I was allowed to cry with my client

If you are a Christian you would say "God work in a miraculous way". But as a non Christian I just got the feeling that somehow in life we are meant for each other in some small ways and in a strange connectedness.
Last weekend my lecturer discussed grief and loss, which can be any "ruptured attachment". We broke into small groups to discuss a loss which we have encountered and to think of the resultant losses that accompany it eg. loss of hope, loss of control etc. In my small group, a participant described the loss of a family member and my lecturer happened to be with us when going round to observe. As it was quite an emotional session we actually got to witness how the lecturer handled the situation and helped my class mate processed her grief.
This week back at the school where I volunteer, the school counsellor handed me a case about a teenage girl who has some relationship problem with her mother, a widow. I thought to myself casually there may be some unresolved issue about the loss of her father, which I could then apply what I have learnt. Usually for the first session I am quite relaxed because it is more like building rapport to win the client's trust before they will open up and pour their heart.
I was quite taken aback when it took less than 10 minutes for the girl to pour out her grief over the loss of her father who passed away quite suddenly 5 years ago. I would not have known how to react if not for the example shown by my lecturer. In fact when one of my classmates asked whether it was ok if the counsellor shed tears, my lecturer commented that it shows that the counsellor cares and we are human aren't we. Thank goodness for that answer because I actually pulled a tissue and dried my eyes and said softly to my client " You really touched me". See, the girl feels so insecure because in addition to the loss, her mother also had breast cancer though now in remission.
So I used exactly the same method, said almost the same things that my lecturer did. The session lasted almost 2 hours, after which she said she had not shared so much about her sadness before. Walking home I began to feel the little things we do really affect each other; my classmate who was so brave in sharing a loss which still hurts, the lecturer in being with our group at the right moment resulting in me being taught what to say and how to help, and the girl presenting herself this week (she had turned down an earlier appointment a few months ago). I think of it as we being tiny threads in a piece of fabric.

Frustrations of the wealthy and powerful

Interesting extract from article "Challenges of $600-a-session Patients" published in New York Times July 7 2008:

"It is not uncommon to find in wealthy and powerful patients an extremely low tolerance for frustration, the therapists said.

Dr. Seth Aidinoff, a NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital psychiatrist who practices on the Upper East Side and also consults for hedge funds and Wall Street firms, illustrated the consequences with the Saturday-afternoon choice faced by “your typical master of the universe,” who can either play outside with his 7-year-old or stay inside to complete a business deal on the phone.

“The phone call might involve the most important and interesting people in the world, being well compensated for his time, and the chance to handle it with A-plus skill,” Dr. Aidinoff said. “Whereas playing with his 7-year-old might be sort of boring, or unsatisfying; his son might not fully express his appreciation, or the child could even be in a bad mood. So this person might find himself terrified of spending time with his child because it’s not an activity he can control or succeed at the high level of accomplishment to which he is accustomed.”

Because so much of ordinary life is built on small failures and frustrations, therapists see among this patient group a great disenchantment. "

Read the whole article if you can afford the time.

Object of desire- Instant delight

Watched the news about people queuing up to 3 days to get I-phones. A customer was visibly happy to get one after forgoing a few nights' sleep. I often wondered about how people can get so thrilled in getting their "object of desire". I started to think what is my own object of desire that could render such joy. By golly, I felt a bit embarrassed to think it could be 'money' itself. I remember being so thrilled and exhilarated during the heady, hazy, happy days of the stock market bull run, hahaha. I then psycho myself such worldly pleasures do not last. Yet, I am no saint. I am wondering now whether a person can like money and at the same time like to help people.

Counselling students can arouse feelings alternating between contentment and sadness, content when some change for the better is observed, sad when students seem so helpless in their predicament of low esteem,trapped in an unfavourable environment. I think my greatest challenge becoming a counsellor is to be less attached. My heart despairs when my young clients declare they "don't care" or they are "ok" but you can see the empty gaze in their eyes, the sense of futility. Sigh, the school counsellor whom I am assisting is thinking of quitting and changing line.

So after the counselling sessions in school, I go home, on CNBC and my mood can be lifted instantly when certain stock is doing well (of course during the recent down swings it does more dampening than lifting haha). That is exactly what I mean: money is the object of instant delight.

However deep in me I know I have to allocate more time to do the job well if counselling is the confirmed path. See, a lot more research, thought and further learning is required to improve on the skill set handling all the varied issues. This is especially so when I start my internship with a Family Service Centre end of the year.

