Of Children

Various people's opinion were sought for their wishes and ideas over the coming government budget. One professional cheek-in-tongue made a very creative suggestion to tackle the falling birth rate in Singapore. He remembered how decades ago to avoid a population explosion, one of the measures adopted by the government to discourage people from having more than 2 children was to suffer the third and later child a very low priority to enter primary school of choice. The method proved to be very effective as most parents worry that their would be "little Einsteins" were not given the rich breeding ground to develop their abilities. Hence this guy suggested that to reverse the trend of the falling birth rate the government should now allow the third or later child the highest priority to choose any schools the parents fancy. To make it even more effective, he toyed with the idea that as long as a mother has or is carrying a third or subsequent child, the elder siblings of the unborn child should also be given higher priorities for primary one application. Given that kiasuism is one of the icon of Singapore, albeit a negative one, I think his idea is brilliant.

However I personally think that this idea may only work with couples who already have a family or have intention to start one. It doesn't work with couples who choose not to have children. In fact the very observation of kiasu parents giving so much focus and energy into getting their kids to top schools may reinforce these couples' fear of producing children into the world just to suffer the stress of the rat race. It also magnifies the energy and time they themselves will have to put in should they choose to be parents. Nevertheless it is an idea worth further consideration.

Of late there is quite a lot of comments on nurture and nature following MM's observations that top schools have more students with graduate parents. The Straits Times subsequently interviewed 10 students from top schools who came from poor families. From these interviews the ST Editorial remarked that one crucial factor was largely forgotten admist the nurture vs nature debate which is the "determination to suceed and rise above the circumstances", hence the need to instil in the students from disadvantaged background the conviction that a better future is within their reach if they work hard enough.

A truly remarkable observation but I feel it is also easier said than done. Lets not forget that those student that made it to the top schools despite their disadvantaged backgroud is still a minority. I remember my shock when I found out that only about 40% of the previous Primary 6 cohort in my school (a neighbourhood school)got into the express stream which means that more than half land up in Normal Academic or Normal Technical. My interaction with these students often make me marvel/laugh at their intelligence/wit but accompanied with shock at their lack of command of English and poor foundation in other subjects. Most of the students in my school do not have tuition and struggle to find help in doing their school work. I often wonder how academically smart they would have been if only they have the same nurture as other little "Einsteins" in branded schools.

CNY reflection

As with every Chinese New Year's routine of visiting and catching up with relatives and friends, I will end up being very reflective when all is over. As I gather updates on various people's lives especially that of my cousins', I seem to be watching rolls of film that unfurl before my eyes. I remember them as children, as teenagers, as youths, as young parents; and that was when the yearly big gathering of 4 generations stopped with the passing away of my grandma followed gradually by aunties, uncles including my own parents. Now the big CNY gathering is replaced by individual selective home visits to the surviving aunties where I gather news about my cousins whom I now hardly meet.

As with people of our age, sickness is inevitable and health woes are common. Then there is the consistent worry as parents over the adult children with the usual range of problems from marriage breakups to financial difficulties. No one sails through life without setback and pain, even those who are often described as blessed with fortunes. As I reflect upon each life story over a span of 5 to 6 decades, the high and low points, the happy events and the sad, I am reminded of the temporal nature of each experience. Every situation be it one of sadness or one of joy passes on. The phrase "This too shall pass" best describes the impermanence of each event in our lives. Being aware of this helps us to mellow as we age.

Counselling vs Menthoring

Had a short discussion with the supervisor of the student care centre in our school. She noticed a trend of increasing neglect of the children under her charge by their parents due to the parents' pre-occupation with their jobs. She ascribes it to the parents having to put in more hours to earn a living to keep up with the high cost of living. Indeed I also found out that the mothers of a few of my student clients have started working. It is also probably due to the greater ease in getting a job. If so the government must be achieving its objective getting housewives to join the work force. It is however quite sad to hear some students admit that they sometimes feel lonely returning to an empty house after school.

Every month counsellors have to review their open files and report on the status of the student clients; as in whether their presenting issues have been resolved and whether the files should be closed. However I find this rather difficult because parents still insist on regular monitoring of their children's emotional state or behaviour. So I do have quite a few cases which I am like "just keeping an eye". Then they are cases which I try to wean off ie. telling the students they have done very well and they do not need counselling. These children protested and compromised with a reduced frequency. Of late with a new vice prinicpal joining the school, I can sense a divergence in view over the resources of counsellors. The old guards I think are of the view that emotional support should continue as long as the students ask for it. The new people's view is that once the presenting issues are resolved the file should be closed but can be reopened when new issues arise.

