Of Heart & Mind

So this is the last blog of the year:

Wither goes my heart?
Wiser by the crawl of a tiny slug
Hanging onto habits like moss on damp rocks

Wherefore the baffle in my mind?
People and the things of the world perplex me more and more
Often I sigh unable to comprehend

Henceforth, what path to take in this foliage?
Plod on little slug, plod on
Glimpses of the golden sun will always be there to catch.

Xmas Eve ramblings

Went for a check up at KK Hospital yesterday. The clerk at the registration desk was super friendly and in chatty mood. She sounded like a Filipino but the name plate suggested Chinese. She then shared that she is married to a Singaporean, has been here for 21 years and her son is serving NS. Though husband is long retired due to illness and they live only in a 3 room HDB flat, she kept on repeating that she feels so blessed and was looking to celebrate Xmas. She reiterated again and again the blessing of living in Singapore, so I remarked that PAP should recruit her to campaign for them. She laughed and told me briefly about the hardship she experienced during childhood which made her so grateful for what she has today. I told her she made me ashamed and that she should talk to my children because we the true bred Singaporeans are rarely appreciative.

It just goes to show that doses of hardship in life do bring about happiness and appreciative joy. Yet there are also difficult experiences which do leave unfavorable scars and imprints in the lives of many. On this Xmas eve I should refrain from talking about the Buddhist concept of the "ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows" and how transcending them leads to peace.

 Yesterday I was discussing with a friend, a Catholic, about the documentary in History Channel on the Bible which traced the history of the Israelis from Abraham to Moses to Kings David & Solomon to Daniel and fast forward to Jesus. It is always a great puzzle to me why the Jews rejected Jesus whilst the whole Western world embraces him as the son of God. We discussed the Messiah that the Jews are still perhaps waiting for and what they expect of a Messiah, one who perhaps so powerful in all his glory that they perceived Jesus fell short of. We then went on to 'gossip' about the unrepenting Kong Hee and the prosperity gospel taught by Prince. We shared disbelief that people can be so taken in by religious leaders to suspend reasoning. My friend then asked me discreetly whether I still do not have affinity for Christianity. I replied that sometimes when I think about the earth in the whole wide universe being the only planet with intelligent life (or at least as far as we know today) it makes me think instinctively that there is surely a God. However I find it hard to believe in a Judaism God because of the enormous sufferings throughout the millenniums brought about by strife and conflict in the Middle East. It seems lame that God would let his "chosen people" suffer so badly. What kind of unreasonable test is this?

So I told my friend I am more inclined to Buddhism which teaches the way to live. Yes, there is no God involved here or rather Buddha said it isn't wise to ponder whether there is a creator because you will never find the answer. Buddhism is a philosophy that focuses on skillful living. Indeed it is a most difficult religion because there is no divine power to reach out for when one's soul is tormented, for the Buddha is within ourselves to discover. Yet when one works hard on it one can find peace incrementally. There is a special rapport between me and this Catholic friend of mine in that we respect each other's views on religion. So whilst I do admit that at times it is hard to believe there is no god, she consents that Buddhism is a good philosophy.

So on this Xmas Eve, a Xmas tree is up in my living room celebrating the birth of Jesus who guides about half the world through centuries to live well, indeed a Great Figure whether he is the son of God or not. Having written this it is also time for my meditation to hopefully catch a glimpse or two of the undisturbed mind within me.

Lessons from a Bumpy Elephant Ride

The itinerary of a recent tour to Chiangmai includes a visit to the Elephant Camp where you watch elephants paint and perform stunts as well as a ride on an elephant crossing stretches of a stream and through some forest terrains. Having heard from someone that the ride can be quite scary especially when the elephant goes up and down steep slopes there was some fear when I stood on the platform waiting to ride the next elephant that arrived. The woman in the same tour and queuing after me told her husband she wanted to quit after observing the height of the row of elephants approaching the platform. That made me more fearful. The next elephant that approached which was meant for me and my husband to ride turned out to be quite short and young and measured only two third the height of the matured elephant trotting behind it. The woman behind me then suggested to me to swap elephants. I told her no way I would do that because I was just as nervous. So my husband and me stepped onto the seat fastened above the young elephant. What I didn't know was shorter doesn't mean safer.

