Alone

 

There are moments when you are absolutely free from routine tasks and scheduled activities. You may feel like "At last I am totally alone and at liberty to spend time with myself". This momentary relief however may quickly turn to a feeling of being at a loss. It may feel empty without any form of attachment. This kind of voidness will spur you to quickly find something to do to reinstate yourself as some entity with a list of responsibilities, favourite activities and plans.

It is the fear of non identity that leads us to grasp  something that stimulate our senses and reestablish our memories, habitual perceptions or thoughts that represent self. Even a self with bad memories feels more certain and solid than a blank slate.

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." Blaise Pascal

A truely authentic independent fighting spirit

 Lee Wei Ling passed away at 69 on 9 Oct 2024. My deceased brother's birthday was 9 Oct. Pictures of LWL as well as of her growing up with her family appeared all over social media. It stirred memories of my impression of her and her family when I was young.

My mother who adored Lee Kuan Yew called him her brother as they shared the same LEE surname. She was around LKY's age and I am around LWL's age. Under my mother's influence I viewed the Lee family as the First family that was up there ie. the elite political family. Unlike a Royal family however the Lee children showed paths that any citizen with the capability and who chose to strive hard can achieve. The smart and well rounded could win scholarships, be President scholars and have successful careers. I guess it was true meritocracy then.

I wasn't an ambitious child in fact I have a bit of inferiority complex. Though I was interested in LWL's growing up years I wasn't at any single moment trying to emulate her. She was too good in everything. Still I liked to follow media  covering on her and her siblings. Of particular deep impression was a photo which showed the Lee family on a marine patrol boat on a Sunday outing. LHL and LWL were each holding a pair of binoculars and Mrs Lee was stretching out her hand, finger pointing at something in the distance. All eyes of the family were looking at the object she was pointing at, a smile on LKY's face and curiosity in the children's faces. I remember wondering what she was pointing at. When this very picture flashed across media recently I recalled my childish 'wondering' again. Our young mind viewed the Lee children as having everything, intelligence, versatility and wealth of resources and guidance. In our minds it is a no brainer they will lead successful charming lives. 

Fast forward 60 years we know every single life is a complex mystery. I may guiltily count my blessings that despite starting off with much less I have a seemingly less challenging life growing up and in adult life having to gain recognition from parents and proving herself all the time.  However what I may not be aware is given her inherent fighting and never-say-die spirit plus her sympathy for the underdog; she is definitely a more noble character. Despite netizens saying how sad it was for her to die without her siblings around her, I think she would have pitied our narrow conventional view as the shallow outlook of ordinary simple folks.

Perhaps this is what I should emulate of you: the authentic independent fighting spirit, true to self.

Gratitude for their services

 

A one night hospital stay for a minor surgery makes me ponder about the acute need for healthcare services in an increasingly aging population.

As there was a shortage of single room ward I was sent to a four bedder ward for recovery. As the layout of the rooms are quite open one can actually hear noises from the opposite room as well.  Out of the 4 patients in my room 3 including me are seniors above 65. 

From my observation, the nurses do not seem to have any moment of rest. This is especially so at night. Maybe it was just my bad luck or maybe it was the side effect of the general anesthesia that made me sensitive to light and sound. First of all the elderly lady in the next bed forewarned me that she could only sleep with the overhead bed light on. She told me to draw the partition curtain but the top of the curtain was some netting material where light can shine through. Then there was another elderly patient in the opposite ward who did not sleep throughout the night and kept wanting to chat with the nurses at the top of her voice and was stalking one nurse as she attended to other patients.

When told she was supposed to stay in bed and not walk the corridors she shouted "Why can't I walk the corridors? You cannot control me. I am not your SERVANT!" What an irony! Who is in servitude? You just need one patient to misbehave and you can hear all the beeping sound from other awakened patients calling nurses to help bring bed pans or to go toilet etc. Of course now that I am well and reflect on the situation I can appreciate how overwhelmed the nurses were. However when one is sickly like when I was feeling nauseous under the lingering effect of the GA I can also be unreasonable. So I too rang the bell. When the nurse came and asked what I needed I just simply told her "Don't chat with patient at night!" That was when she confided that she was being stalked.