Objectively speaking from a therapist point of view the file should be closed when the presenting issue is resolved. If in private practice it may seem unethical to keep the file opened and charge the client fees for the continuing therapy sessions. In my opinion the role of a counsellor blurs in a school environment. Providing care and emotional support may sound more like menthoring than therapy but I feel is desirable for the children's well being. Must we always have to follow rules and guidelines? Can we not follow our heart sometimes? Maybe I can suggest a lower charge for methoring sessions, or offer them free of charge if it makes things easier hahaha.

I find it rather difficult to close the door on my clients. As one of my child puts it when I asked why he still wants to come for counselling, "Here I can talk about myself".

Wise Parenting

The New York Times ran an excerpt from a book by author Amy Chua an American Chinese who is a professor in Yale Law School. The book is titled "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" and the article in the NY Times drew thousands of comments. The Singapore ST also ran the article and today Lee Wei Ling gave her views based on her own upbringing and that of her siblings.

If you have not read the article, in a nutshell, the author views the Chinese parents' rigid way of upbringing as more effective compared to the liberal Western style of parenting. She is refering to the very focused style of parenting to drive the children to be successful and to develop their potentials. She opines that only with success can the child gain confidence which will then result in the child becoming interested in that field. She quoted as an example her own way of using all kinds of threats, screams and draconian regime to get her younger daughter to master a piano piece (including threatening to donate her favourite doll house to the Salvation Army). With great perserverance on her part (which such draconian measures call for)the child overcame her initial resistance and miraculously managed the very difficult piece one day after hours and hours of enforced practice. Since then the child believes in her own talent and has much more interest in music.

Apparently Amy Chua received loads of comments about how wrong she can be (although there were also many Westerners who supported her style and admitted to the ineffectiveness of being too liberal with their kids). One American Chinese young lady described how her elder sister (who was the dream child of every Chinese American mother ie. entered Harvard, went into consulting, married a doctor) killed herself. Again this may be just a rare case amongst a host of successful cases although statistics do show that Asian American females have one of the highest suicide rate in US.

Lee Wei Ling in her article alluded to the need for each parent to decide whether the child needs pushing and how much of it. She used the example of her own mother who was wise to observe that Lee Wei Ling was so strongly self-motivated that she did not need that extra regimentation. Instead her parents encouraged her to develop more areas of interest apart from academics. Her mother allowed her and her siblings a free rein to pursue their own interests, but then one must realise this family is very self motivated to say the least. However she concluded that her achievement orientated personality often causes her to be filled with angst.

I can not agree more with her that to be a wise parent one has to understand what the child needs. As a school counsellor I have encountered several students who lose interest in class because they simply can not follow; and this is due to the lack of coaching and supervision from parents. Sad to say this is common with many Malay families who place less pressure on their children to complete their homework and also fail to supervise their children in their studies. When the children perform poorly in school they lose self esteem and needless to say encounter host of problems as a result.

I must however admit I am also far from being wise in parenting. I remembered when my daughter was in primary school she asked me why I never gave her assessment books to work on. I was really dumb and failed to see that she was a very achievement oriented child. Having read widely on child upbringing books written by Westerners I subscribed to things like never put your child down, a bit like how Amy Chua describes that a Western parent will be happy with an A minus. In an honest and frank exchange with my daughter some time back, she compared herself with the way her American born Asian classmates were brought up. She felt that she could have benefitted more from the "Tiger Mother's" consistent rant of "You Can Do It". I honestly think so too.

I was discussing the article with my husband yesterday. We talked about how unwise we have been. My husband thinks I can make amends now. I have to be very very very strict and rigid from now on with our daughter; and the mandate and fierce instruction is "To get married and have children". You see just like Amy Chua's daughter who discovers her interest in piano after mastering it, so will our young people discover the joys of family and children after being forced to get married. dui ma?

Krabi

Spent last weekend at Krabi and went for body massage by the same masseur for 2 consecutive days. The far end of the Krabi beach is lined with several massage shops each occupying a large open sided attap hut with wooden flooring and lined with 2 long neat rows of mattresses. Each shop also provides the customer with a deck chair to relax at the shady beach before and after the massage as well as free pineapples and coffee.

I settled for this middle-age motherly looking masseur. As I laid downward on the mattress I became totally relaxed as the massage progressed. The masseurs chit chatted softly amongst themselves in melodious Thai whispers whilst the light cool sea breeze touched my bare body like silk. When massaging my leg the masseur let it rest on her lap. In an instance I imagined myself as a baby amongst a few other babies being put to sleep by their mothers whilst they engaged in soft housewife chatter. The world was so safe, so secure, so serene.

