I have a classmate at taiji class who travels on an average of more than 4 times a year for leisure and has been to exotic places like Sudan, Nepal, South Africa etc. When she is not travelling she runs a factory and works 12 hours daily for 6 days a week and often goes back to office on Sundays after Taiji. She envies my semi retirement lifestyle but laments that for her retirement is not an option as her business sustains many people and looks forward to the day when her son can finally take over.
This morning she complained about weakness in one leg during taiji and let out a long sigh. I thought it must be quite bad and asked her how she felt. Instead she replied "So many more places to go. Don't know whether I have the chance".
2 days ago I listened to one of many podcasted lectures by Shelly Kagan (Yale professor) on the philosophy of death entitled "How to live given the certainty of death". He talked about how some people need to pack as much as possible in their lifetime given that our lifespan is limited. According to him, if given a choice most people will choose a relatively shorter life packed with good stuff to one long draggy century of "barely worth living" stuff. It also creates anxiety in some in that there is not much room for "do-overs", ie. you don't have the luxury of immortality to try a lot of things to decide what is the thing most worthwhile ie. make your life most valuable. So given the constraints, some may choose to pack life with easily attained pleasures "eat, drink and be merry" whilst others go for the "big potatoes" (lifetime achievements) whilst some settle for a mix of both the above in varying degrees.
The above however is based on a fundamental assumption that life is good and it is a matter of strategy how and what good stuff you want to pack in. He described it as a mainly Western outlook. What if, however, the assumption is life is no good and death is no loss? He described this as an outlook present in Eastern thoughts. He mentioned about the Buddhist concept that life is suffering and to free oneself from such sufferings one has to detach oneself from these good stuff. (The constant desire of good stuff and their impermanence when achieved also cause suffering as I see it). In addition death is terrifying insofar as one worries that it is the end of oneself. However, if there is no attachment to self, there is nothing to loose.
The professor however described himself as a child of the West who does not accept such a negative outlook. Instead he quoted a phrase from a poem which goes like "Once I lived like the gods, and more is not needed".
"Eat drink and be merry"
"Once I lived like the gods, and more is not needed"
"If there is no attachment to self, there is nothing to loose"
All the above are rich fodder for thoughts.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Obedient Wife = Happy Family?
My Malay counselee asked me a couple of days ago whether I know much about the OWC (Obedient Wife Club)which she has strong views against. I had come across that name but had not bothered to know more. She enlightened me about the OWC in KL advising its members to be a "first class prostitute" to their husbands. The club believes that satisfying their husband's sexual desires will prevent loads of social problems and curb the proliferation of prostitution. My counselee does not abide by the idea and thinks the club is advocating wives to be husbands' sexual slaves.
I do not want to disagree with her but instead I shared with her an encounter I had whilst interning at the Family Service Centre some time ago. A husband had called in to ask for counselling because his marriage was on the rocks. He was a young man of early thirties and was able to divulge frankly to me the circumstances leading to the emotional strife between him and his wife. The couple had a new born baby of nine months. His wife had denied him sexual favours right from the day she was aware of the pregnancy until the baby was already nine months. In fustration the young man secretly watched pornography and called sex hotlines in another room while engaging in self satisfaction. When the wife discovered his "secrets" she was abhorred and a cold war ensued between them excalating to the wife toying with the idea of divorce.
Fortunately the marriage had not reached a point of no return and I was able to persuade the wife to have separate counselling sessions with me prior to the joint sessions. To my greatest surprise the young woman had absolutely no knowledge of the physical needs of men. She covered her mouth in horror when I enightened her about the "comfort women" during the Japanese World War II and why the Japanese had to resort to such an evil crime. Armed with researches on the gender differences in sexual needs I highlighted to the young lady that the most common reason women gave for initiating sexual intercourse was to receive love, intimacy and care whilst the most common reason for men was just TO RELEASE SEXUAL TENSION. "Yes" I had told the young woman then and now repeated it to my counselee, "despise them (the men) for all you want about their primitive animal instincts but that is how they are constituted, it is like denying a tiger food!"
I can still remember that case was quite interesting and enlightening for me too. During the joint sessions when I encouraged both husband and wife to express their feelings, the wife described feelings which surprised the husband and myself too. Apparently after she caught her husband in the self satisfaction act (sorry I am too conservative to use the M word here) she could not thereafter remove imaginations of her husband engaging sex with different women whom he chatted with over the sex hotlines. Hearing it directly from his wife, the young man realised for the first time how his activities impacted his wife; and had to repeatedly assure her that not a tinge of emotion was involved with those other women.
