Awaiting the phone call

The whole of Thursday (my off day), I was waiting for a call from school. I was mentally prepared for a complaint against me by the father of one of my student clients. This primary 5 boy was referred to counselling by his form teacher last year for making small cuts on his hand. His mother claimed that he was stressed out from exams. Mum also shared with me that he often threatens to hurt himself if he does not get what he wants. We discussed and wondered about the anger within him and mum also shared her fears that the boy may be unduly worried that his parents are heading for divorce. She revealed that there is often much argument between her and her husband. During a more recent conversation she spoke about her trip to India praying for the child to be less rude to her.

Yes the boy is a perfectionist trying to excel in everything, hence the stress, but from my engagement with him I also understand more about his family background. The family is quite well off and travels often visiting rich relatives in Australia and India. The boy admires his father, apparently father reads widely and has a wall to wall shelf of books, father does very well in school, father this and father that. AND, father also mentions often that his son (the boy) is the head of the household when he is not around, a role which he takes seriously. The trigger to the boy's angry outbursts is usually when the womenfolk , ie. his elder sister and mother ignore him or are slow to agree with him or abide by his requests.

During the recent one month break mum brought him and sister to India for a grand tour of temples. The boy informed me that they visited 30 temples (could well have been an exaggeration though). I told the boy I was really impressed by his mum's devotion and commitment and wondered what mum prayed for mainly. The boy replied promptly that she prayed for the family's happiness. We then discussed what for mum was the family's happiness. He wasn't sure but when asked what actions of his would make mum happy, all he could think of was him doing well in exams and performing on stage. He couldn't think of anything else. Ok, I then asked him what actions of his will make his mum unhappy, to which he replied when he is angry and shouts at her. I then explored further (which can be rather tricky because children often do not like such probing and I have to stop or refrain depending on their body language) as to how he feels when seeing mum being unhappy. He thought very hard and with a shrug said "nothing". I persisted and showed him a chart with lots of feeling words. From a long list he picked "guilty". I then went on to affirm his good values etc etc.

Actually from what the boy shared with me over several sessions, I form the impression that the father is very male chauvinistic and although mum mentioned about the frequent argument between the couple, I suspect it is the husband who has angry outbursts most of the time. Although in my conversation with mum I have suggested that she advised her husband to refrain from mentioning about his son assuming the role of head of household, I doubt she even dared to bring that up to her husband.

The scope of a school counsellor does not include family therapy, although one can stretch the limit to include some advice when talking to parents. As mentioned in the consent form my contact with the family is the mother.

So on Wednesday I got the boy to work on some Activity Worksheets entitled good and bad habits, starting with his personal habits and moving on to family habits. So he has to draw good habits that he practises before moving on to the not so good ones. Then I got him to work on a worksheet with the following wordings on the left side of the page "Bad Habits can become very difficult problems! My family has a problem that is hard to talk about (draw the problem). The right side of the page is fully filled with a huge dream bubble. Below the bubble, these are the words "This is what I wish could happen (draw and fold).

Our friend drew 2 pictures, one depicting a table filled with plates of food (he said his family overeats) and another a picture of 4 stick figures with speech bubbles containing the word "shouting". He then shared that father shouts the most. In his dream bubble he drew 4 smiling stick figures and a drum. His wish was for the family to stop shouting and the drum describes his wish for everyone to sit down quietly and listen to him beating his traditional drum. Oh, he ever demonstrated to me once and the rythmn was so enchanting.

I asked whether he would like to show the worksheet to his parents. He said he would and I encouraged him. When he left the room I reviewed the wording of the worksheet "my family has a problem....". Will the parents take offence? Will the parents accuse me of trying to influence the child into thinking the parents have problems? Whatever the consequence I still feel that the parents must wake up to the environment their children are brought up in.

No one called. Maybe not yet or maybe the mother stopped him from showing his father the activity worksheet.