A matter of Attitude

An interesting BBC interview with a doctor (which I heard over podcast) casts more meaning into what I have been reading of late. It also made me reflect about a brief encounter I had yesterday.

The BBC interview was with a US Houston based 30 year old paediatrician who spent one month in Kabul, Afghanistan. She spent her first few days trying hard to swat away the flies settling on her child patients. The lack of resources, the common sight of children without limbs (Afghanistan being filled with landmines), the fact that 1 in 5 children never reach the age of 6 gave her a sense of fatalism when she left the country. ( I checked the meaning of fatalism, one definition being "the acceptance against inevitability or fate" ). She wondered why mothers bond with their children knowing they may have to bury them.

Upon her return to US or into the world that believes that you can get what you want as long as you work hard enough on it, she reflected upon her experiences and how mothers in Afghanistan live their lives. She sees in them "not a resignation", not a sense of "soulless fatalism" but a "commitment to humanity". They are "not consumed by their victim hood" but preserve a quiet "dignity" through the despair. She recalls the smile on the faces of children looking at death. She realises that the kids are the ultimate cure, they are the sunshine and the spring.

Of late I have been reading about existentialism 101. My impresssion of an existentialist is one who believes that he is responsible for creating meaning in his own life ie. he has the power to decide what sort of a life he wants to lead and what attitude he chooses to adopt in every situation. Very often existentialists just do what is deemed necessary in adverse circumstances adopting a stoic composure if you like. This is quite similar to the parable of 2 arrows often quoted by Buddhist teachers. A person may suffer physical pain when shot by an arrow. However his pain will be doubled, like being shot by a second arrow, when he continues to agonise, grieve or feel angry about his predicament. In the case of Afghan mothers, they choose to see "the sunshine and the spring" in their children despite all odds.

My brief encounter yesterday is really a day to day mundance occurrence. There is this small nursery in the middle of nowhere in the vastness of Pasir Ris Park with its several links. We often come across the nursery when we cycle at the park, but inevitably my husband will stop and browse through it even though it does not have much to shout about given the few vegetable plants, herbs and flora with their faded labels. As I followed him pushing our bikes through I heard a loud voice from a man whom I didnt notice as I entered. He had stopped his bike near the entrance of the nursery and was shouting at his son to move on. The boy of about 10 or 11 had pushed his bike into the nursery ahead of us, seemingly against his father's orders. "Stop and look at the plants lah," the boy shouted back. I noticed he was taking his time looking at the various plants and I wondered to myself how rare it was for a Singapore kid to be interested in plants. For a moment I wondered whether he was trying to be rebellious and purposely trying to irritate his father. However as my husband pointed out a young fruit, a pod, a bud or a local pea to the disinterested me who is also literally green-colour blind, the boy displayed interest and hanged around him. We then came out of the nursery from another exit whilst the boy still lingered. I was about to comment aloud to my husband about how unusual it is to find a boy interested in plants when I spotted the gruffly and angry looking father waiting on his stationary bike at this other exit. Yes a mundane incident but just the same if the father had chosen to adopt a less huff and puff attitude and joined his son in the nursery walk, both might have cycled home feeling a bit warmer at the heart.

Review of Needs

I like this Woody Allen quote when wondering what the new year holds for us:

"It is difficult to make predictions, especially about the future"

Some predictions may seem necessary in order for us to plan, especially with respect to our financial investments. However, the overall objective of planning for another year is to promote our own well-being. If I have to drill further as to what constitutes well-being, I will fall back onto my template based on Reality Therapy's basic needs. Once again I remind myself of these essential needs being that of

1) Survival (food, shelter, healthy body)
2) Love and Belonging
3) Power (including learning, achievement and feeling worthwhile)
4) Fun
5) Freedom (including independence, autonomy, one’s own 'space')

Personally I feel the first, third and fourth of the above needs are more within our control, ie. if one chooses to make it happen, is committed and chooses the right actions to achieve them, they are not unattainable.

To me, the second and fifth needs are more challenging as they can be psychological in nature as well, ie. they also hinge on one's own belief and perception. As for me, this year I plan to gain more "Freedom" which is to free myself from the shackles of a story which I probably adopted for myself since I was a kid, a belief that "it is dangerous not to worry".

Another quote may be useful in my quest:

"Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all"- Ovid