Hence I should review my portfolio and switch to the safer and defensive stocks that do not need much monitoring. Hopefully they can bring some delight from time to time.

Strange thoughts at Redang

Had an idyllic holiday with my family at Redang Island, bathing in the crystal clear turquoise sea water, snorkelling for hours surrounded by shoals of fishes and gazing at big sea cucumbers and unspoilt corals.

Perhaps staying afloat in a life jacket (facing downwards) for hours may have affected my brains a little. Back at the beach, waking up from a nap, lounged on a deck chair in a paivlion draped with white chiffon curtains, I began to entertain strange thoughts. The soft drone of a far off motor boat, the chirpings of the birds, the figures dotting the sea, toddlers playing sand on the beach, people lazing on rows of deck chairs under attap sheds and insects buzzing around became part of a painting in a big white canvas. BUT a hundred years from that moment, not a single life in that picture would remain, no not even the corals beneath the sea. Yes all would have passed on and a totally new set of life will be there in its place. Perhaps a tree or a form of flora may be still around, otherwise none of the plentiful living things in this painting still live. And yes, such is the nature of the world, life moves on only to be replaced by others, there is no holding on.

In the evening, dining at the seaside restaurant, entertained by my daughter's amusing anecdotes and exaggerated descriptions of her classmates in New York, I was having such a good feeling when suddenly I thought to myself how good it would be if the world stood still at that moment forever. Yes I wanted that feeling to remain forever. The zest for new experiences and new adventures was in her blood whereas for me it was the wish to hold on to a good feeling. Therein lies the difference in needs between her and me.

Thinker, Feeler, Doer

Went for my second supervision (meaning I counsel someone under the watchful eyes of an experienced counselor). Argh......with feedback from first session, I tried to avoid the same mistakes second time round on a different client. Ha again backfired. See the first time I was told not to rush the client towards a goal when the client was not ready and just wanted to express her feelings. So this round I just paced the client and let her talk and reflect, talk and reflect moving in circles. At the end of the session the supervisor asked me whether I knew what the client wanted out of the counseling session? Huh? In my heart I said "I thought you told me I can not rush the client? Oh man you really confused me!"

Went home and over dinner shared about how my supervisor really confused me. My son just remarked "maybe circumstances are different ". That set me thinking. Counseling is of course no exact science. You can not apply a set of procedures throughout although you learn to give appropriate responses (externalised, personalised etc), try to help client see blind spot and how their thinking affects them; and various skills to guide clients to explore, understand and take actions. However fundamentally, each person is unique and the same set of intervention strategy can not be applied to another person. So a counselor needs to be intuitive and creative.
Not easy hhuh.

But what may help is to try and decipher whether the person is more of a thinking, feeling or doing person. So whilst the client for the first supervision is a feeling person, the client for the second supervision is a thinking person, hence I should not have led her round and round but should have gotten her to think what she really wanted.

Basically a thinker is one who analyses a lot but may risk ignoring his feelings and perhaps not acting. A feeler relies on emotions and is more subjective in his decision making process hence risking insufficient analysis and procrastinating as well. The doer is driven by the need to act and is not burdened by too much analysis and feeling. However he runs the risk of ignoring his feelings and not rationalising. We have all these in us, but one aspect may be more predominant. Hence understanding the type that the client belongs to may help the counselor find the open door to the client faster.

My Little Troll

During school holidays the attendance for the story telling session rises to around 30+ and can be quite difficult to manage. Yesterday to my huge surprise, 30 odd children sat through my story about the Little Troll, tracking his sadness and joy. I have learnt from experience the trick to hold their attention is to get a good story and add a lot of drama, almost like Johnny Depp in Choco Factory style (needless to say no parents are allowed to see me make a fool of myself).OK read on only if you have nothing much to do.