I told my counselee that as absurd as the OWC sounds there may be a slight glimpse of good advice in what they are advocating. In fact if I don't remember wrongly, there is a Chinese saying or maybe Cantonese saying (Cantonese always have excuses for vices)that goes like, a perfect wife is one who has the social graces of attending officious functions and at the same time possesses the looseness of behaviour in the private bed chambers (yin fu). Perhaps the OWC just need to change their name and refrain from using the word 'prostitute'. Sure enough in today's papers, the OWC may have a branch in Singapore but probably with a different name, the "Happy Family Club"!
I do not want to disagree with her but instead I shared with her an encounter I had whilst interning at the Family Service Centre some time ago. A husband had called in to ask for counselling because his marriage was on the rocks. He was a young man of early thirties and was able to divulge frankly to me the circumstances leading to the emotional strife between him and his wife. The couple had a new born baby of nine months. His wife had denied him sexual favours right from the day she was aware of the pregnancy until the baby was already nine months. In fustration the young man secretly watched pornography and called sex hotlines in another room while engaging in self satisfaction. When the wife discovered his "secrets" she was abhorred and a cold war ensued between them excalating to the wife toying with the idea of divorce.
Fortunately the marriage had not reached a point of no return and I was able to persuade the wife to have separate counselling sessions with me prior to the joint sessions. To my greatest surprise the young woman had absolutely no knowledge of the physical needs of men. She covered her mouth in horror when I enightened her about the "comfort women" during the Japanese World War II and why the Japanese had to resort to such an evil crime. Armed with researches on the gender differences in sexual needs I highlighted to the young lady that the most common reason women gave for initiating sexual intercourse was to receive love, intimacy and care whilst the most common reason for men was just TO RELEASE SEXUAL TENSION. "Yes" I had told the young woman then and now repeated it to my counselee, "despise them (the men) for all you want about their primitive animal instincts but that is how they are constituted, it is like denying a tiger food!"
I can still remember that case was quite interesting and enlightening for me too. During the joint sessions when I encouraged both husband and wife to express their feelings, the wife described feelings which surprised the husband and myself too. Apparently after she caught her husband in the self satisfaction act (sorry I am too conservative to use the M word here) she could not thereafter remove imaginations of her husband engaging sex with different women whom he chatted with over the sex hotlines. Hearing it directly from his wife, the young man realised for the first time how his activities impacted his wife; and had to repeatedly assure her that not a tinge of emotion was involved with those other women.
I told my counselee that as absurd as the OWC sounds there may be a slight glimpse of good advice in what they are advocating. In fact if I don't remember wrongly, there is a Chinese saying or maybe Cantonese saying (Cantonese always have excuses for vices)that goes like, a perfect wife is one who has the social graces of attending officious functions and at the same time possesses the looseness of behaviour in the private bed chambers (yin fu). Perhaps the OWC just need to change their name and refrain from using the word 'prostitute'. Sure enough in today's papers, the OWC may have a branch in Singapore but probably with a different name, the "Happy Family Club"!
Monday, June 13, 2011
AMD?
The recent news about an old lady being mistreated in a nursing home highlights the problem of shortage in manpower to look after the sickly aged. One can only shudder at the thought of how much worse the situation will be like when the baby boomers become dependent on caregivers en masse. Our children will have to suffer the dilemma of putting us in nursing homes as it is literally impossible for them to quit their job to look after us, given the shortage of manpower and the fewer siblings in a family. It is already an economic strain on their generation to support an overwhelming greying population. I guess the baby boomers have a responsibility to keep healthy but even then it is inevitable that the day will still come when the body succumbs. The reported incident also gave a glimpse into the anguish and differing opinion faced by the children of that old lady in deciding the best care for her. One must also remember that a senile old folk can be a real challenge to look after and can affect the care giver emotionally too.
A few years ago when I visited a mountainous region in Malaysia, I was taken in by the enveloping mountain ranges. They seemed to look upon the world for thousands of years with unquavering tranquility. I remembered having a strange thought then, wondering whether it would be better for a terminally ill person to spend his last days in an abode admist those mountains instead of being wired up in a hospital. The strange thought was perhaps prompted by memories of a Japanese legend. The story has it that in a certain ancient town in Japan it was mandatory for old folks upon reaching 60 years of age to be carried up to the mountain where they would be abandoned. The story of course has a happy ending when the policy was aborted after the mayor recognised the wisdom of an old man who was hidden at home by his son. The story appealed to me in a strange way, not about the abandonment of course but more about dying naturally and with nature. Of course it is like a romantic fantasy of a city folk who runs to the doctor at the slightest health symptom. Having said that I am ever ready to opt out of life support or medical treatment when the situation is inevitable death or permanent coma etc. In this respect I am reminded that I have yet to make a living will or AMD (Advance Medical Directive).
(btw I found out that you have to appoint a person to speak on your behalf in case you can no longer communicate. Apparently the person can not be someone who is a beneficiary of your will. Hmm... rather problematic isn't it!)