If you stay in a shared room in hospital you can appreciate the unimaginable amount of care needed for each patient. From bathing or sponging, wheeling in and out for scan/x-ray, changing linens, regular blood pressure and temperature taking, walking the patients by physiotherapists, regular medicine taking, serving of meals, change of dressings, attending to visiting relatives' queries not to mention the ward doctor and the consultants' visitations. The ward is always buzzing with staff. Many of the nurses and healthcare staff are foreigners. It makes me shudder to think about the manpower requirement to fulfill the healthcare needs with our fast aging population and decreasing birth rate.

When the nurses came to help clean my dirty bottoms, I felt so grateful and ashamed to have been so demanding. Nursing is truly a very noble profession and they really should be well paid. Before I checked out I commended 2 nurses in the feedback form. That is the least I could have done.

Law of Causation - the Israel Palestinian conflicts

 

American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr once said:

"Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference'. 

In my opinion, the 5 natural laws called the 5 Niyama  in Buddhism can provide some guidance on this. The 5 Niyamas include:

Utu Niyama- the natural law of non-living matter including law of physics, chemistry, geology and other sciences.

Bija Niyama- law of living matter more in terms of the biological aspect of living things including the law of genetics.

Karma Niyama- law of moral causation. "All of our volitional thoughts, words, and deeds create an energy that brings about effects and that process is called Karma".

Citta Niyama- Law of mental activity including psychology that pertains to consciousness, thoughts and perceptions. "We called this stream of thoughts as the mind. So arising and destruction of the thoughts is not controlled by anyone and it is a law of the universe".

Dharma Niyama- a natural spiritual law including the doctrines of Annatta (non self or egolessness), Shunyata (emptiness) and Anicca (impermanence)

Everything in life is explained through these natural laws. Recognising which of these we can change is similar to what Reinhold Niebuhr refers to as wisdom. Knowing the causal effect of our action and thoughts (Karma Dharma) helps us to be mindful of the impact they have on everything around us. Beyond that we have to accept with a sense of serenity the other Niyamas and learn to live within them.

I am reading a book entitled "Israelis and Palestinians; From the cycle of violence to the conversation of mankind" by Jonathan Glover. The book describes at great length the deep baggage of conflict and sufferings endured by both sides for generations. The psychology of seeking revenge for the deep wounds inflicted by the other party, the attachment to rigid religious beliefs and the staunch identity moulded by years of conflict I think exemplified the laws of Karma Niyama, and Citta Niyama and perhaps even shape the DNA of the people as per the Bija Niyama.

Glover suggests bold steps to weaken this "psychological trap"; challenging the rigid religious beliefs, "understanding the Mirage of Getting Even" and creating an identity transcending the conflict. This would be what Reinhold refer to as the 'courage to change the things I can'. 

It will be in line with creating a positive causal effect as per the law of Karma.

To Disentangle

 

7 decades of living, has that make me wiser before the brain begins to degenerate? 

Don't know whether it is an age thing, but I have become a bit more sad when contemplating about the future of the world. Also I begin to believe more in destiny be it for individuals or the world at large. When Trump missed death by an inch in an assassination attempt pumping his fist up in defiance, I  thought to myself his stars are shining bright; but then again who knows what will happen next. I guess America has it owned destined path. 

Maybe it is the volatile nature of everything, the lack of certainty or permanence as well as the despair of wars and climate change that sends the mind twirling, not knowing what to expect next. 

The girl whom I have been counselling had begun to open up and confide in me when her mother stopped the sessions because she had to prepare for her PSLE. I have tried my best and there is nothing much I can do about it now. I know I must detach myself emotionally from my clients' problems. However the question keeps on arising in my mind why some people are born with more challenges than others. Just think of the sufferings endured by victims in the Gaza and Ukraine conflict. This question I have asked since my early teens; and as if in a cycle surfaces again frequently in recent times, unanswered

 In fact at this stage in life I need to detach not only from my emotions but from the concept of a self. 

Below is the transcript from a podcast by Ajahn Amaro:

"The more the heart is entangled with becoming, the more our life is an experience of continual pressure....it might be something that we are attracted to, something that we want, something that we are afraid of, something that we feel a duty to engage with, something that is irritating.....Any of these can be an object of becoming. Attraction, aversion, fear, duty, all of these make the heart very crowded.

