call being connected?

A daily reminder

"Huh? Certainly not" was my answer to my daughter's question whether I was afraid of getting old. Other than the monthly facial therapy, I do not spend much money trying to retard the aging process, not even on food supplements. I am certainly no ageist, so I thought. Well, not until I applied for the senior citizen concessionary card.

One can apply for this card online through the Transit Link website. After you have input your particulars, scan your IC and upload your digital photo, and key "next", a preview of the concessionary card complete with your name, IC No. and photo appears. The words "Senior Citizen" printed boldly at the bottom of the card stared starkly into my face. "Gosh I am now a Senior Citizen" I exclaimed and started laughing. My daughter who was nearby remarked that my laughter seemed nervous. It was more of unpreparedness than nervousness, I guess.

A couple of days later after my annual bone density scan, the doctor suggested medication to stagnate the deterioration in my bone density. He reminded me of my age and its associated risks. Looks like  crossing over to the age with a '6' prefix is quite significant in the eyes of many.

True to form nervousness did arise after reading an extract from "At Home in the Universe" forwarded by a friend. Describing the concept of Karma the text suggests that 'the thoughts, feelings and deeds of one life- our relationships to other people, events and surroundings in this life -determine the talents, dispositions, places, and whom and what we meet in the next'. It dawns on me that if it is true, I have (upon reaching 60) precious little time to rectify any unskillful habits of thoughts and feelings plaguing my entire life so far; just so that they would not be carried forward to the next. Do I want to plague my next life with negativity and anxieties for example? If I desire a happier disposition then I have to start cultivating a healthier frame of mind with urgency. It reminds me to take care of whatever remains of ME and whatever I wish and admire in a person, I should start working on it.

In the photo memoir which my daughter presented me as a birthday gift was a picture of me sorting out the little figurines I used for sandplay therapy with the caption "It's never too late to change course or go after a dream". This shall be my daily reminder.

Taken off the Shelf

Recently there is a huge controversy over 3 children's books being taken off the shelves by our library following complaints raised by certain people that the books have same sex partners in their story. The National Library withdrew the books citing their 'pro-family' policy.

Now I recall during one of my story telling session reading a children book picked up from the library about a little girl preparing for a school project with the help of mum and her female friend who stays with them. There wasn't a father in the story. Halfway through the story I instinctively could feel the dynamics and was glad no parents rolled their eyes. Thinking about it now, is it really not appropriate for children to be exposed to the real world where some families consist of single parents and sometimes mum or dad has a good friend who stays in to help out? I am not sure how explicit the 3 hotly debated books are about same sex partners but in this one which I read it is really subtle and may not even have such implications depending on how one reads it. If children are too sheltered and unexposed will they become unsympathetic and prejudiced against peers from less than so called 'normal' families.

Another thought came to my mind. Often whilst choosing books for story telling, I come across many Children books with Christian settings and have to give them a miss respecting the varied religious background of the audience. Apart from the actual Bible stories, there are also many children books with Christmas and Easter as the backdrop. It is a marvel that nobody complains that the library is trying to convert our children into Christians with the disproportionately large collection of children books with Christian orientation. Indeed I have told a very touching story taken from a library book about a troll who plucked up enough courage to knock on the window of the village church whilst the villagers were having a service on Christmas Day. I remember how quiet and anxious the children looked as I narrated with exaggerated drama the troll's fears and how their faces subsequently lightened up when the villagers in the story embraced the troll.

Yes, this story irrespective of culture and religious orientation instills the virtue of acceptance, where humans being humans accept even a troll as one of them. Fortunately no one has asked this book to be taken off the shelf.