A few years ago when I visited a mountainous region in Malaysia, I was taken in by the enveloping mountain ranges. They seemed to look upon the world for thousands of years with unquavering tranquility. I remembered having a strange thought then, wondering whether it would be better for a terminally ill person to spend his last days in an abode admist those mountains instead of being wired up in a hospital. The strange thought was perhaps prompted by memories of a Japanese legend. The story has it that in a certain ancient town in Japan it was mandatory for old folks upon reaching 60 years of age to be carried up to the mountain where they would be abandoned. The story of course has a happy ending when the policy was aborted after the mayor recognised the wisdom of an old man who was hidden at home by his son. The story appealed to me in a strange way, not about the abandonment of course but more about dying naturally and with nature. Of course it is like a romantic fantasy of a city folk who runs to the doctor at the slightest health symptom. Having said that I am ever ready to opt out of life support or medical treatment when the situation is inevitable death or permanent coma etc. In this respect I am reminded that I have yet to make a living will or AMD (Advance Medical Directive).
(btw I found out that you have to appoint a person to speak on your behalf in case you can no longer communicate. Apparently the person can not be someone who is a beneficiary of your will. Hmm... rather problematic isn't it!)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
George Yeo for President?
So George Yeo may run for President. I am delighted to read the news but his initial statements about himself being a "free spirit" and "not temperamentally suited" for the job keeps me pondering what he meant by that.
One of his American friends has written in to the ST forum page, describing him as " a man of vast talent and always a visionary......,slated to make the world a better place....and will go on as an extraordinary representative of Singapore". Indeed I am sure if he becomes our president he will make us all very proud. In my own words, I think he will "more than represent us" and by that I mean he is way way above us, the average Singaporean, in terms of wisdom and vision.
However, I wonder about the role of the President in Singapore. Is he just a ceremonial puppet? Although by law the President's approval is required to draw upon reserves and for appointment of senior civil servants etc, I think he acts largely upon the advice of the cabinet. Are these George Yeo's initial fears, the restrictions (politcally or otherwise) that comes with the job? If so I would rather he goes on to do greater things, maybe in the international scene or perhaps establish a new political party. For at his age and given his "free spirit" I am sure he will want to be authentic which is to act freely and not in conformity to various pressure (social or political etc).
However in today's papers I am also surprised that Tony Tan may join in the fray, quoting the importance of having a President who can "understand the complexities behind each decision the president has to make... during a period of enormous change". So a President can choose not to tow the lines of the cabinet too, is that what it means? If so, the political scene of Singapore is definitely changing and it is time for all of us to wake up too, starting with me finding out what is the real power of our president, hehe.
(btw I suspect Tony Tan may be nudged by PAP to run against Tan Kin Lian. As I found out, should the President block any decision on appointment of top civil servants, parliament with 2/3 votes can overule his decision. In fact parliament with 2/3 majority can amend the constitution and further thwart the powers of the president.
However if one day the ruling party does not have 2/3 majority then the president may end up with some real power. Is that what Tony Tan meant by "a period of enormous change"? Such being the case, PAP will need an affiliate to be President. )
One of his American friends has written in to the ST forum page, describing him as " a man of vast talent and always a visionary......,slated to make the world a better place....and will go on as an extraordinary representative of Singapore". Indeed I am sure if he becomes our president he will make us all very proud. In my own words, I think he will "more than represent us" and by that I mean he is way way above us, the average Singaporean, in terms of wisdom and vision.
However, I wonder about the role of the President in Singapore. Is he just a ceremonial puppet? Although by law the President's approval is required to draw upon reserves and for appointment of senior civil servants etc, I think he acts largely upon the advice of the cabinet. Are these George Yeo's initial fears, the restrictions (politcally or otherwise) that comes with the job? If so I would rather he goes on to do greater things, maybe in the international scene or perhaps establish a new political party. For at his age and given his "free spirit" I am sure he will want to be authentic which is to act freely and not in conformity to various pressure (social or political etc).
However in today's papers I am also surprised that Tony Tan may join in the fray, quoting the importance of having a President who can "understand the complexities behind each decision the president has to make... during a period of enormous change". So a President can choose not to tow the lines of the cabinet too, is that what it means? If so, the political scene of Singapore is definitely changing and it is time for all of us to wake up too, starting with me finding out what is the real power of our president, hehe.
(btw I suspect Tony Tan may be nudged by PAP to run against Tan Kin Lian. As I found out, should the President block any decision on appointment of top civil servants, parliament with 2/3 votes can overule his decision. In fact parliament with 2/3 majority can amend the constitution and further thwart the powers of the president.
However if one day the ruling party does not have 2/3 majority then the president may end up with some real power. Is that what Tony Tan meant by "a period of enormous change"? Such being the case, PAP will need an affiliate to be President. )
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