It was already past two and the park closes at 3 pm. Either the trainer riding the young elephant or the elephant itself or both were impatient and wanted to reach home base to rest. So whilst every other matured elephant went slowly in an orderly manner down the slope following the one in front, my young elephant and its driver were bent on overtaking the elephants in front sometimes sidestepping on untrodden path and going "stomp, stomp, stomp" instead of the slow and steady step by step rhythm. Even after getting used to the initial fearful sensation of falling I could not help but pleaded the driver not to overtake; all to no avail because he didn't understand English. Nevertheless I got used to their style and kind of enjoyed the last stretch of the ride.

Thinking through the sequence of this encounter, I was fearful, I was given a chance to choose what unknown to me was a less hazardous alternative but I declined out of fear and selfishness. Fortunately all went well. I just think that sometimes in life you can actually walk away from something which could have been good for you. If out of ignorance then nothing much can be said but if out of selfishness then you deserve it. (Maybe the elephant wanted to teach me a lesson). Fortunately I got away with just a bumpy ride that scared the wits out of me.

Anyhow with hindsight I wouldn't wish that for the lady, would I?

Think before you shoot?

Dropped in at the wet market this morning after taiji class which is not my routine. The usual fish stall which I patronise ran out of prawns. So I bought from a relatively new stall run by a few men including an old man. The tray which they displayed the prawns was a few feet from the weighing machine. I took a close look at the prawns, satisfied with the quality and ordered half a kilo. The old man took some in a sieve, walked the few feet to have them weighed, put them inside a plastic bag and handed it to me. The first thought that came to my mind was the impossibility that the weight was exactly half a kilo and the second thought that arose (judging from the look of the stallholders) was that of being cheated a couple of grams. Whilst digging into my purse I asked in Chinese about the adequacy of the weight. Un-offended, the old man briefly put the plastic bag on the machine which I took a quick glance and smiled in embarrassment. The old man smiled and said they can only give more and not less. At home whilst cleaning the prawns, I knew it was actually a lot more.

My lack of trust lies in my flaw in judging people by appearance. With hindsight the old guy actually looks honest enough but the other younger men in the stall look a bit like gangsters. Also my mother's mistrust of all stall holders in wet markets had rubbed onto me since young.

This is known as 'implicit bias' where we have subconscious fixed perceptions of people; or may be described as stereotyping on a less conscious level.

A study was carried out in the US known as the "Shoot, Don't Shoot Study" where participants sat in front of a computer with photos popping up very quickly of white and black man randomly. The man that appeared on the monitor either had a gun or a neutral object like a handphone in his hand. The participant was told to hit a 'shoot' key when they saw a threat and a 'don't shoot' key when they didn't see a threat. The findings have shown that out of implicit bias, some people are quicker to shoot an unarmed black man than an unarmed white man. This also partly explains the black crime implicit bias amongst policemen in the US.

I notice my implicit bias of people is not only confined to appearance. I would also stereotype people with specific educational, socio-economic, cultural and religious background. So I would have fixed perceptions of say people wearing tattoos, female China nationals, staunch Catholics or specialists who drive big luxurious cars just to name a few.

Implicit bias can be slowly and gradually corrected through gathering of experience or understanding which proves the fixed perception inaccurate, like my encounter. However it is best and faster dealt with from a conscious recognition of the pre-existing bias and cognitively checking our reactions and responses. After all how often are you lucky enough to be given much more than you deserve by burly looking tattooed men. I must learnt to refrain from shooting (negative remarks/responses) out of ingrained bias.