Yet most of us are comprehensively addicted to the sense of being and identity that we get from all of that. The pleasant, the painful, the comic and the tragic, doesn't matter as long as it brings a sense of defined being, me being something. ....After the Buddha's enlightenment....he realises all the beings of the world, they are addicted to becoming. They love becoming. They relish becoming. But what they relish, what they love, brings pain.....caught in that love of defined existence" 

( Extracts from transcript Chapter 7.3- The fourth exit point from the Cycle (part 3- Ajahn Amaro podcast by Amaravati)

May I disentangle bit by bit.

 

 

Carelessness of the rich

 

The family that lives opposite my house inherited the old bungalow from their parents, rebuilt it into a modern house with a swimming pool. By the cars they are driving and having 2 helpers in the house, I can say they are considered wealthy. 

Unfortunately from their actions and  behaviour I would describe them as the "Careless Rich". This morning I noticed a Grab food delivery man spending 10 minutes trying to reach them through phone, door bell and calling aloud outside the gate. I was about to go out to help him shout for attention with my sharp female voice when the wife appeared and nonchalantly said "Oh he is here" and asked her maid to open the main gate. Ten minutes is precious time to earn money for a food delivery man. All she needed to do was to get the helper to look out for the delivery. 

The same household would often pile cuttings from plants without properly bundling up for the Green truck to collect. I have seen the truck workers spending time loading the branches one by one onto the truck under the hot sun.

I think they are not intentionally uncaring. I just think they lack exposure to the plight of the lower strata working class hence the want of empathy. The rich or for that matter all of us tend to live in our own world. Our friends are probably of the same education level as us and engage in similar activities. Unless one makes it an effort to open one's eyes to sectors of society outside our circle it would be rather difficult to realise how others live their life.

Today's papers reported the findings of a survey on who should provide for the essential needs in Singapore. Two thirds of those surveyed felt the government should be the main party to support individuals who do not have basic necessities, 'Professor Paulin Straughan who spear headed the SMU study said more opportunities should be created for youth here to volunteer to show that they can make a difference". She said "It's when you can't see where you can contribute, then you may begin to say the Government should provide". She added that businesses and high income earners can do their part "to bring the community together".

I hope my neighbour's children through their school volunteer work will be more cognizant of how they can make a difference or at least don't act in manners that make it difficult for others to earn a decent living.

Is it thrift or being Stingy

 

There is an article in the Economist entitled "Baby boomers are loaded. Why are they so stingy?" 

Apparently the issue for the economy in 2020s and 2030s is why baby boomers are spending so little. The article was published in the Straits Times too and I read with amusement comments from many baby boomers defending their behaviour, justifying their so called "frugal" habits. They ascribed it to having lived through hard times and thus valuing this positive trait.

 It does not take me a moment to agree that being "stingy" most describes my husband. I then wonder whether my own spending habits can be considered likewise. It is true that I have not spent a single cent on any luxury brands of apparels, bags and accessories. Throughout my working years the only so called expensive item I indulged in is a Rado watch which cost S$2000+ and an Osim massage chair. I really can't think of any indulgence unless one considers carefully planned travelling expenses a luxury. Yes my husband and I do spend quite a fair bit on travel (about 2 long distance trips and a couple of shorter trips per year) but we never splash on truly luxurious hotels except for one or two occasion.

It is kind of strange but I can say I have no qualms parting money for a good cause including charity and gifts. I guess it boils down to a mindset of constantly evaluating whether an expenditure is worth its utility. So if a wealthy person spends half a million or more on a luxurious car I kind of wonder why they don't go buy real estate instead, ie. something more tangibly solid and less depreciating. 

Once I wished aloud I could win a business class ticket for a long distance holiday. A friend commented I actually have the means and it is a matter of choice. My reflex response to her comment was "I wouldn't be so irrational as to take business class which is worth 2 economy class tickets (ie. more holidays) ." Or for that matter, I would deliberate very hard whether to be a bit more extravagant when celebrating a special occasion. It all boils down to embracing value to the point that it feels sinful to waste money on extra comfort or fulfilling some desires for luxury. Does that tantamount to being stingy?

As John Rockefeller once said "I believe that thrift is essential to well ordered living"

But the same Rockefeller when asked how much money is enough replied "Just a little bit more"