Feeling the loss of a Mentor

In the Chinese historical drama "Voyage of Admiral Zheng He", the emperor Yongle had a confidant who was a Buddhist monk whom he always bounced off ideas and got advice from whenever he was troubled or in a dilemma. The monk was able to offer unclouded and objective views from a detached onlooker perspective, albeit a wise one. He often empathised with the emperor's pain of being misunderstood whist introducing visionary policies for the good of the country. At one stage the emperor questioned in jest why he had to bear all the miseries whilst the monk kept his peace and calm.
The presence of an adviser to the emperor in historical dramas always offers some kind of relief in an otherwise heavy and serious story.

Our PM was recently asked whether after LKY, the post of MM (Minister Mentor) will be filled by another person. He replied that the post was personal to LKY as he was a "precious resource". Although in the net there are lots of critiscms and jokes about the PM's high esteem for his "eminent father", I personally feel it is of great benefit for the ruling party to bounce ideas off a visionary mentor. The only drawback of course is,unlike the monk who is detached, the MM may be conflicted in some ways or affected by emotions from his past deeds and experiences.

In many ways I feel it is the same with every individual. I think it is a blessing to have someone whom you can share your most intimate thoughts and troubles; needless to say you will be double blessed if that someone is wise. Visiting my mother's niche during Qing Ming reminds me of the loss of my confidant. Even though I often discounted or ignored her advice (because being of the previous generation she was often too pragmatic for my liking), she was some one whom I was not afraid to tell my troubles and problems. Of course there were also times when I walked off feeling worse or more angry than before for feeling misunderstood or let down by her practical and materialistic approach towards life. However looking back, she was on the whole more of a comfort than pain. It is unrealistic to have a mentor who is wise, with clarity in thoughts arising from calm detachment; and yet loves you much the same.

The Woman's Story

I love watching historical dramas from China. I appreciate their attention to details to build up the atmosphere in every scene and the very professional acting skills. The currently running serial "Voyage of Admiral Zheng He" is one example. In one recent episode I was almost brought to tears in a scene which showed the empress visiting a widowed palace maid who had earlier became the concubine of the emporor's rival in a political move. In a very touching scene, the empress whilst fighting tears shared with the maid her own heart rending worries about her two sons feuding against each other for the position of crown prince. She reminisced the happy days when they were young and described how all her life she had worked tirelessly for the family to be happy. Whilst both women wiped away their tears she stoically said that perhaps that was every woman's "ben fen" (responsibility and duty).

This is a common story that is ingrained in many women, especially Asian women. Is it really "nu ren de ben fen" to work tirelessly to ensure happiness amongst all her family members? Isn't that a tall order? There is also a common quote that "You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child". As long as women hold this belief and abide by the story that their happiness can only be achieved through the happiness of their children, it will be a long tough perilous road.

I went on to research a bit into history on what historically took place. Apparently the eldest son, Hongxi became the next emperor but did no harm to his brother. However it was Hongxi's son, upon succession tortured his uncle to death. Of course the empress had passed on by then, as much as she tirelessly wanted to do "nu ren de ben fen" in her own lifetime.

The Pack of Hungry Wolves

The way I see it the insults, cruel remarks and teasings on the web about PAP's youngest candidate can best be described as a pack of very hungry wolves, so severely starved and on a constant look-out for prey, pouncing on a helpless chick left unguarded out of the coop. It is therefore inevitable as it is a natural behaviour arising from severe starvation.

The ruling party pleas for the netizen's rational thinking alluding to the country's quantum leap to first world economic status, the stable government which attracted foreign investments, the able leadership this far etc etc. However many of its citizens reckon all these at the back of their mind but yet demand change to the one party system. It is almost like an instinctive or innate desire that sometimes defy logic. What do these wolves hunger for? It is as if these wolves were kept in an enclosure or maybe a zoo, were fed their regular meals, but could not live out their life as born hunters gaming at the first smell of blood. The hunter instinct is so well repressed that it bursts out in the form of imagined hunger so exaggerated that it has to be appeased at all cost.

Amongst the social causes that attribute to the fall of the almighty city of Ancient Rome is the decline in patriotism and allegiance to the state, a form of disengagement amongst the masses. This was accentuated by a decline in moral fibre. Citizens lost interest in the government as it became too distant for them.

So if the wolves are behaving hungry, it may still be a good sign. At least they are not lying in coma in their nurseries.