Well, trolls were little human like creatures, short, hunched, hairy, with a red rim round their small eyes, spoke coursely and loved to hiss and howl. Trolls hated human because human beings are tall, straight and speak smoothly. Well there was once this little troll that liked human a lot. He loved to hide behind rocks to observe how little children, woodcutter, farmer's wives etc behaved and talked. One day he ventured into the village church attracted by the sound of the church bell (Christians will love this). He peeped inside the church but because it was winter he couldnt see what was inside beyond some figures and the vague glow of candlelight But he knew there was something good inside which was beyond his reach, hence a tear rolled from his eyes and he went away and gave a long sad howl. (The howl that I gave out in that little room must have moved the children's hearts, for they fixed their sad little eyes on me and the room was quiet).
Coming back to the story, the little troll overheard a woodcutter telling his grandson to care for other people and be helpful otherwise he would be no more than a troll. The little troll now knew the main difference between human and troll. (Ye adults, hold your skepticism. I know you must be saying, "Are you joking? Humans caring?) Anyway from that day onwards the little troll quietly filled up the baskets of little children, woodcutters and women who went to the forest to collect flowers, berries, mushroom and wood. He also protected them from wild animals and falling trees. There was a girl who loved to go the forest to collect flowers. On the last day of autumn, on her last visit she asked aloud from whoever had been helping her but remained unknown, what he would like in return. Receiving no response she placed half her mid day lunch on a stone and was about to walk away when a hoarse voice requested her to breathe into the church window on Christmas Day so that one can see the inside of the church from outside. Meanwhile the little troll was thrown out by his kind because he had grown taller, straighter and his voice gentler. In the cold winter he felt he belonged neither to the trolls nor the human. Just then the church bells reminded him of Christmas. Ok the joyful end to all this was that the girl saw the longing eyes outside pressed against the church window when she went to breathe hot air into the window pane. She led him into the church with the whole congregation welcoming him. (Again adults suspend your cynicism and thoughts about how the troll may probably be bullied or something if he lived with them).

What My Little Troll led me into however was that I realised how much I enjoyed the aura of innocence and simplicity around me when I am with children. Perhaps this Little Troll is telling me that is an area I may explore further.

Unfortunate to be fortunate???

I belong to the generation of baby boomers who though had it rough in childhood, through the good luck of being academically inclined and armed with a college qualification, rode on the economic wave when Singapore moved from developing to develped status. I move in a small circle of colleagues,ex-classmates, husband's ex-classmates, all in similar mould who own private property, own club membership, car, goes for annual holiday and whose children mainly go to top 10 schools, JCs and on to university. Most are also Christians although this feature I run short of. Yeh, the lucky generation who suffered some hardship as a child, but lived comfortably for a long while from adulthood and expectantly thereafter.So amongst my counsins in my father's large extended family, you can see the marked difference in lifestyle between the acamdemically successful and the not so academically successful, other than the few entrepreneurial ones. My thought today is not whether this "protected" class and their offsprings will stay forever protected from the ills of economic and social upheaval, although this can be deliberated some other day. (See, many of the people in this class even have the means to make provision to ensure each of their children have a roof over their heads). My thoughts for today is that those who enjoyed privileges as something that comes naturally may feel deprived quite easily.

Hmmm.... what the heck am I talking about, I am a bit confused.Well, what starts me on this trend of thought was a small incident after taiji class this morning. My club rings off a certain area of the car park for taiji every Sunday morning until about 9.15 am when the class ends. The part fenced off is the area closest to the check in area of the swimming pool and the gym. This fencing off practice has inconvenienced people who have to walk about 50 meters to the check in area, for their weekend "Exercise Regime".Compliants have been lodged but sacrifices still have to be made for various activities. This morning just as the rope was lifted and whilst the taiji people were still milling in the area, a car sped across to the end. Wah, some alert driver who managed to avoid hitting anyone but who made his point felt.A family alighted with 2 young teenagers in tow. Some great lessons on give and take huh.

My point is the unfortunate thing about being fortunate is perhaps you feel a natural right to everything and is hurt and shocked when you do not have it. Calamities, misfortunes, financial struggles, accidents, handicaps are just what you read and watch in the news. They are unreal, they only happen to others, some in faraway land and some closer to home but in another area of town perhaps. And when someone in your "strata" gets windfall from enbloc, someone's kid got into medic school, someone's bonus equals his one year pay, someone made hell of a lot of money from betting on the right stock, (the list is endless), you may feel hey why am I so darn "unlucky" (hello I got masters leh whilst he just got ordinary degree). And then when say some imperfections in life occur, you will feel really shocked it happened to you, for example "I can't believe this can happen to me, my son can not get into the top JCs, or my daughter is anorexic or my wife quits her job due to what she claims to be too stressful (ahem) or the bloody neighbour on the 9th floor blocks the enbloc and now we will probably miss it" and so on. And if one continues to sail on and on and on in a fortunate state of perfect life, one will really be upset when " hell,I have to park my car 50 meters from the entrance".