Passion

Today's ST carried an article about a 28 year old tattoo artist who after carefully weighing the risks involved went ahead to Sydney to have his eyeballs tattooed. Other than the high risk of infection which may lead to loss of sight the procedure is irreversible. . The procedure involves injecting coloured ink into the sclera  to colour the white of the eyes. Even the eye tattooist himself would caution his clients especially the younger ones about their life time decision which may affect their prospects when attending job interviews.

Something in a remark made by the 28 year old man strikes me. He said he had to do it remarking "It was just on my to-do list". It makes me ponder whether a "to-do list at 28" is way more compelling than say a to-do list at middle age or later. Does the to-do list varies at different stages of our life? Or is it just an attribute of the level of passion we are born with? What was mine at 28 or did I even have one? Wait a minute. What is the definition of a to-do list? Oxford's definition is "A list of tasks that needs to be completed, typically organized in order of priority". I guess at middle age and later you will have to add the words "before I die" into the above definition. So is the urgency more pronounced  in later years than earlier. My gut feel is it is irrespective of age and stems from personality traits. An impassive person will always have the seemingly unachievable list no matter the age. I guess that's why I can't even remember whether I even had one at 28 or perhaps even now.

Thus despite how crazy I think this guy was, how I feel he never contemplated sufficiently the consequences of his actions, how it is beyond me a person can so nonchalantly decides on an irreversible action; there is something in him that strikes me , something which I know is lacking in me, something I can take a leaf off from his book.

His Passion (misplaced or not)

Gambling addiction

I have earlier diagnosed myself to lack FUN in my checklist  of psychological needs.
So I did have some fun at Genting Highlands casino. During a recent  one nite stay, I entered the casino 3 times, on the day of arrival after a quick lunch and nap (one needs to be fresh to win), a late nite engagement after dinner and the morning-after attempt to recruit overnight losses. My take away from this trip is no different from the past, ie. you can never win them unless you are strictly disciplined or programmed to walk away from greed. Inevitably whatever small winnings gained will be squandered from greed and the dream to win big.

During this trip I have gained some further insight which is the pleasurable and dangerous taste of addiction. On the morning of departure I had to quit gambling by half past 11 to check out of my hotel room which I did. However I grumbled at my husband who took his own sweet time to have a bath which brought us past the check out time. My grouses was I could have stayed longer in the casino because "I was on a winning-back streak"! As I left the resort I thought to myself I should come back more often as I did have FUN and it really isn't a long ride from Singapore.

Now what's the fun? When I patronise casinos I only played the Big/Small game where the dealer rolls 3 dice in a concealed jar, the total of which determines whether the outcome is considered big or small. There are of course many many variations or combinations one can bet on., placing one's chips on the huge glass tables with flickering numbers and pictures of dices. The fun as I analyzed it arises from a few processes:

-the thrill of making predictions based on one's imagined cleverness of observing the trend and getting it right (there was this Singaporean couple, middle aged, white collar type diligently recording the results in a notebook!)
-the roller coaster feeling of ecstasy and disappointment
-the joy of hearing Chinese National women cursing and a group of English speaking Singaporean retirees swearing whilst your own chips build up
and to top it all
-the away from This World feeling

It is precisely the last experience which is the root of addiction, what I called "Away from This World Feeling". See, it is like an escape. Time fleets when one concentrates. There was no room for other thoughts, memories and mind interferences.  You feel like you are in a different world and the the world out there does not seem as real, the line blurs between the real and the unreal. So if one is troubled one can easily escape into this 'Other' world. Yes, that must be the experience of addiction!!!

Having what I thought was a taste of addiction I entertained the idea of learning counselling strategies on gambling addiction to help addicts. Haha at least I can empathize with them. Or will the exchange of thrilling moments see me walking into the casino with the client.

A Haunting tale

Yesterday's Sunday Times carried an article by David Brook of the New York Times. In it he discussed a short story entitled The Ones Who Walk Away from Omela written by Ursula Le Guin. In the story an Utopian like beautiful and peaceful city called Omela was inhabited by happy people. A typical festival day with delicious beer and horse races would find an old lady laughing whilst handing out flowers to passers by. Tall men wear them in their shiny hair. Delightful music fills the air from a young child playing a flute. All's idyllic and magical except for one young child who was locked up in a small dark room in the basement of a building, abandoned, ill fed and undernourished sitting on her own excrement. Weak in mind and body, the child cried out to be let out promising to be good. However such was the contract that the people of Omela had entered that for the well being of all that child alone must take all the miseries. Some people came to take a look whilst others just knew of her existence. They knew that freeing her will cause the utopia to collapse destroying the city's idyllic state, the tender relationship amongst people and their children's' good health.However they are also people who can not live under such a social contract and choose to walk away from Omela into the mountains.

David Brooks discussed 3 interpretations. One about exploitation in societies, another about the utilitarian mindset and a third about the psychological make up within oneself.

-Many of us are aware of the exploitation behind the cheap consumer products and the comforts we enjoy in our life.

-The utilitarian concept justifies the miseries of some for the benefits for most, ie. tradeoffs for the greater good.

-Within our psychological self, the trappings of modern life have numbed us to abandon our idealism and left it to shrink like the child in the basement.

A very haunting story indeed. I picture myself as a citizen of Omela taking a look into the dark room where the helpless child is pleading for help. My heart will cringe but I also know that outside the sun shines brightly on a sea of happy faces.

Henceforth ???

Effort

Honestly it is difficult to begin the new year with a bright note. The fatalities resulting from all the sporadic terrorist attacks, the air tragedies, uncertainties arising from oil price shocks and gloomy economic environment bring very little cheer. It didn't help that my first session of the year with my counselee at the Girls' Home almost caused me to tear up. She described her home environment before she ran away. It was desolate. Amidst parental neglect and physical abuse she had to shelter her younger step siblings. In fact her acute awareness of the whole situation was like that of a mother to her own parents.

Recently Tommy Koh had to come out in the press to admit the facts he quoted in his article "Three wishes for the new year" were inaccurate. He had said earlier that a third of our school going children do not have money for lunch. Though it sounds rather ludicrous given the various financial schemes available,  I feel the essence of his message is about wakening up to the forgotten segment of our society that needs assistance. That is so true and beckons for attention.

On a personal front, a start of year review made me really wish for 3 things.

I have found myself becoming more sullen. Fortunately I am aware of it. It may have been my association with children from dysfunctional families. I guess it is not just the despair but the feeling of paralysis within the structure and family system.

Hence the first wish for myself is embodied in this T S Eliot's quote: "Teach us to care and not to care". It is really about having more wisdom not only to know when to care and when not to care; but also about how to transform the appropriate caring into effective words and actions. (Honestly I often feel so handicapped by my lack of insight and ideas). So there you are the first wish is begging for more wisdom.

Now onto my second wish.
I often used the following Reality Therapy checklist of psychological needs to review my life:
-Freedom(independence, autonomy)
-Fun
-Belonging
-Power (includes accomplishment & achievement)

So yes it is again about having more FUN and giving myself permission to spend money to have more fun. Incidentally this also ties in with Compassion for myself which thus leads on to my third wish which is

To be more Compassionate towards others. (I often feel guilty about being biased and prejudiced after the act)

So there you have it my own 3 wishes.
Sigh... if only they can come true.
Of course it defintiely won't come true without effort.

Let there be EFFORT to make them come true!